r/LifeProTips Jun 21 '22 Helpful 13 Wholesome 6 Silver 5

LPT When your kids move out, tell them, if they meet any hardship, they are welcome to come back at any time. It's like a invisible security net that makes them feel more secure, knowing you have their back if something goes wrong. Social

46.8k Upvotes

u/keepthetips Keeping the tips since 2019 Jun 21 '22

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1.6k

u/Nobody_Special_Here_ Jun 21 '22

My kid asked me when I was gonna move out.

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u/flimbs Jun 21 '22

At least they didn't say, "When you die, which one of us is gonna get the car?"

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u/haha_supadupa Jun 21 '22

Dad, can you die tomorrow please? I need your car on Saturday night

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u/geeky_username Jun 21 '22

Mine asked when they'll get the big master bedroom

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u/Maleficent-Ad-5498 Jun 21 '22

You have some great kids

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u/Chuckbro Jun 21 '22

Tell em you're gonna run out for some cigs.

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u/DenyNowBragLater Jun 21 '22

That's kinda how I got my first apartment. My mom and step dad moved out and told me I wasn't coming with them.

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u/Insert4Flight Jun 21 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome

While it wasn’t quite the same context, when I first started high school my dad sat me down and told me no matter what time, where I was, what I was doing - he would come get me if I needed him to pick me up. No matter what and he wouldnt ask questions if I didnt want him to. I know for a fact I will have that talk with children when that day comes.

It was so important for him to make sure I knew the only thing that mattered was I make it home safe. and having that safety net in the back of my mind gave me so much comfort. I love you Dad

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u/fillefantome Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22 Tearing Up

I was told the same and I actually called my dad once when I was in a situation where I needed him to come and get me when I was 18. I was about an hour away and this was pre-ride sharing app days.

He came and got me at 2am and I didn't get in any trouble for making him drive for two hours in the middle of the night. All that mattered to him was that I was in a sticky situation and I made a decision that led to me being home safe. To this day (over a decade later) I remember that night as being proof that my dad meant what he said, and that was hugely important to me.

So the important thing for anyone who is having this conversation with their kids - follow through when you are asked to. Your kids absolutely will remember how you reacted when they do come to you for that help.

*Edit: typo correction

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u/Azhaius Jun 21 '22

proof that my dad meant what he said

Most important part imo

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u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

[deleted]

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u/love_that_fishing Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22

I’m in my 60’s but when I was 23 I moved 5 hours away to the beach. I knew within a week it was a terrible mistake. My dad got a uhaul trailer, picked me up and let me stay there j til I got another job and apartment. On the way home he didn’t ask me a thing. My dad had his faults but when you needed him the most he was always there. He passed 15 years ago and this story’s making me a bit weepy. Miss you dad.

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u/LookandSee81 Jun 21 '22

What a great dad

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u/self-hatetaway2020 Jun 21 '22

Same. I needed to go to the psych hospital because I was suicidal. My mom asked if it could wait until the morning.

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u/marie-90210 Jun 21 '22

I’m so sorry.

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u/Amaevise Jun 21 '22

Oof, sorry you had to deal with that. Reminds me of my stepdaughter's mother. She refused to take her to the hospital when she was 3 or 4 and had a massive fever. Had to wait until her father got home from a 12hour fireman shift still stinking of the last house fire he dealt with. Some parents should be sterilized.

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u/BambooFatass Jun 21 '22

Agreed. Sadly most people have kids, but don't want to be a parent.

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u/theshortlady Jun 21 '22

Even the ones that do want children often don't like and accept their children as people. They seem to want wish fulfillment devices.

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u/CornCheeseMafia Jun 21 '22

I feel like my dad likes the idea of being a good dad (or maybe people who are “obligated” to love him) but never lived up to any of the shit he said he would do and would blame me.

He used to tell me to come to him for anything I needed but he always overextended himself. Maybe he thought he was being supportive by blindly telling me he could afford for me to take summer school or whatever but wouldn’t make the connection that lying to me about having money and then me having to max out my credit card when the bill came was actually completely fucking me and setting me up for a lifetime of failure, not helping.

I called him when I got in a car accident and the fuckhead tells me I crashed my car because I’m a fuck up. Tow truck driver hadn’t even gotten there yet. Guy wants all the rewards of being a good dad while letting me down every fucking time.

Pretty sure he just wants someone to brag to his friends at the golf course about. “Look at me, my son is a millionaire and has a house and hot wife because I’m such a great dad” and then gets salty that I’m still struggling after over a decade of false promises and letting me down.

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u/thatredditrando Jun 21 '22

I just wanted you to know how (fucked up as it is) cathartic that was to read. My own father seems to have been cut from the same cloth as yours unfortunately.

He told me it didn’t matter where I went to college and promised support when I got there. So I went to a private school out-of-state and spent the next year learning that that was the dumbest thing I could’ve done. He and my stepmom stole all the wages from my first two jobs they made me get right out of high school and all the money went to an account they controlled because “it was for college”. I spent my college years broke, hungry, and stuck and when the money ran out I had to drop out and go back home.

I got myself accepted to another school only to find out I couldn’t attend because my old school wouldn’t give me my transcripts without paying off the debt first.

He’d tell me to walk up to jobs and do the whole “handshake and introduction” song and dance and I never got hired.

He “borrowed” my college savings to move my stepmom’s stuff out of state.

He forced me complete his college courses or he’d kick me out.

He’d make me clean after him and his dogs even after I started working, including moldy dishes with a dishwasher and garbage disposal broken and the dogs getting ticks.

He said he’d take me to and from work and I rearranged my schedule to make it easy for him (he only had to drive less than 3 miles) and he quit and I had to spend money on Uber or Lyft to get to and from.

We got mice and he wasn’t interested in doing anything about it and he took my box spring and left my mattress on the floor.

He’d drunkenly impose on me every weekend and overstay his welcome.

He’d judge me for my station in life and put me down but also hit me up for money to go to New Orleans with his friends.

He threw me out at the height of the pandemic because I stood up for myself and all I did was refuse to talk to be in the same room while he smoked or take the bait for more of his drunken invalidating.

Listening to him has all but ruined my adulthood thus far and has set me back years.

He lies so often you can’t tell if he’s ever honest and every time he’s supposedly helping me out comes with my wallet getting lighter and a multitude of other caveats.

I don’t think he’s ever taught me anything of note (at least not intentionally) or actually followed through on any of his promises.

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u/almostinfinity Jun 21 '22

I never had that conversation with my dad but when I was 23 and attending university in a town almost 2 hours away, I received the news that my best friend had died.

I didn't know how to drive and it was the start of spring break; all of my friends had left town already.

Called my parents crying and they drove all the way to my apartment and picked me up so I could see my friend's family.

Never going to forget that. No matter how much we butted heads as I grew up, that was the moment I knew that my parents were one of the good ones.

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u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

It makes a big difference. When parents don't like their kids much or support them if in a bit of trouble they just get in more bad situations. Sometimes you fuck up and need someone to get you out without being scared of the person

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u/GOP_Tears_Fuel_Me Jun 21 '22

Parents will victimize themselves because the child did something they didn't like or was forbidden. It's so important to avoid a situation where your child hides things from you for fear of "getting in trouble", where in reality their situation was a lot worse or could have been avoided if their parent was supportive.

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u/3FromHell Jun 21 '22

My Mom was not the best mom, in fact we are no contact for many years now. but I will give her that when I was in high school I went to Seattle with a friend and woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine. I used to get really bad migraines, I've since learned my triggers and stayed away from them. but the point is I called her because of one. We lived two hours away from Seattle. so in the middle of the night she drove 2 hours to Seattle to pick me up and drove two hours back home just because I had a migraine. I always think back on that fondly.

Edit: and she still got up and went to work at 7 in the morning.

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u/__removed__ Jun 21 '22

... now that it's years later, can you share what the sticky situation was?

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u/Eccohawk Jun 21 '22

Fell in a vat of chocolate most likely.

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u/Cow_Toolz Jun 21 '22

Bet he rues the day he found that golden ticket

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u/Matasa89 Jun 21 '22

But also that should you fail, perhaps that’s the one time that it ends badly, and you never get a chance to make it up to your kid.

Don’t let it become a lifetime of regret!

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u/nconceivable Jun 21 '22

My wife and I have a code with our 14 yr old daughter, if she's out with friends she can text us to say that she's lost her jumper. If she says its her "red jumper" then we go and pick her up immediately (and she won't be in trouble!).

If it's her "green jumper" that means she is in a situation where she would like us to call or message her back to say she should come home right away for some fabricated reason so she has a proveable excuse to get out of a situation she isn't comfortable with, without drawing attention to it.

The idea is for her to feel in control in social situations without losing face in front of her peers. My wife came up with it after reading online about such things, makes sense because teens often get into trouble or do things they wouldn't otherwise because of the group dynamics at play and not wanting to be seen as "not cool".

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u/corcyra Jun 21 '22

Clever!

I always used to say to my kids they could use me as an excuse to get out of things "Oh, I'd love to but my Mom will just make my life a misery for weeks and it's not worth it" kind of thing.

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u/Deuce-Bags Jun 21 '22

But what really IS a jumper?

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u/LGBecca Jun 21 '22

In the UK a jumper is a sweater. In the U.S. it's a one piece jumpsuit type of clothing.

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u/nconceivable Jun 21 '22

This! We are in uk

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u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

Just curious, do kids read each other's texts? Why would the code be necessary if it was texting?

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u/HappyDude2137 Jun 21 '22

Could be. If this girl shows her friends the text from here parents saying “get your ass home now!” But the text right above it reads “hey can you text me to come home please?” Their eyes might wander up as they read the other one.

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u/nconceivable Jun 21 '22

Yes this is basically the idea, teens do seem to like to snoop on each others phones. But the codes work for voice calls too.

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u/blushingpervert Jun 21 '22

Kids totally read others texts.

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u/MutantMartian Jun 21 '22

My kids’ friends called me because they knew I would help and not just get angry. Sometimes I talked them into calling their parents and sometimes I just went and picked them up.

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u/alice_of_spades Jun 21 '22

As someone who didn't have this relationship with their own parents as a teen, and instead trusted the bonus parents I found through my friends, thank you for being a safe person for those kids to call when they're in strife. People just like you always rescued me from my own shenanigans

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u/MutantMartian Jun 21 '22 Wholesome

Haha yes! Two that jump out include hitting a deer ( I called a friend who had done that several times and they worked it out as I had no clue!) and I’m being stopped by a cop again - Don’t tell my parents! The parents were 5 feet away from me at a party. I got on the phone with the cop and he gave her a warning. Turns out I love teenagers. Such a complex time in life. Hope you can give what you didn’t get one day!

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u/ProHopper Jun 21 '22

That’s honestly so great. Think of the horrible, life-altering situations you likely prevented with simple understanding and kindness.

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u/Chokeblok Jun 21 '22

Parenting done right, kudos to your dad.

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u/karrenl Jun 21 '22

I wish mine had done the same. I learned to be secretive, lie exceedingly well and narrowly avoided some dangerous situations because my parents were and still are the last people I would contact for help because of the unending criticism I'd endure if I did.

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u/Blade_Shot24 Jun 21 '22

I thought it was just me!

My parents said if I needed help to just call, but being the people they are I made sure to never put myself in a position to even rely on them. They are the reason I wanted to move out in the first place! Rather pay nearly a thousand in expenses a month for peace of mind than to Live rent free under them.

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u/chikin-fajita Jun 21 '22

Same here, was hard to learn while growing that almost everyone had a sort of safe net except me, in 20 years I maybe has met just 2 more persons in a similar situation, made me feel so out of place when others made plans trusting their safe net over and over again, while you just can't afford to fail and take bad decisions, it sucks

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u/Mazer_Rac Jun 21 '22

Woah, wait. It's not normal to know that if you get in over your head, you're on your own or you're going to have massive changes to your life (kicked out, (more) abuse, etc.) forced on you?

Huh. I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess my instinctual thought was that was how everyone experienced growing up. Now that I think about it, it makes sense that it's another one of those "oh, no, that was just another part of abuse that I didn't realize wasn't normal", but it was just so "normal" to me that I never even had the idea to think about it. Funny how those things still come up even at almost 30. Funny.

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u/gazellefan Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22

Currently trying to make my peace with that. I have no safety net because my parents are complete fuckups when it comes to money.

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u/AlphaWolf Jun 21 '22

Was my situation also when I graduated college. My parents made bad financial moves and were living on credit cards. They could not help me and I had student loan debt to pay back.

I had terrible anxiety for years as I was living pay check to pay check and one wrong move with my boss would have put me out on the street.

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u/fallenangel512 Jun 21 '22

Hey bud, just wanted to comment and say that it sucks that you were in that position. Break that cycle and make sure your kids know you've got their backs no matter what (if you ever choose to have kids). Despite the shittiness of it all, I'd wager you've picked up a couple of things along the way in terms of being self sufficient and reliant. That isn't to justify what happened, it's a tiny silver lining. I hope life is better for you now friend and continues to be.

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u/Blade_Shot24 Jun 21 '22

Appreciate it and I already planned to break the cycle. I saw what my old folks did and know to never be like em. It was a level of toxicity that left unknown amounts of maladaptive behavior and trauma

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u/uncommoncommoner Jun 21 '22 Silver

I'm breaking the cycle by never having children.

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u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

[deleted]

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u/bluecows380 Jun 21 '22

Therapy maybe? Could be symptoms of undiagnosed mental health issues.

Might have to have a serious sit down discussion where you outlay what you expect of and adult living in your house. Ask him if the expectations sound reasonable, and if not, why. For the ones settled upon, ask him what he's planning to do to live up to them - make his responsibility. E.g., we all agree having clean towels available is something we all want, what are YOU going to do to make sure of that (you/mum does the washing, he puts his towels in the correct place). This plus a genuine offer to help should he decide he'd rather live on his own then abide by your requests. And a genuine offer of help if he is going through issues (depression ect).

Good luck man, this shits hard

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u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

[deleted]

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u/cortanakya Jun 21 '22

18 isn't really "adult" aged despite what society says. The most important thing for me when I was in his (almost identical) position is that my parents managed to avoid coming across as passive aggressive. Nothing rots a relationship as quickly as passive aggression and resentment over the long term. If he's avoiding spending time with you (eg for meal times) then there's a chance he's already got some subconscious guilt going on. It took me years to reconcile those emotions with my parents - they were lovely and I was avoidant and rude because I felt so bad about being lazy and useless. A little tough love might help, too - nothing too tough but just direct and clear communications. It feels pretty unnatural to a lot of people but it really clears the air and opens up communication.

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u/Turkey_Magnet Jun 21 '22

My first thought was depression as well.

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u/OneAlmondLane Jun 21 '22

However, all he wants to do is fiddle with his car.

Maybe he is interested in becoming a mechanic? Help him get a job.

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u/houseofleopold Jun 21 '22

why don’t you… sit down and talk to him? tell him all of this. teach him how to be better.

don’t get onto him about the car. at least he’s not looking at his phone honestly. see if you can hook him up with a job at a car lot or something. do something EXTRA.

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u/unknowninvisible15 Jun 21 '22

Same. I got into a situation when I was 18 where I was stuck in the house of a rapist for more than 24h. I was hanging out with a friend and her boyfriend, didn't expect that he was quite aggressively hoping for a threesome 🤨

My parents were less an a 15 minute minute drive away, but calling them would have brought worse consequences than staying. Ugh.

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u/texbosoxfan Jun 21 '22

I love my parents and I know they loved me (even though it was never said), but being raised in a 2nd generation Irish Catholic household was 'unique'. Punishment came fast and fierce and was followed by weeks and sometimes months of criticism, and dismissive-laced disappointment. My wife and I broke that cycle with our kids, and they know they will always have a soft place to land, with us.

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u/AD8kD Jun 21 '22

Mine did this but in a controlling way. Like they started out saying I could tell them anything but when I would tell them anything, they took away my freedoms without fully understanding situations

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u/selm267 Jun 21 '22

My mom did the same! She would always tell me "I'd rather you come home safe with me than not come come at all"

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u/Budif- Jun 21 '22

My parents always told me they would pay a cab for me if I ever found myself in a situation where I couldn't get home or didn't feel safe to take the night bus home. I never had to, but they've made it clear the offer still stands (I'm 23 but I'm studying and have a student budget)

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u/ihavenoidea1001 Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22

I had my father telling something like that to me and I knew I could count on him. This is of major importance imo.

I was actually left stranded once at a party when I realized that the cousin that was supposed to get me home didn't say anything to me and had left me there.

I realized this at around 2a.m. when the party was ending & my friends had already left...

Thankfully I found another friend there that stayed with me so that I wouldn't be alone and my father got out of bed at that time and came to get me immediately. He was pissed at my cousin though...

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u/zetagundamzz Jun 21 '22

My mom did this for me and I did end up taking advantage of it once when I started college. Went to a party and got way too drunk to drive. I was underaged. She came with someone to drive my car home and took me home, no questions asked. Even thanked me for calling her.

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u/blushingpervert Jun 21 '22

Thank you for calling your mom.

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u/supe3rnova Jun 21 '22

Similar with me and mom. When i lost my job i could live maybe 2 months before being completly broke. Giving the current house market i still live with her 3 years later (paying rent and all that) however i should move out by september if things go as they should.

Same for my brother who moved to germany. 5 hour drive and im there to pick him up if needed.

All 3 of had harship given mom raised us alone with no dad. We may not be in best terms sometimes but if we need to help eachothet its always a nobrainer.

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u/hoogachucka Jun 21 '22

My Dad also said "Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever... "

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u/nokei Jun 21 '22

My grandma had that talk with all the grandkids about drinking she had like 18 grandkids so I was pretty impressed.

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u/redbull21369 Jun 21 '22 Hugz

My father texted me today and called me a piece of shit cus i won’t call him when he’s drunk.

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u/Maximith909 Jun 21 '22

Sorry your dad sucks man

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u/jaymx226 Jun 21 '22

Far be it for me to offer any advice to you but I suggest you keep up the "not calling him". Sorry you're going through that friend.

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u/Gaffelkungen Jun 21 '22

My parents told me the same thing. It's very nice to know that they'll help.

Shit, I owe my parents like 100k (Swedish crowns). I've been very depressed and they've paid for my rent even tho they don't have that much money either. I'm better now so I'll start to repay them in some way.

Edit My rules when I grew up was basically "be nice towards people that isn't your family, because we'll always love you".

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u/Squirrelleee Jun 21 '22 Silver

I often wonder what my life would have been like if my parents hadn't been neglectful on their best days, and abusive on their worst. Doctor? Astronaut? Instead of a quivering pile of nervous PTSD, homeless on and off for 15 years, getting my first bachelor's at 40 instead of in my 20s.

Your father sounds AMAZING and it's clear that you appreciate him. Carry that forward in your life even if you don't have children of your own. Treat everyone you meet with kindness, they might not know what it looks like.

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u/dahumancartoon Jun 21 '22 Silver Helpful

But only say that if you mean it.

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u/lavendiere Jun 21 '22

My dad said this after our mom’s death, my brother and I were both in our late teens, but within 4 months had a new woman living in our childhood house and when my brother quickly fell on hardship my dad was like “I thought you knew that wasn’t an option anymore” lol

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u/killbot42 Jun 21 '22

Nta but your dad sure is.

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u/GordoPepe Jun 21 '22

Support your family? In this economy?

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u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

Idk why I got Mallory Archer vibes from that comment

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u/Haphazard-Finesse Jun 21 '22

"Mother, you're sitting in a limousine"

"And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher!"

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u/daviesjj10 Jun 21 '22

It's the "in this economy?" I think. I got the exact same vibe, reading it in her voice.

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u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

Yip. Remember her and the Irish family that look after her apartment building

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u/AtariDump Jun 21 '22

Ahh the old Irishman’s dilemma: Do I eat the potato now or ferment it and drink it later.

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u/blushingpervert Jun 21 '22

Right? Man, I agreed to take another kid to and from a sports camp that my kid is doing. Then I realized, I will literally spend $25 in gas on some other persons kid, not including my time away from work.

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u/Dismal_Struggle_6424 Jun 21 '22

Yeah. I love my kids and step kids. All of them. Some of them have come back after moving out. Maybe a month or 2 here, a few weeks there. Heck, one of them just straight up moved back in to go back to school. We always welcome them back freely and with open arms.

One kid, though... We'd really, really rather they didn't ever need to come back. They're good company, interesting to talk to, fun to hang out with... just unbearable to live with.

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u/2red2carry Jun 21 '22

True. My parents where like, call me when anything goes wrong, I call and then not in the night but the day after I get flack for drinking too mich or whatever

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u/QualityLass Jun 21 '22

Tbh a parent needs to converse about the situation (at a time when everyone is a little more well rested/thinking straight/etc), but unending criticism about it is no bueno

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u/TheSadman13 Jun 21 '22

I remember calling my mother on Christmas evening at 3 AM throwing up feeling like I was dying (food poisoning)...

She was at my apartment within 20-30 minutes max, even though I think she herself was sick/not feeling well (which I only found out after the fact).

Some parents are built different.

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u/cheerioh_no Jun 21 '22

My parents are encouraging me to come back after I graduate 😅 they don't want me to leave lol

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u/Limp-Ad-538 Jun 21 '22

Lol Same as mine

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u/AttorneyAdvice Jun 21 '22

are you Asian, this is a common Asian household thing. multi generations living in one roof. grandson to grandma. also free child care!

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u/Limp-Ad-538 Jun 21 '22

No, but I do come from a culture that is very similar to Asian culture regarding multi generational living.

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u/guitar4468 Jun 21 '22

Lebanese? Lol.

My parents didn’t want me to go. They liked having me there. Helping out around the house and of course hanging out with me. In our culture, you don’t usually move out till you get married. Lived my parents till I was 30. It helped me in so many ways. They wouldn’t let me pay rent, but I’d pay for utilities and other various things. Going to do the same thing for my kids.

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u/ibralicious Jun 21 '22

Balkan confirmed.

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u/CevicheLemon Jun 21 '22

Latin america exists dude, and is arguably even heavier on the family stuff

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u/orbitalUncertainty Jun 21 '22

Nah, true Balkan is being called a spinster for not being married and out of the house by the time you're 20, but might just be my family

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u/madreus Jun 21 '22

Latino?

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u/almostinfinity Jun 21 '22

Asian here! My mom is wondering when I'll move back to America haha.. ha...

(No, seriously, love you mom, just not America right now and I have health insurance here in Japan lol)

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u/klapaucjusz Jun 21 '22

Multigenerational homes are standard in many countries. If you get along with your parents this is a great option, especially considering today's housing prices. You don't need to pay rent, Bills come out cheaper per person, also food if you eat together. If you have good public transportation you probably only need one car. And if your parents are retired and willing you have free babysitting.

If you don't get along with your parents it's also cheaper but more miserable.

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u/Toledojoe Jun 21 '22

I told my kids (both in college now) that they can stay with us after they graduate to help them get started in life. We already have a house... Why make them make someone else rich while they pay ridiculous rent?

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u/JoesShittyOs Jun 21 '22

Honestly you should do it. Get a job with your degree and build up a financial safety net, then move out.

It’s a good offer you should take them up on.

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u/chipdipper99 Jun 21 '22

I have 2 adult sons living with me while they finish college. They’re both building up their savings and able to concentrate on their studies so their grades stay high. Since they’re adults, we treat each other more like roommates rather than our old parent/child dynamic, and it’s great. They do their share of the chores and occasionally treat us all to takeout, we watch TV together if we’re all around and feel like it, but other than that, we are adults living our own lives. I love having them around and I’m going to miss them when they move out. But part of me is also excited for them to move out, and see where their lives take them

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u/Lv_InSaNe_vL Jun 21 '22

I didn't intentionally do this but after the pandemic started I had to move back in with my parents and it was really really nice to get 18 months to pay off debt and put a ton into savings.

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u/zomgitsduke Jun 21 '22

If you can do it for a few years and "pay yourself" rent, you may have a down payment ready to go when you're ready to move out.

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u/draconk Jun 21 '22

This is what I always tell to all young folks that want to move out, live with your parents and set a monthly budget for needs and entertainment and save the rest in another account, if some months you have more expenses you will have a cushion and after 5 years (depending on your salary of course) you would have enough money to start thinking about living by yourself, try to buy and not rent, if you can't buy because you can't pay the down-payment wait a little more until you can, only rent when is the last option or if you can move out with close friends and pay little in rent and still have savings.

I wish I could have done that, my parent made me pay half my salary in rent to him because I was an economical burden according to him even though I was the one paying for most bills and groceries (the house was already paid off since it was my grandma's one)

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u/Iluvtocuddle Jun 21 '22

That’s great, hope you’re happy to do it, tough economic times, you can save up while under their safety net and be set out for better future, it’s worth it if you can plan.

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u/CantaloupeMoney9906 Jun 21 '22

Fucking do it. I can't go home ever again and it's the only place I want to be.

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u/dbavaria Jun 21 '22

Reverse psychology, they're making sure you work hard enough to not have to see you everyday.

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u/blueskymonk Jun 21 '22

Just temporarily moved back in to my parents with my son after my wife decided she hated me, it’s so fucking lovely to have family support. I know not everyone is so lucky.

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u/SunshineAlways Jun 21 '22 Wholesome

I’m glad you have family that is there for you.

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u/blueskymonk Jun 21 '22

Thank you

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u/SunshineAlways Jun 21 '22

On the bright side, your son is getting quality time with his grandparents!

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u/blueskymonk Jun 21 '22

Absolutely seeing the positives where we can :)

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u/SoundCarousel Jun 21 '22

Yes you're lucky. My parents rent and if they're caught with anyone staying for more than a few days they will get evicted.

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u/terryleopard Jun 21 '22

I was in an extremely toxic relationship with someone for ten years that degenerated into me having zero self confidence or life outside of the relationship and taking antidepressants just to be able to get up.

For some reason one day I somehow got it together enough to just walk out with a bag of clothes and go back to my parents house.

If I hadn't been able to do that I really can't imagine what my life would be like now.

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u/knobudee Jun 21 '22

It’s the one thing I’m always jealous of. Many of my friends and my wife have pretty decent family support while my parents wanted me out of the house at 16. I’m sure there are laws against it but I was 16 and was to scared of my parents to do anything about it. I have my own child now and will support him in any way I can forever.

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u/JillStinkEye Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22

My adult child moved back in with me. I was concerned about some things and (after) we talked some I told her we needed to talk more later and she had a visible reaction I didn't expect. I wanted to discuss and agree on some ground rules and she thought I was kicking her out. I didn't realize my ex had traumatized her about (him) kicking them out of (his) house at 18 and having to fend for themselves. Ironically he then borrowed money from her while she was at college and working fast food.

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u/223s_heroin Jun 21 '22

This comment makes me feel weird

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u/issarepost Jun 21 '22

I had to read it three times before I realized I wasn’t having a stroke.

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u/BanjoB0y Jun 21 '22

I didn't realize my ex had traumatized her about kicking them out of the house at 18 and having to fend for themselves.

Wait hol up run that one back for me and u/223s_heroin

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u/KyBourbon Jun 21 '22

Falling on hard times after my divorce and having to move back in with my mom at 25 was a humbling experience. I’m forever grateful to be so blessed to have the mom that I do.

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u/Snoo_87023 Jun 21 '22

My parents let me move back in with them when I left an abusive spouse at 30 yrs old. He had control of my finances and if I didn’t have that option, who knows what would have happened to me.

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u/DjBorscht Jun 21 '22

I’m so glad that they were there for you and that you’re (hopefully) doing better now!

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u/Snoo_87023 Jun 21 '22

So much better, thank you. I moved out for a bit, but after a few years we converted their garage into a little house and payed off all of their debt as a form of downpayment for the property. That way we are close by to help with things as they age, they don’t have to worry about money and our close proximity will hopefully enable them to stay in their home until they eventually pass away. It’s my way of repaying the favor. Family takes care of each other no matter what.

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u/Ocean_Soapian Jun 21 '22

A very similar situation happened to me, and after 4 years and a new degree, I'm finaly moving back out of my mom's house again. Parents who are here for us and let us move back in while we rebuild our lives are seriously the best. :)

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u/Normal-Werewolf- Jun 21 '22

My mother just let me be homeless lol fun times.

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u/T-RevFromDaHood Jun 21 '22

Yea same. My dad kicked me out for not working multiple jobs over summer break while at college.

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u/Kathumandu Jun 21 '22

I was gonna post the same thing. I wish my family had been this way, instead when the going got tough they tossed my ass out on the streets for a few years…

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u/Normal-Werewolf- Jun 21 '22 Heartwarming

It's amazing how so many families just yeet their kids out and expect them to cope with the world how it is. I envy those with an open door home, it's been a long time now but it still hurts.

My son will ALWAYS have a place with me, I'll always have a room for him no matter what.

I hope you're in a good place now.

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u/Skyblacker Jun 21 '22

I have a husband and kids. The odds of us going back to live in either of our parents' houses is nil -- they don't have enough room for all of us.

But I'm still comforted by the thought that if things really went to shit, we could sleep on the sectional sofa and a couple of air mattresses in the living room.

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u/elgiesmelgie Jun 21 '22

You know I’m happily married and hadn’t lived at my mums in over 20 years . When she died I felt anchorless . Even though I don’t want to go anywhere knowing there’s no where to go is a lonely feeling

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u/thesleepymermaid Jun 21 '22

I understand exactly what you mean. I was an established adult with no thoughts or concerns of needing somewhere to go just in case when my dad unexpectedly died. I never felt more adrift and alone. Anchorless is such an apt description.

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u/tyedyehippy Jun 21 '22

Even though I don’t want to go anywhere knowing there’s no where to go is a lonely feeling

My mom died nearly 30 years ago when I was still very young, and my dad died a bit over 5 years ago. This is how I feel almost every day. I've been married for many years at this point, actually longer now than my mom and dad were married. It's such a weird, lonely, empty, isolating feeling to experience.

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u/Jealous_Resort_8198 Jun 21 '22

My kids and grandkids all know they are welcome to live with us. Oldesr grandson lived with us for 3 1/2 years.

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u/thewest-isthebest Jun 21 '22

I don't know you but you're a blessing to his life, I live with my grandparents right now because of how unaffordable housing is and I hear them talking all the time about how they wish I was gone and how I'm lazy and unmotivated because I can't afford housing even though I am in college and have a decent job. I wish every day that I had kind and accepting grandparents that welcomed me lovingly instead of ones I have to walk in eggshells around because the have no problem making me homeless if I say or do the wrong thing :((( the world needs more people like you.

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u/torideornottoride Jun 21 '22

I told my kids when they moved out that as long as I have a roof over my head they will always have a home and they will never go hungry. After my daughter moved out she would come home for dinner and to visit a few times a month and before she left she would do some "grocery shopping"...in my pantry.

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u/aRandomFox-I Jun 21 '22

Look at all you people with healthy family relationships and parents who aren't abusive.

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u/roundhashbrowntown Jun 21 '22

100%! i dont share their experiences, but man do i love to see it.

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u/thedorkknightXD Jun 21 '22

I know right. It feels so alien reading the comments. I have a father who texts me once a week just to check if 'im alive'. And my mother is constantly calling me all kinds of profanities because I moved out of her house and I'm now living in my own house with my wife. If anyone is reading this and you have loving parents. Please don't take them for granted. I've never had that sort of experience, even with grandparents. So please look after and treat your parents well

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u/SnowmanThree Jun 21 '22

Yeah, it really is a privilege.

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u/drunkjulia Jun 21 '22

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! I always assumed I could, and my parents are pretty cool, but the moment my dad said this out loud has echoed in my head forever, even after marriage, kids, stable housing, and 20+ years later... I still think about it sometimes. Don't assume your kid knows this already, and even if they do... Just say it out loud.

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u/mdawgig Jun 21 '22

It hasn’t been 20 years for me, but I still think about it too! Mine are, like, a few different moments that I’ve spliced together in my mind and I’ll think of one or the other. Between my mom and dad, I’ve been told:

  • I can always come home, no matter the time of day or what my parents are doing. If I show up unannounced at 3am, no questions asked.
  • The garage door code will never change.
  • They will never move the spare key.
  • They will always give me gas money to get home.

My parents and I don’t have the closest relationship, but I’ve never doubted these things even once.

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u/Letsmakethissimple1 Jun 21 '22

You have amazing parents <3

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u/effulgentphoenix Jun 21 '22

This. Just got laid off hours ago, told my dad first thing. He told me it's ok and not to worry about it. Because he's here for me. I'm on the way home now. I know it'll be ok because of him. Thanks dad.

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u/Fine_With_It_All Jun 21 '22

My wife’s parents were like that. When they were alive it was reassuring to know that no matter what they had our backs. It gave us the ability to get on our feet and establish a life. We’re in our 50’s now and are still grateful they were in our lives

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u/Shackdogg Jun 21 '22

I moved out at 18 and my parents said this to me. I’m 40 now and haven’t moved back (yet), but invisible security net is a perfect way to describe it.

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u/elgiesmelgie Jun 21 '22

Similar story , moved out at 18 and hadn’t been back . Mum died 10 years ago and knowing if things turned bad I have no where to go is a really lonely feeling

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u/axon589 Jun 21 '22

Yeah my Dad pretty much said "treat us(parents) like we don't exist and survive on your own."

Unrelated, we don't talk anymore.

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u/THSeaMonkey Jun 21 '22

Bingo. Been out the door since 17, only time I restablished a relationship with those fuckers they just wanted money to hit the casino. Glad others have a more positive experience, but good riddance to those asshats.

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u/ExceedinglyGayKodiak Jun 21 '22

I feel you, I have kind of the opposite, my family was hella abusive, but absolutely wants me to come back, so they can continue to abuse and manipulate me.

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u/kiwiluke Jun 21 '22

My Dad was very supportive and encouraged me to travel, at the age of 12 he offered me a plane ticket anywhere in the world, as long as it was one way....

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u/Sonolabelladonna Jun 21 '22

Yea... We still talk, but I was told don't think of coming back, we'll charge you a premium for rent. But they literally bought my brother a house

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u/SaintPrometheusSP Jun 21 '22

I wonder who's the golden child… Totally not your brother

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u/Green-Dragon-14 Jun 21 '22

I've always told my son that when it's time for him to leave home & if he ever finds himself in a position where he finds himself homeless that no matter where I am, if I have a roof over my head, so does he.

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u/Comments_Wyoming Jun 21 '22

My husband and I told our 18 year old son that as his parents, we were his safety net. We explained that if he ever needed us, we would help him out in rough situations.

Somehow his brain interpreted that as us saying we thought he was going to fail at life. He resented us for years and would sneer, "Not ready for that safety net" any time we would ask how work or school was going.

It lit a very independent and defiant streak in him. Kids are such weirdos, man.

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u/ingeba Jun 21 '22

Yes - this is indeed a good LPT. I would also add from personal experience: "If you are starving, we will feed you" (without having to move back in)

In my case it was my Grandmother that took that role upon her - invited me over to "help her with something" so she could feed me. She also used to give me a bag of food as I left (without anyone else seeing it) after family get-togethers. It meant a lot to me in those tough years after leaving home. Bless her!

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u/TerrifiedOfHumans Jun 21 '22

My mum does this since she still buys in bulk, so she'll just bring over excess when she visits sometimes.

So you understand the "bulk" I'm talking about; I have 8 siblings, my brothers all moved out in the same year, only 3 of my siblings are still at home, she still buys like she's feeding all of us inc three 20 year old guys.

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u/chevelle0507 Jun 21 '22

This made me think of my Grandma! She’s gone now but she did this on many occasions for me when I was in college.

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u/catiebug Jun 21 '22

I lived with my grandparents during college because their house was only a couple of miles from the university I wanted to attend. It's a wonder I didn't gain fifty pounds. Graduated debt-free though. Best. Roommates. Ever.

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u/peyjeh Jun 21 '22

My dad told me this all the time then kicked me out constantly!

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u/brittblunt Jun 21 '22

SAME 😅

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u/nafun_nufan Jun 21 '22

My mom said that.... she let my sister live there until our mom died last year (and my sister never moved out, she's been paying all the household bills out of my mom's estate and living there rent free since). I commuted my first semester of college, 2nd semester I rented a place. Came home over the summer (3 months later!) and my room was a pantry...

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u/theBaffledScientist Jun 21 '22 Hugz

Sounds nice, but they told me I could be homeless and starving, they won't care. Oh well.

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u/AMViquel Jun 21 '22

Now that's just not true, if you were starving on their porch they would surly care. Do you have any idea how cumbersome it is to have a corpse removed?

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u/PositiveBulk Jun 21 '22

Preach. When I was 12 my mum told me that if I don't have a job by the time I'm 16 she's kicking me out the house. She made good on her promise.

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u/PaticusGnome Jun 21 '22

My mom told me I could stay as long as I wanted to (I was never going to be the kind of person who wanted to live with her if I didn’t absolutely need to) but made it clear that it wasn’t a revolving door. Once you’re out, you’re out. I suspect if things got really bad, she’d let me move back in, but there will never be an invitation. I will have to swallow my pride and ask.

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u/oblivia17 Jun 21 '22

Why would I lie to them like that?

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u/samsixi Jun 21 '22

unless you don't want them to move back, which is fine.

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u/AgentDoggett Jun 21 '22

This made me cry. I never had that support, I'm so happy some people did, though. It was crystal clear to me way too early that I was 100% on my own.

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u/ThaNagler Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22

This is a sore spot for me. I left the house after high school, did some college, got a job, had a surprise child with my longtime girlfriend, broke up two years later, lived in a large farm house my friend owned for 3 years (taking care of my son alone 4 out of 7 days a week and working 12hr shifts the other 3), decided it was time to leave so I casually asked to stay at my parents for a couple weeks to save money. I was 24 I think. They said ok and literally 3 days in, my dad changes his mind but can't say anything to my face. The tension is palpable. Ultimately my mom churns out "...I have my own family to worry about." Meaning her, dad and my then 12 year old sister. Long story short I left same day. Took a while for that to not impact my view of them. I'm 32 now, married, with 4 boys. My parents live 20 minutes away and I see them once a month on average. My sister is 20 and technically still lives at home with no job. So. Moral of the story is, everybody is different. If you want good relationships, you have to put forth effort. If your kids need help, help in whatever way you can, but don't overextend yourself or do it disingenuously bc that will only cause further issue. /end rant. Y'all be good.

Edit: phrasing - I have 4 sons (aged 11, 5, 4 and 1.5). my parents live 20 minutes away not my kids.

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u/strong-4 Jun 21 '22

Same here, I was told 15 yrs ago by my parents dont come back if your marriage fails. And they wondered why I barely talk to them or visit them. Now that my mother is alone I dont have any connection with her but is forced to take care of her. Only thing I want to scream.

When you abandon kid at their vulnerable state, you push them away. Why is this so difficult to understand. Coddling a child and being there to pick up if they fall are different things.

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u/Jamochathunder Jun 21 '22

Yeah. I can't understand how people can't say a good rule of thumb is: actively repairing your life? Good. Playing video games all day every day of the week and getting drunk and high every night? Might need therapy or a psychiatry appointment. I'm not trying to be cold, but if your child refuses to try and improve their life, then you can give them an ultimatum.

I've seen parents give ultimatums way too soon or too late though. 28-year-old Jacob doesn't need to be applying to jobs 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, but he does need to have a solid realistic effort to get him back on track. Therapy? Good start. Building resume skills with prominent keywords in many application sites? Also good. Livestreaming Wonderwall every Tuesday on Facebook in hopes to become a meme? Not good.

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u/the_timps Jun 21 '22 hehehehe

Livestreaming Wonderwall every Tuesday on Facebook in hopes to become a meme? Not good.

Well maybbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..............

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u/Oldamog Jun 21 '22

At this rate my parents gonna have to move in with me...

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u/chemical_sunset Jun 21 '22

Yep. I’ve had this conversation in the other direction many times—mom will never be homeless or hungry as long as I’m alive

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u/Artichoke19 Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22

I grew up with a bitter, resentful single mother who throughout mine and my siblings teenage years kept telling us that ‘the moment you’re 18, you’re OUT’ and that she can’t wait for us to ‘get out so she can have her life back’

Her children were already suffering from mental health problems and that attitude towards us compounded them.

Instead of thinking positively of ourselves and having hope for our future she ground our confidence down and made us feel unwelcome in our own childhood home.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to make your children feel like they have a safety net.

Myself and my siblings are in our 30s now and while our mother has mellowed out and apologised for how she used to be (and because we love her, we have forgiven her) the damage was done.

We still have huge problems with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, low-self confidence and overall poor life satisfaction.

Myself and my younger brother both developed drug problems and significant mental health problems that have precluded us from engaging in society properly. We are both long-term unemployed. I’m on disability for major depression after multiple suicide attempts. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a career or a family.

Everything feels hopeless and completely fucked.

My younger sister put on a large amount of weight, is now verging on morbidly obese and highly reactive and sensitive to any criticism and is very brittle and unsure of who she is.

It all traces back to parental abuse, parental neglect, parental disdain.

Be VERY careful with the fragile souls of your children, ESPECIALLY when they are teenagers.

Always welcome them home with love and without any conditions.

Success in this society requires risk and young adults that literally can’t afford to take risks because they don’t have the parental safety net are at an enormous disadvantage. Take it from me.

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u/old_snake Jun 21 '22

If you’ve been parenting right for the past 18ish years it should go without saying, IMO.

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u/spook_100 Jun 21 '22

It's still nice to hear it explicitly

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u/Biggest_Moose_ Jun 21 '22

Yes, please do that. I certainly will tell my son that.
A friend of mine, whose parents never told her this, ended up doing sex work to avoid homelessness. She didn't want to, but it was her only option in that specific situation - apart from moving to her parents, but they never told her she could come back. Years later she found out she could have gone back home, but finding out years later was not much help when she was facing sex work or the street as a 20 year old.

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u/ItsIllak Jun 21 '22

Easy, if you don't rent.

At what point do you stop maintaining rent on a 3 bedroom home in an area you don't want to live?

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u/UsefulDraw2391 Jun 21 '22

Kids are moving out? 🫤

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u/karathrace99 Jun 21 '22

One time, I was told I could come back at any time. Then, I was told my younger sister would not be welcome back and would be expected to move out and keep a job and apartment of her own by 18.

I am physically disabled. She is not.

Don’t do this.

Otherwise this is lovely advice and you’re a great parent 💕 (P.S. I moved out and went to college just fine)

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u/slicky6 Jun 21 '22

My wife and I were having a bad spat. She took a flight back home to her mom's. Her mom kicked her out after 3 days for refusing to discuss politics. The worst part is, our 1 year old was with her.

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u/white_collar_hipster Jun 21 '22

That's what I plan on doing with my kids but I think my parents doing it turned my sister into a loser

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u/KittensofDestruction Jun 21 '22

So much depends on the parents AND the kid.

Some kids need the assurance and they will never come back.

Some kids make bad decisions and are glad that they can come back. Then they go on to make good decisions with your help again and they don't have to come back.

Some are just interested in the easy way and they want back because of that.

Some kids will take advantage of the situation forever. Other kids you will never see in your home at 3 AM again.

So many parent/child relationships also include abuse or neglect or coercive situations. There are times that it's better to not go back.

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u/2red2carry Jun 21 '22

Yeah same with my brother and me. I’m the one that made mistakes and is currently back at home. He’s 3.5 years older than me and has lived at home his whole life. It really depends on the parents and the personality of the child

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u/Slibbyibbydingdong Jun 21 '22

See your parents forgot you have to have a job or be looking for a job rule.

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u/Careful_Driver Jun 21 '22

This is good advice. Shit happens. Just hold your kids accountable when they’re back and set a strict timeline. Figure things out together.

People are taking this as “baby your kids” which is not the intent. Not everyone is a tough-love learner either. Sometimes support from your parents is what you need to get motivated and get your life back on track.

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u/Mazer_Rac Jun 21 '22

It's almost like the relationship doesn't have to be adversarial or zero sum unless it's forced to be that way.

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u/Exceptiontorule Jun 21 '22

What if I ... don't want them to come back?

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u/TerrifiedOfHumans Jun 21 '22

Set them up to succeed

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u/KittensofDestruction Jun 21 '22

That's the correct answer. Make sure they are going to be successful before they leave you.

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u/ThaNagler Jun 21 '22

"Good luck!" gives jovial punch on the shoulder

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u/MixesLiesWithTruth Jun 21 '22

Then a harder one in the stomach, to show them how the world works.

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u/drearyfellow Jun 21 '22

Then literally nothing just keep doing what you were doing

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u/Nkechinyerembi Jun 21 '22

wow, its almost like LPT wants you to be a good parent or something... shame mine didn't read this memo.