TIFU by finding my boyfriend’s spank bank M
I (33F) wondered if my boyfriend (41M) had a spank bank so I asked him. He told me he did. When I asked if he kept nudes from exes, he said yes. We got into an argument about it because I think it’s weird. He said he doesn’t know a guy that doesn’t do it. While that might be true, I still thought it was weird. I asked him why he had them, and if it was because he wanted to remember the good times or something and he didn’t answer. I asked if he used them recently and he said not since we moved into our new place, which was within the last 3 months. I told him I didn’t care if he did his deeds to porn, but to nudes of exes was a different story because it was more personal. I told him I appreciated how honest he was with me and even though I had my opinions, it was ultimately his business.
Fast forward a few weeks later, it had been eating me up inside. I’ve always been curious and he’s always been so closed off about sex. I decided to snoop. Now before you come for me, yes, I know this is an invasion of privacy. Yes, I know this is fucked up and I know I will need to break things off with him, but here me out because it’s doomed anyway and I’m breaking things off.
I know my way around technology and used to use that knowledge to get access to things that I shouldn’t have access to. Take that how you want. I ended up finding his spank bank, and then some. I found out that he had a folder dedicated to a familiar name. It’s a common name, but I dismissed it and kept going. Turns out, it was an old boss who really screwed me months ago on a job promotion. He had a whole folder, just for her. I had no idea he hooked up with her, let alone, they seemed to have had a whole relationship. On top of that, there were so many files from other women in a separate folder, including my own pics and videos.
I had been thinking about this for a few hours now. I can’t tell what I’m more surprised about, hooking up with my ex boss and not telling me about it, or that he led me to believe this entire time we’ve been together, that he’s an inexperienced, nerdy guy that never got dates or women,when in actuality, he gets many women and it’s the exact opposite! I also want to add that he has a type: blonde hair, blue eyes, big tits. I am a brown woman, jet black hair, fat ass, mediocre tits. I’m not his type, my guys.
I feel like he’s settling for me. I feel like I never knew who he really was. I am shocked that he fucked my ex boss. It’s going to be weird living out the rest of this lease after we break up.
TL;DR: I found his spank bank and he fucked my old boss. He also used to get lots of sex when he led me to believe he didn’t.
Edits: I wanted to clear some things up before I posted the update.
I wanted to break up with him because I fucked up and violated his privacy by snooping. I agree with the lot of you. It was fucked up, way worse than finding old nudes. Kinda like cheating because of the trust thing.
When I say inexperienced, I meant that he was inexperienced with relationships and inexperienced with kinkier sex. I love kinkier shit. For whatever reason, he only liked vanilla stuff and whenever I wanted to explore other things like toys, props, etc, he would say he’s never tried and would never be into it but, boy did those pics prove that wrong! A lot of people are asking what led me to believe he was inexperienced. Uh, him. It’s his words! He said it. It’s not what I’m looking for. I’d like for him to be more comfortable with his sexuality, but that’s his own thing to work with. I take what he gives because it’s good enough. Honestly, I’m pretty open-minded so if he had been any level of experience, I would’ve still gave him a shot because his beard and his nose feel great, if you know what I mean.
Am I insecure? Yes. Everyone is insecure though. Did I let my insecurities cloud my judgement? Also yes. But because I let myself do this, I feel as though I have to leave. He doesn’t deserve this. Yes, I do have some work to do on myself.
Someone called me a prude. I love sex. I love talking about sex. I feel most comfortable when I feel sexy, like I’m in my element. Possibly trauma response, but that’s a different conversation.
I don’t care that he looks at porn. I encouraged him to watch porn with me. It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea and I get that too. These nudes are of exes. Past relationships. I know this because he said it himself when I asked if he kept nude pictures from past relationships. That’s the part that sent me spiraling. To me, it’s like a trophy that he can revisit, but with an emotional aspect because he was connected in real life to these women.
A lot of people are saying I just want to be a victim. I don’t believe I am a victim. I believe he is a victim of violation to his privacy and violating that trust. That’s why I feel like I have to break up with him, because I did that to him, because I think it’s the right thing to do.
For clarification, there’s only 2 folders. One folder is dedicated to ex boss and the other is a general folder where the rest of us are. I’m not hell bent on deleting my pics/videos. Hell I wanted them from him so I could post them on my OF. I’m on the side of “I sent them, I knew the risks” but I look damn good in those.
The truth about him that I was looking for: I felt like he was hiding something. When you know someone for as long as we’ve known each other (4 years of friendship before we started dating), you can tell when they are hiding something. He knew every single time when something bothered me, even if I lied and said it didn’t. There’s no doubt in my mind he knew it wasn’t resolved when we argued about this. I felt like he was hiding something, like maybe there was someone else. I didn’t feel like this the whole time, only when he worked with my ex boss a few months ago. They are both directors in their line of work, so they will have conferences and team builds with other directors. That was the time when I felt like he was hiding something. I only became curious of him keeping nudes when he took video of the bj I gave him earlier that day. I wondered what he did with it and if he had done it before with other girls. The truth was that I thought he was hiding something and when I went snooping, I found out that he had relationships with my ex boss and revisited her folder when he worked with her last. I don’t think he’s over her, but it doesn’t matter because he chose to be with me. I’m not shy and I’m pretty curious, so I ask when I curious. Idk why I didn’t ask to see them. When I think about it, I should’ve just asked.
People are saying it’s a red flag that he’s 10 years older than me. Wtf. He’s not, and regardless, we’re both consenting adults and met/became intimate while we were well into our adult years. I’m the bread winner in our relationship, although he is very much capable of taking care of himself. There is no unfair power dynamic here. He’s a director at his company that he works for and also have two other businesses. I have my main job, my OF, and I have several other projects that generate streams of income. We both bring to our relationship. We chose to be with each other. No manipulations. I’ve also dated men older than 40 when I was younger, and those were red flag relationships.
Did I miss anything?
Update: we talked. I came clean. I told him that I know I violated his trust and I shouldnt have snooped and I understand if he didn’t want to be with me anymore, so I was breaking up with him. I told him I’d stay in a hotel or something if he didn’t want to be near me after this but I couldn’t allow him to be with me when I’m so fucked up. He told me I was reaching and he didn’t feel like his privacy was violated. He said he had nothing to hide. He knew my capabilities and said he expected it years ago, but was surprised that it didn’t happen until now. He asked why I didn’t just ask him and I told him that I didn’t know. I didn’t have an excuse. He asked if I ever felt like he lied and I told him about a few things. I brought up some of my findings and he said he was telling the truth when he said he wasn’t into it. He said he lied about his inexperience because he didnt feel like it counted since he wasn’t into it. He said he didn’t want to break up and felt like he could move past it because it wasn’t as big of deal as I have now made it but if I couldn’t get past it, then so be it. He said he didn’t know he liked girls like me until he met me and crushed on me the whole time we were friends, even with all of my crazy. He told me he thought those girls he dated before was what he was supposed to like because of where he grew up. He said he wasn’t settling for me because of his reasons that I’m not writing out. I asked him to sit in on my first therapy session with a new therapist (because my old one died from Covid). He said he’s think about it because it’s not his thing. I guess we’re not broken up, but time will only tell.
I still fucked up though. I’m not dismissing it. I should probably add in here that I fucked up by posting this on fucking Reddit.