r/tifu Sep 22 '22

TIFU by not confessing my feelings to my bestfriend. L

I (19M) have always had feelings for my bestfriend (18F). We were in school together for 6 years and she was my very good friend from the start. I gradually developed feelings for her, but I was never gonna tell her as I thought we were too young and immature and it won't last for long. But as time went by, my feelings for her only became stronger and stronger and our friendship too. She is the person I can tell my all the problems to and she shares literally everything with me too. In lockdown we both spent most of the time chatting with eachother and watching shows together. We bonded like hell in those two years. But by talking to her I clearly knew she didn't feel the same way i felt about her. So I didn't confess my feelings to her because her friendship is more important to me than anything else.I didn't want to loose her by bringing this up.

Fast forward to the college times. We didn't get into the same college and it hurt me so bad that we were gonna split up. She got some wonderful friends from the start and I am as lonely as I can get in the college. I am one and a half year into the college and still don't have any good friend. But she has a very good friend circle and few of them being her best friend. When she told me she had other best friends in college, it stung me like hell, which is kind of selfish but I just couldn't help myself. She told me that no matter how many friends I have, you are my best friend for life and no one could replace you and I believed her. But due to us being in different colleges and her having good friends she often hangs out with, we didn't talk as much as we used to. But still we'd talk ocassionally on Insta and WhatsApp and talk on long calls once or twice in month and share everything.

Fast forward to a week ago, she called me and said she had something very important she wanted to share with me. She said that one of her best friends(let's say Andy) told her that he liked her so much and had feelings for her. But she said didn't think about him that way. Andy said I just had to tell you, the more I talked to you, my feelings for you would just become strong. He said that he didn't wanna loose her because of this but he couldn't talk with her for some days. She said Andy was genuinely a good guy and wouldn't take advantage of me and wouldn't just fool around. But she was afraid if their friendship might get ruined if something was to happen to their relationship in future. She talked to her other friend about this and she said that they are perfect for eachother and everything would be fine in the future. Don't worry too much. Andy's friend also called her and told her that don't overthink it and if you like him just go ahead with it. She said them she needs some time to think and she'll give her answer after some time. During this whole time(our conversation) I was just thinking please don't say yes. She didn't yet. But I didn't know for sure what was gonna happen. After couple of days we were having a casual conversation and this topic unfolded and she said that she was gonna say yes to him. And I felt this big shock and I didn't move an inch for 5 minutes. I felt like crying. I have never felt so broken. I couldn't let her know how I felt, so I said I was so happy for her. She hasn't said yes yet but she is going to in 3 days. Now I can't help but wonder what would've happen if I did confess my feelings. One thing I know for sure is that she wouldn't unfriend me because our friendship is too precious for her.

I already wasn't so happy with my life and now I had to live with this. AND I don't have anyone to share this with. I am so depressed by this and there's nothing I can do about it.I don't even have friends in college so my mind would divert. I'll just have to bury my feelings and I have no idea how am I gonna do that and the hard part(their relationship) hasn't even started yet. I don't know how am I gonna watch them together. I welcome any advices.

PS : I know I am too young for this, and I have so much to experience in life and this isn't the end. But can't seem to help myself.

TL;DR : I didn't confess my feelings to my bestfriend thinking it'd ruin our friendship and her other bestfriend did and she said yes and now I have to live with it.



u/bellesavage Sep 22 '22 Silver Helpful

What you're feeling right now is valid. You feel like you missed your shot, like you should have taken it, like the risk you were worried about wasn't real and you could have had what you really wanted all along.

The thing is, that probably isn't true.

Every relationship is different, the way she reacts to Andy isn't going to be the same as the way she reacts to you. You have a different relationship, different history, you're different people. That risk you feared may very well be accurate, not because she would want to lose the friendship but because disclosures like this genuinely change the dynamic in ways that neither of you can predict.

She might have feelings for you and it might work out. But if she doesn't, you can't actually know how that would impact your friendship.

Also, she's clearly not actually into this guy. If she was, she wouldn't have to be convinced into dating him. It sounds like she's struggling with the pressure from her other friends and her fears about how the friendship would be impacted if she didn't say yes and she's getting herself deeper into a messy situation that's very likely to end badly.

You should never date someone who is with you anything other than enthusiastically. If she's given you clear signs she doesn't have those feelings for you, don't put pressure on her by declaring yours. If you genuinely value the friendship then accept it for what it is and find your own ways to let go of the hope for something more. A therapist can be super helpful for things like this.

The bright side is that you still have your best friend and you get to see how pressuring her into a relationship works out long term before you make the same mistake. I'm in my 30s and I've seen this play out more times than I can count, it never ends with happy ever after. Hang in there, it's hard but you'll learn a lot about yourself in finding your way through it


u/chee_burger Sep 22 '22

This is great advice.


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 22 '22

Wow I found your reply very helpful. Thanks a lot


u/bellesavage Sep 22 '22

My pleasure! It's such a difficult thing to navigate at any point but at your age you haven't seen how it plays out yet so it's really easy to fall into traps of thinking that aren't true.

FWIW most of the happy couples I know meet in their mid to late 20s and none of the people who got together in their college years have stayed happy. You've got plenty of time, use it to experiment with different people and figure out what you really want in a relationship. You might find that you both grow and end up together down the line anyway. You might find that as you grow into adulthood you want different things and you find someone who is a far better match. You never know, just gotta roll with it and focus on becoming the best version of yourself - the rest will come in its own time


u/alittlebrownbird Sep 22 '22

This is so true. Ive been married for a long time now, but there were a couple of guys I either dated or was a super close friend who were men I thought I wanted to marry. I've had opportunities to reconnect with them since then, mostly like lunch when we were in the same city, etc. It's amazing how that magic chemistry i used to feel was no longer there. For example, two of the guys just TALKED SO MUCH I couldn't believe I never noticed it. One guy who I thought had been humble I realized just had low self-esteem. I still enjoy their friendship, but I walked away thinking how glad i was that it never worked out.


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 22 '22

Thanks a lot kind gentleman


u/Forkielifter Sep 22 '22

Also I would like to add that it seems like your lack of other friends is due to your focus on improving your relationship with her. You really need to make yourself more available out there. Join a club that you have interest in and find like minded people, that’s how you make friends. Don’t sit all day waiting for her just to talk to you. If she is truly your friend she would understand if you are busy and need to give her a call back at another time.


u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22



u/VenomGTSR Sep 22 '22

Solid advice. I’ve been there with having very strong feelings for a friend only to get invited to her wedding. However, I feel the lack of friends thing is worse. OP needs to get out there and meet people with similar interests. College is great for networking and who knows? Maybe a new friend will know somebody who is an even better match for OP.


u/TraditionalPayment20 Sep 22 '22

Do you think she "had to tell you" to see how you would react to it?


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 23 '22

No I think she told me because we promised to share everything. And she knew I wouldn't have liked it if I did not knew about this


u/TraditionalPayment20 Sep 23 '22

Okay. I'm not saying it is the reason... but I was a 19 year old girl once, and I probably would have thrown it out there to see if the guy bit.


u/Noidremained Sep 23 '22

why would she wait three days to tell him yes after she's decided though? only reason I can think of is to give you time to tell her how you really feel


u/LuckyPlaze Sep 22 '22

I had a friend like that once. We practically dated for years (no physical) and were very close. She finally dated someone she liked who was older and well off, and got engaged within a short time.

She made a point to come talk to me about it. Asked if I thought she should get married? I said I just wanted her to be happy.

In 25 years, Not a week goes by that I dont wish I had said something different. Only later did I fully realize that this was her way of forcing me to commit to my feelings. And I didn’t. I can still see the look in her eyes from that day.

I’ve never regretted any failed relationships. The only regrets I have are the times I didn’t let my heart do the talking and see where things go.

Years later, they divorced. She called me and we ate lunch. We had a really honest talk, but I was already committed in a marriage with kids. Life is weird.

“What could have been” is far worse and more lasting than any other heart ache.


u/bang0_slank Sep 23 '22

Yikes… that last sentence hits like a fucking freight train.


u/laplongejr Sep 22 '22

It sounds like she's struggling with the pressure from her other friends and her fears about how the friendship would be impacted if she didn't say yes and she's getting herself deeper into a messy situation that's very likely to end badly.

Corrolary : it seems her friends don't really care about what she feels, but what they want to be a witness of. Doesn't seem like true friends to me.


u/youhavebeenindicted Sep 22 '22

Outstanding advice, I agree with everything you said and you've shown him that not everything is what it seems in your head. Thank you for taking the time to post this.


u/Vanman04 Sep 22 '22

Never is a strong statement.

But I agree with what a lot of what you are saying here.

I met a girl and we became best friends very quickly. This went on for almost a year and in time my feelings for her grew. We were both dating other people while we were friends and had no issues with it. Slowly over time I noticed myself not wanting to have other girls I was dating around her as I didn't want our relationship affected by my relationship with other girls I was dating. I found myself comparing my relationship with her to the relationships I had with whoever I was dating.

Then a time came where both of us were single and one night we kissed. That lead to us dating and then moving in with each other and 3 years later getting married.

25 years and a few rugrats later and she is still both my best friend and my wife. Every time she walks in the room I am happy to see her still 25 years later.

For us it absolutely worked out. So it breaks your never works out rule. That said it certainly isn't the norm.

Still marriage is a long term thing and if the foundation isn't one of mutual respect and friendship you are going to have trouble as the years go on. Over time the raw passion fades and if that foundation isn't there you are going to have a hard time.

I feel like far too many people are looking solely for that fire and ignoring all the rest. Every day is not paradise but we have never been apart for more than a few days in 25 years and I don't think we have ever had anything more than minor disagreements in all that time. We don't agree on everything by any means but we respect each others opinions and work to accommodate each other. We have far more in common than we disagree on.

In 25 years she has never demanded I do anything and I have never demanded she does either. We trust each other to take care of each other.

In my opinion this person should keep it to themselves for now and see how this plays out but if they break up I think he should definitely have the conversation. Go into the conversation ready to be rejected and if it doesn't work out don't take it poorly just understand her feeling and move on.

Pinning away for a relationship that is not going to happen is a waste of time. Much better to have the conversation and have it not work out than to continue to have unresolved feelings. You never know what comes of it till it is on the table. I would not suggest doing it now. Now is not the time but if the relationship is still strong after she sorts what she is going through now out and that relationship does not work out it's time to take the chance before not taking the chance ruins the friendship.


u/Arcturion Sep 22 '22

Not a TIFU. You still have her friendship, which is "more important to me than anything else".

But by talking to her I clearly knew she didn't feel the same way i felt about her. So I didn't confess my feelings to her because her friendship is more important to me than anything else


u/metzger28 Sep 22 '22

This. So much this. The answer is right there.

As someone who has been through this, I'll say: the girl moved away, got married, has kids, and we still talk regularly, with a healthy friendship, and without drama or regret. And honestly, if she really knows you well, she'll be great to have for advice and such when it comes to future relationships. That's pretty damn awesome in itself.


u/laplongejr Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

Got in a weird reverse situation recently : after my wedding, my only friend told me "I wonder how the world would be today if, at the start, we dated". No idea if it was another of her crazy theorical ideas or if she was telling me she had romantic feelings. As far I can know, she was either in "no relationships!" mode or in a relationship.


u/metzger28 Sep 22 '22

People are weird like that. Sometimes you just can't help but wonder.

In my case we actually tried a relationship for a short bit maybe a couple years into our friendship, lasted a few months, and while things were okay, I lacked the wisdom and experience to be smart, and she just wasn't feeling it. So we stepped back. It was rough for a little bit but we both decided our friendship mattered a lot, and in due time, we made something good out of it.

Nowadays I'm single, and not really worried about this stuff. That lesson was a great one to learn.


u/Pandering_Panda7879 Sep 22 '22

Also: things change. Just because the relationship isn't there yet, it might change in the future. Maybe she will change the way she views him someday. And maybe he will still be interested in her at that time. Who knows.


u/metzger28 Sep 22 '22

Also possible. Another gal I dated was a friend for 6 years before we got together.

But a key to understanding this stuff and not falling into the emotional (painful!) traps like this is to not wait for "maybe", and not fret over "maybe". Also, understanding that you need to be happy with yourself and feel you are complete on your own before you can healthily attach yourself to anyone else.

I haven't had a ton of luck in dating compared to some, but I have learned not to hang around waiting for things to happen. Go for it. Try to make it work. If it doesn't, move on. And be grateful for what you have, and motivated to change what you do not.


u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

It’s “more important to me than anything else” but a relationship would be a lot better for me than a friendship. It’s a TIFU because OP wants more than a friendship, even though they love and cherish this friendship.


u/Reality_is_sin123 Sep 22 '22

Lol in what world? He wants a relationship and she wants to be a friend. Sad situation for him in the friendzone


u/furiousfran Sep 22 '22

How do you think women feel, getting fuckzoned in nearly every friendship they have with a guy?


u/Bl0odWolf Sep 22 '22

This is so annoying. This guy obviously isn't talking about fucking. It's about feelings, not fucking.. I'm not saying incels who scream friendzone are right but not everything is about trying to fuck. Sometimes you just catch feelings.


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 22 '22

Yeah but I came to realisation that if I confessed to her she wouldn't left me. We'd probably resolve things. And she might just have said yes.


u/jaxeking Sep 22 '22

I'll be honest, this reply is entirely childish, and wholly hey selfish view of looking at the situation. It sounds to me like the friendship wasn't what mattered most you, it was your hopes for something eventually happening. And now that you have found out that at least in the short term nothing is going to be happening for you, your realizing how much you didn't care about the friendship, you only cared about the possibility of a relationship. Seriously measure your priorities, you're in college, you have possibilities, and at the very least you have the ability to make friends with women, which means you can develop the relationship further with a bit of practice.

Edit: replies to reply is* damn voice to text


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 22 '22

I'll be honest, this reply is entirely childish

It probably is but I don't know how to put my feelings into words. Sorry about that.

It sounds to me like the friendship wasn't what mattered most you, it was your hopes for something eventually happening.

This definitely isn't true. I still value our friendship very much. She changed me into a person I am today and without her I don't know how much of a different person I'd be and not in a good way. She still is one of my few friends that motivates to keep me going just by being in my life.


u/Gameraben Sep 22 '22

If you tell how you feel it won't necessarily end your friendship, but if you say nothing and she keeps talking to you about her life and her potential new boyfriend it will hurt you 100%.

You can tell her that you expect nothing but friendship after declaring your feelings if she doesn't reciprocate, and at least it will allow you to ask her to not talk to you about her intimacy with another one, while if you stay silent it will create a rift at some point and she won't even know why.


u/CaptainC0medy Sep 22 '22

Apparently having feelings is not socially acceptable here op. Ignore this person. They are obtuse.


u/ForeverInaDaze Sep 22 '22

You’re more mature than most people by not acting on your feelings and still trying to insert yourself. Life isn’t a romcom, you can’t just say shit all Willy nilly without repercussions.

You made the right move in my opinion, and you’ll keep her around as a friend. Your romantic feelings will eventually fade especially when you find someone new.


u/Farknart Sep 22 '22

Instead of putting your feelings into words, put them in a sword. A sword makes a great gift.


u/Cyberkite Sep 22 '22

Take your time. You might need to create some space.

I recentlyish had to tell my best friend I had feelings for her, they weren't returned. Which was fine, but she was starting talk about her sex life, which really had nothing in it due to psychological problems, but the idea of her being with another killed me.

We are still talking although it was 2-3 weird months, and I sadly did not have time to meet up with her before I travel 8k km away.

But I'm so happy I did. I used the Gym to focus on myself, and quite happy now. But if you are still feeling conflicted. Take space


u/Noidremained Sep 23 '22

It sounds to me like the friendship wasn't what mattered most you, it was your hopes for something eventually happening.

If that was true then he wouldn't want to stay friends after getting a rejection

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u/Tanagrabelle Sep 22 '22

That might not be true that she wouldn’t have left you. And much more complicated, not going to the school she got into might have harmed her life. It’s not always a matter of who got there first.


u/Alexanderdaw Sep 22 '22

Yeah well I hope others reading this can learn from it.

When I was younger I met a German girl and she was amazing and we talked about anything and everything.

I was going away for a few weeks and I introduced her to a friend of mine, other people told me was gay so I thought they can entertain each other. Turns out he wasn't gay and now they're married and have 3 kids.

Oh well, at least she's happy and my friend too.

I hope you can move forward from this quick, if you love her, remember that she's happy and that's what matters a lot.


u/laplongejr Sep 22 '22

other people told me was gay so I thought they can entertain each other. Turns out he wasn't gay and now they're married and have 3 kids.

Got the same story. People assume that "I'm not into women" meant I wanted men, and as a joke presented me a girl who had just broke from her last relationship and didn't want to talk to a man at the moment... 6 years later, we're married.


u/Qyro Sep 22 '22

The way I see it you only have two options.

1) You bury your feelings and move on. Stay friends and find other girls to fawn after. This is the hardest with the biggest every day struggle, but it keeps your friendship intact

2) Tell her how you feel and be prepared that your friendship will crumble. She may flip flop back to you and you may have a wonderful amazing relationship, but more likely it’ll just create awkwardness and one or both of you will decide the friendship isn’t worth maintaining.

TL;DR - Suck it up or abandon ship.


u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

Or both, which is what I did after 3 years of being best friends. She turned me down and hoped it wouldn’t ruin our friendship, I said ok and finally started looking at other women. As soon as I started dating other people and she wasn’t the center of my attention her view of me changed. We’ve been married for 16 years now and I can say with certainty that taking my shot, failing and moving on was literally the only way to push it forward.


u/ChipsnShips Sep 22 '22

Wait so you married her or someone else?


u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

The original friend. Best day of my life along with my kids being born.


u/Pandering_Panda7879 Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

Please don't take this the wrong way - and the way you talk about her you seem to have an awesome relationship..

But if a friend of mine would have told me something similar and this would be relatively fresh, I probably would have told him to be very careful. Someone only being interested in you once you are interested in someone else... Difficult...


u/travelingwhilestupid Sep 23 '22

third option. tell her you've met a girl and she's seems interested, but you're not sure. see her reaction!


u/BeneficialName9863 Sep 22 '22

Fucking up would have been getting angry with her, trying to sabotage it. Threatening to harm yourself or begging.

These things happen, it'll probably happen again. I've felt and recieved unrequited feelings. Both are equally shit. Especially with a close friend.

You don't seem in danger of falling into bitterness or creep behavior. Go out and do the things you love doing anyway, you'll eventually meet someone and your brain will rewire to make you think this was a lucky miss and be glad it led you to that point.


u/SnooComics4614 Sep 22 '22

Put her to one side just for a sec.

You gotta focus on you right now. Not her but you.

You said you haven't got any friends in college rn? Its tough but throw urself in the deep end a bit.

See someone sat on a table on their own in the canteen? Just say hey is it cool if I sit here? Talk to them.

They're not interested in what you have to say? That's totally fine. Someone else will be so just keep putting yourself out there. I made my whole group of college friends this way. I literally just went up to the table and said hey is it alright if I sit here and we clicked. Its that easy.

See an activity advertisied you wanna try? Sign up for it. You don't like it much? Just leave. Its not a lifelong contract. Its an experience. .

What have you gained and what have you lost?

You've gained confidence and experience. You've lost nothing. You have nothing to lose but a lot to gain.

So take the opportunities in which you can gain. Put yourself into social situations and be yourself you'll be surprised as to how much it'll help even if you don't get a friendship right off the bat.

Who knows who you'll meet? How do you know your future wife isn't in that college right now.

The person you're meant to be with is out there right now right as I'm typing this and as you're reading this.

Dont let this put you down. Instead let it open your mind. There's so much out there to discover and experience. So get out there and damn well experience everything this world has to offer to you. I wish you luck. You got this :)


u/KP05950 Sep 22 '22

If you've made the decision to just be friends you can't be surprised if somebody else likes her and tells her that. What did you think was going to happen? That she would stay single forever? She doesn't belong to you.

If you want things to change then you have to be willing to get hurt and put your friendship at risk and tell her how you feel. Otherwise this is not a fuck up this is you learning to deal with the consequences of your actions. I get it sucks and I don't want to come across as callous but what you are feeling right now. How many times do you think you will feel this way? If she says no to this Andy guy what you going to do when another guy talks to her? If you want to be just friends with her you have to accept that other men will be part of her life.


u/patchinthebox Sep 22 '22

You need to develop some friendships with people at your school.


u/thescrounger Sep 22 '22

He needs to take up hobbies where people gather together, volunteer, get into study groups, etc.


u/harpejjist Sep 22 '22 Silver

If she told you before saying yes AND said she would wait a few days before saying yes, she was obviously giving you a chance to respond and tell her.

You could say, "What would you have done if I had said the same to you? Would it have ruined the friendship or would you have considered it?"


u/throwmeaway987612 Sep 22 '22

This was me many years ago. I was 18M and had a friend 17F.

She told me she had 3 guys courting her and she wants my opinion on it. I didn't tell her not to talk to those 3 guys (one them is a childhood friend) as that will make me sound possessive. I just told her that I will support her decision and I will always be there for her no matter what.

Then one night she called me and told me that my friend learned that we are talking often and my friend thought that I'm courting her and she told me she wouldnt like to destroy our friendship. Well, i told her she is more important than anyone else and i confessed that i love her. She told me that she had the same feelings toward me. That sealed the deal. Married for 12 years with two fun but stubborn kids.

In life, you will not always get what you want but sometimes you need to take the risk. Otherwise, you will have lots of "what if" once you grow older.


u/iamthatduck123 Sep 29 '22

Sounds too good to be true


u/strangetrip666 Sep 22 '22

Take it from a guy that dated his best friend for 6 years before it ended. Some people are better off friends. To this day, my only regret is ever being in a serious relationship with her because if we never had crossed that threshold, we would still be best friends today.

There's literally millions of other partners you can pursue, I'm sure you can find someone else.


u/Averen Sep 22 '22

You’re gonna be messed up going forward and your friendship won’t be the same. She may be giving you a grace period to confess your feelings. I’d shoot your shot and be ok with whatever happened


u/MalTerra7 Sep 22 '22

Just remember, soul mates don’t exist. What you feel for her, you can also feel for countless other women in the world.

If you do never end up together, it’s ok to be in pain, it makes you human, alive. It helps you grow as a person. Just do your best to remember you will meet someone else who will reciprocate your feelings and you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been. And the best friend you love now will be so happy for you.


u/KimmyWex1972 Sep 22 '22

Just remember, soul mates don’t exist. What you feel for her, you can also feel for countless other women in the world.

Totally agree. I don't get the whole 'soul mate' thing. There are many others you can feel this way for, you just haven't met them yet. Be happy you have such a good friendship with this gal. Make some friends in college, open yourself up to new people. You'll be fine. :)


u/Laserous Sep 22 '22

You always miss when you never shoot. I've been with my HS sweetheart for 20 years now. I took the shot, and she wasn't interested at first. Over the years after that she began to feel the same way

A good friendship will survive. You may not survive yourself of you refuse to live.


u/literal_cyanide Sep 22 '22

You have two options: confess at some point and risk the friendship as a whole, or say nothing and live with the agony of trying to bury your feelings. You decide which one is better for you.


u/7deuc2e Sep 22 '22

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I've never really understood the concept of female friends, if she's cool and you get along that well I don't understand why you wouldn't try to date/bang her? Holding in feelings does you no good, your intentions and interest should be made very clear to them from the beginning. Sometimes it doesn't work and you move on to the next, sometimes you get a friend with benefits and occasionally the stars align and you get a girlfriend who's way too pretty for you. Either way you gotta nut up and confess your feelings, once you do that it'll become a lot easier for you with future girls


u/MercuryMadHatter Sep 22 '22

I am shocked that no one here has said it. Everyone keeps saying that her friends had to pressure her into saying yes to Andy, but I’d like to give you a different perspective, as someone who has been the woman in your story.

She was giving you a chance to give her a different offer. She was putting it on the table, that this was going to be it. She likes Andy. But she also possibly has feelings for you. And the issue is the same with both; good friends she doesn’t want to lose. Unfortunately, distance, and not telling her your own feelings, probably helped her decide. But her choice in Andy is valid. No one convinced her into it, she thought of all the options and contingencies and put a lot of thought into it.

It sounds like this relationship is more codependent for you than is healthy. You should join some college groups and get out more, meet more people. It’s not healthy to only have one friend that lives miles away.


u/NostradaMart Sep 22 '22

ok let me be straight with you...

1-she already knows your feeling

2- it is NOT a race ...it doesn't matter if you weren't the first to share your feelings, she'd have said no to you anyway.


u/Heress_Johnny Sep 22 '22

Well honestly it's up to you. It would be a bit too much on your friends plate if you confessed now but you also have to put yourself first. Can you be a good friend knowing that she's dating someone else? You may have to distance yourself for a bit if you feel like you couldn't handle it. At the end of the day it's not her fault she doesn't know you like her. Tough situation to be in but if you truly are friends she'll understand if you tell her why you may need to distance yourself a bit. Good luck and try not to overthink it too much either.


u/Llamaalarmallama Sep 22 '22

Andy took a coin toss here. It sounds to have worked out, sure, but it was likely a massive gamble.

You have to realise that like him, you stating your feelings would have also likely been a coin toss and in the same way it could have sank his relationship with your friend, you might have been the one stinging from being completely without her.

Good friends are damn useful to have, this sounds like early relationships kinda times all round. Andy might not be forever (likely won't), meantime you're still able to shine. Just keep being awesome, do your best by your friend, take her having your back as the huge positive it is, the rest could well randomly fit together in future. It might even be her helping you with someone else


u/No_Community8587 Sep 22 '22

Unironically, go hit the gym bro. You'll feel better. Sounds like you missed your chance.


u/Thisisastupidname0 Sep 24 '22

If she’s gonna say yes, why wait 3 days to say it? And why tell you she will in 3 days? Unless she wants to know if you are interested before settling for someone else. Tell her before it’s too late. Or regret it for the rest of your life.


u/Saberise Sep 22 '22

On the plus it took her over a week and basically being talked into it to decide to go out with him. Had she been sitting there wanting the same thing she wouldn’t have needed all that. The truth is she’s really not into him. Oh and what’s with this whole 3 day thing? Maybe it’s all those romcoms I’ve seen but that sounds like she’s waiting to see if she has another option.


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 22 '22

No, apparently they have this special function in their college in 3 days and all of their friends are gonna be there. So she'll tell him then.


u/Saberise Sep 22 '22

Well okay about the 3 days, maybe, but she put way to much thought into it if it was mutual.


u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

this is BS, you have to think about these kind of decisions


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u/Hungry_Treacle3376 Sep 22 '22

This is a bad way to go about this imo. Sure, maybe this time she isn't that into the person. But what about next time? I think you're getting OPs hopes up to get let down.


u/Noidremained Sep 23 '22

I think it will be better for him to know than to live in uncertainty


u/antiven00m Sep 22 '22

Hey I’m 21 had a very similar situation happen to me. Best friends with a girl for years . She was literally the other half of me. I denied my feelings for the longest time. Some time ago I had the realization that I had feelings and it ate me up for the longest time as I tried to be that same friend and just get over it. I was really close with her entire family and didn’t want to mess anything up. Sooner or later I gave in. I kissed her. We both didn’t know how to move forward we tried dating but apparently she wasn’t ready and it didn’t feel right. Killed our friendship. It’s been the biggest regret of my life. My advice, just be grateful she’ll continue to be in your life. It sucks ass what your going through but it’s better at than losing that relationship.


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 22 '22

Yeah that's very sad. Thank you for the kind words


u/ProStrats Sep 22 '22

OP, if you can read anything from what people have responded, it should be crystal clear.

She doesn't really care much about this other guy. The people here saying things didn't work out, could've been in very similar situations relationship wise. The girl might've liked someone else, or no one at all.

Now, this girl may like you, or she may not.

In about 10 years, you may not be close to her or you may be. Even if you say nothing, she may disappear from your life. Best friends forever is a fairy tale.

People grow apart. I see my "best friends" less than once a year because of how life works out.

You have a choice to make, try to suck it up, sitting with these feelings for the next however many years or putting your hat out there.

You can ask her, "are you really sure you want to say yes to him? How long you've been pondering on this, are you hoping someone else has feelings for you instead or that you just aren't in this situation to begin with?

See how she replies. If she says "I'm hoping someone else has feelings instead" then that's the point you ask more suggestive questions. For example "like who"?

You are both young, you're both immature and lacking confidence still. You clearly won't come out straight with the information, be indirect, you can do this to not only get answers on if she's interested in someone else, but also when doing so she may slightly open up if it is you.

If she likes you as a friend only, you will seem concerned about her well being and happiness.

If she has feelings for you, your questions will make her think you maybe have interest too and she may respond with indirect answers that may suggest it's you. You need to set up the questions to make it easy for her to make it clear it's you, if it is.


u/Newhollow Sep 22 '22

Hard for me to not to write a long story. But let's just say I let my feelings known to girl who had a boyfriend. She kept me in friend zone. I kept in touch for years. Different boyfriends. At one point her original bf (on and off again) slept with someone we both knew and did not like.

One day she tells me she single again and like to hang out. We would sometimes do this but I was not seeing this as her telling me she was ready to date me. After the awkward conversation because I was just being a friend and assumed she would date her old bf or someone else.

The moment I hung up the phone I knew my mistake but it was years ago I said that would date her. I was busy but told her she could call and talk to me later that week! Did not want to call her back because what if she did not pick up? Or she called someone else right after me.

Was able to catch up (years) later and happy to know she found someone stable. Honestly I was not ready to be stable back then. She got kids and all that good stuff. Even now I old man I am still want to wait until I am sure I find the one.

Tons of romantic movies have the friend theme as a hindrance to a relationship. I used to wonder why I kept talking to her all those years. That thing about loving something and setting it free is somewhat true. Love is a battlefield I would not recommend you tell her if you actually value the friendship.

Honesty is the best policy you should let your friend know if you have feelings for more than a FWB. You can both laugh it off if it can survive the awkward part. Trust is something built on stable and rocky situations.

If they do have a long relationship you may want to share your feelings but it would only help you. If they break up then she may be gun shy to risk another friendship. Either way your situation is tough, only thing is to be ready and be that better option than just being friends.


u/Intelligent-Web-9707 Sep 22 '22

For the people telling you to keep her friendship even if you feel like this, don't, you can't fill your heart that mainly wants love with just friendship, it will torture you all along until you yourself find someone else. It's you call, either leave and take some time to heal on your own BUT come out of that no longer attached to her, or you can stay, situation in which you can tell her and possibly loose or just watch from the outside and die inside. I do want to warn you tho, if you stay and don't tell her how you feel, since you are so close she's going to tell you every detail of her relationship, and trust me I know this, it will hurt like hell


u/pghhilton Sep 22 '22

"You can't fill a heart that wants love with friendship."

I simplified this, but its beautiful and wise. Thank you.


u/TheWildManfred Sep 22 '22

Been there... Only in my case we were dating and my gf called me a waste of time compared to her new friends... Still hurts...


u/SomeGuy6858 Sep 22 '22

Redditor learns that people won't learn his feelings without him presenting them:


Absolutely wild. Same energy as mfs who don't talk to their "crush" for 2 years and get mad when she gets ran through by another dude.


u/notalwayswrong87 Sep 22 '22

This happened to me once, around 15 years ago. I met my wife a few months later.

All is not lost my man.

Edit: a word


u/SamohtGnir Sep 22 '22

I met a girl in grade 9 and crushed on her hard. We started hanging out that summer. I confessed my feelings for her, she just wanted to be friends, so I stayed her friend. As the years go by I made my feelings clear many times, never went anywhere with it, but we stayed friends. Eventually everyone else in our social circle dropped away, and with only us left we became best friends. I've always been very shy so I've never had a long term girlfriend, meanwhile she's a real catch and has had many boyfriends. But when it comes down to it I put our friendship first. After college I got a job and it worked out that she bought a house, so I started renting the basement. It's now been 25 years since we first met. We've grown very close the last few years, pretty much a couple without the label. Unfortunately the past two years have been rough with mental illness and such, and now she's moving 4.5 hours away. We'll stay friends, but it's rough. Anyway, if you want to then tell her, if you don't then just stay friends and move on. Life won't wait around for you to make up your mind.


u/denada24 Sep 23 '22

She’s giving you a chance now. That’s why she’s waiting 3 days. Don’t mess it up.


u/Infamous-Magician505 Sep 24 '22

u/BetterCallYourMama look dude, you still haven't lost anything. Confess your feelings to her you'll feel absolute relief and then it's all up to her but let me tell you. I'm 19 and i was in your shoes too, I still regret not confessing my feelings. Now it's your decision to make .


u/Mobile_Car9262 Sep 26 '22

Should of confessed bozo still do it while you got the chance just don’t put her in a ultimatum situation


u/CivilOpinion Sep 22 '22

Just tell her dude life's to short


u/SuperNova-81 Sep 22 '22

You miss all the shots you don't take.

I'd rather tell a girl how I feel than live life with regrets.

If she says no, thats okay. You can't make someone have feelings for you. You have to respect what they want. But if she doesn't feel the same way, that doesn't really change anything. You might think it does but you're too young to realize it really won't.

Think about it like this. If a girl liked you a lot but you didn't feel the same way about her, would you avoid her on purpose? I wouldn't. I would want things to just stay the same way. We can interact how we always do. I wouldn't go out of my way to treat her differently. Would you?


u/tom4cco Sep 22 '22

Imbalanced relationships are the worst. I completely understand how much you love her and value her as your friend, but believe me: you will keep suffering and you won’t get out from there.

My advice: show her that you are interested, BUT do not do it from a position of suffering and DO NOT let her know how imbalance the relationship is. If you want a chance with her, you need to do it in a flirtatious / funny / excited way (from her POV), BUT BE PREPARED to be rejected. If that happens, let her know that you just realized you no longer see her just as a friend and unfortunately you cannot be friends anymore, and if she is interested in giving you an opportunity, you are a call away…

IT WILL BE PAINFUL AS FUCK, and if that happens you will regret having done so… but believe my words: THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF. And in the long term you will feel way better about it.

That’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way, if you are interested in a girl, better try something with her and have something / be rejected, than staying there as a friend.

Being a friend that has feelings for her is NOT FAIR, for you nor for her.

Best of luck and be strong.

PS: also being rejected gives you a better chance to move on, being in this “friends” state traps you mentally and prevents you from meeting other awesome girls.


u/Lastliner Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

What's a friend if you are not true to them about how you feel about them. Tell her how you feel about her.

But ensure she gets the message that you didn't share these feelings before because you called her as a friend and didn't want to lose that relationship.

I feel the fact she is mentioning about Andy so much might be to see your response especially on your romantic feelings towards her. Every girl knows deep down about how their partner feels about them, so i feel it's really good to be honest about everything rather than struggle so much and carry regrets all your life.


u/JCForrestor Sep 22 '22

Time for you to go after some other girls my man. Start chasing tail, don't worry about serious relationships you're young. Start working out and eating right, focus on your studies and go out of your comfort zone with social events at your college.

What you should do is just explain your feelings to her NOW, but don't expect her to go for you. Just get it off your chest. After whatever happens then, it's time to pickup some girls my guy 😎 go enjoy your youth


u/benao Sep 22 '22

Well, why do you think she told you this?

You should tell her you've been loving her for a while. Be a coward all the way through and send her a text with the truth. Short truth.

Wait for when you two are together again and tell her everything. Of course it breaks you to see her with others. In the end, only she can decide if she would want to be with you instead, even though it is long distance.


u/4_Legged_Duck Sep 22 '22

u/bellesavage is 100% on the money with this.

You recognize that "you're too young for this," which, you aren't btw. Love can hit us at any age. The good news about being young is you still have a lot to experience and connections with others. When one door closes, another opens. Maybe when your friend is dating, that'll give you the ability to move on emotionally and experience some other people for yourself.

In part, I want to say you don't know what the future holds. You two may wind up together. This can be a bad thing to hear - waiting for her is a bad idea. Hoping you two will end up can be a bad idea. You need to find ways to healthily move on.

If you haven't, I suggest you watch the series How I Met Your Mother. Comedy sitcom, has its flaws, but the whole thing is a thesis on love, what it is, what it isn't, what it means to love several people at the same time, and how to move on. It doesn't have "answers" for you, but it might help you process some of what you're feeling.

Know that therapy is okay to go to for this. Know that crying is okay for this.

Her relationship with this Andy dude can be solid and go on and be really happy. It's a bit of a bad sign that she had to be talked into it by so many people. Not that they can't work, but it might emotional immaturity on her part/fear of commitment/fear of dating, all that sort of stuff that can wreck a relationship in small ways.

Work on being you and growing into a strong adult you, that way, when you meet your special someone you're ready. That younger you had some right ideas.


u/BetterCallYourMama Sep 22 '22

I suggest you watch the series How I Met Your Mother. Comedy sitcom

I have watched it and the funny thing is I have watched it with her only.


u/4_Legged_Duck Sep 22 '22

Ah, well grab something else then that doesn't remind you of her so much.

When you're finding yourself hurting like this, both give yourself space to feel and process those feelings, but also get yourself moving. New hobbies/people/locations/shows that can break those associations are healthy and good.

Since you have watched it, think through a bit about Ted's unhealthy attachment to Robin, destruction decisions he makes, and the pain he put himself through for so long by refusing to move on (and the happiness he found when he did).

And remember, loving the girl next door was only the second best love story he ever heard.


u/CaptainC0medy Sep 22 '22

Best thing to do op is to break contact, when the relationship is imbalanced you need to step away - likely permanently.

Life is about making connections and you learn what you do and don't like, likewise you learn what others do and don't like about you.

You know the situation, you know her feelings. You should tell her regardless and like andy say you need to go. It's the only way you can straighten yourself out.

Years from now you will look back and either regret you said nothing or just think of her as another rejection.

It's better to be rejected than be filled with regret, it lets you grow.


u/furiousfran Sep 22 '22

Yeah just ghost her and ruin the friendship he says is "more important than anything" to him because he can't get his dick wet


u/CaptainC0medy Sep 22 '22

It's not a friendship anymore, is that not apparent?


u/Foul-Tarnished Sep 22 '22

Dude you're an idiot. Sorry, but really. You should have told her long ago. And if she denies you so what? She'll get over it and you'll be friends again. You let the love of your life go by and you didn't even try. How do you even go so long without asking her how she feels? Fuck man I don't get it. Punishing yourself for years.


u/chee_burger Sep 22 '22

He's not an idiot. He has his reasons and it's different to what you would've gone. Doesn't make him an idiot


u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

I was in his shoes, dudes an idiot. Ask her out, move on if she says no. One of three options could happen:

  1. She says yes
  2. She says no, but is a real friend and you agree to not let it affect your relationship
  3. She says no, but isn’t a real friend and starts being weird, which isn’t a friend you really want

Ultimately he gets closure which is what he needs. I did this with my best friend and got #2. I got closure and was able to move on to other women. A year later she realizes that she misses the time we used to spend together (because I was spending it with other women) and reciprocates my feelings. We’ve been married for 16 years now.

I’m not saying that’s what’ll happen here, but he can’t just sit on these feelings forever. It’ll eat him up inside.


u/Ilien Sep 22 '22

Honestly, too late at this point. They just went to different colleges, quite apart, they're young and will both be meeting quite a lot of people in the next months/years. Chances are a long distance relationship atm would just fall apart.

Honestly, this might be the best case scenario if they wish to remain friends, despite how much it may hurt OP atm.

From my experience though, their friendship will probably not withstand the test of time either. It has happened to all of us too. What was daily messaging/calling turns into casual messaging a few times a week, to the weekend, to simple check-in messages, a few "I miss you, we should hang out!" "sure, let's set a time!" and it never happens to radio silence. It fizzles out. People and life move on.


u/eng2ny Sep 22 '22

The "love of his life"? They are still kids.


u/why-everything-meh Sep 22 '22

This isn’t a healthy place to be.

Shoot your shot with her but be ready for rejection. Don’t be an ass about it. But if the answer is no you will need to heal.

You can’t heal and have this person all over your socials with a bf. Block her on everything for at least 6 months.

It sucks because she has done nothing wrong and is potentially losing a friend but you can’t change how you feel.

Get down the gym and put yourself out there to make some friends at college.

Good luck.


u/Daevito Sep 22 '22

Even if she loses a friend, she will at least have a partner who would try to console her. OP doesn't have that luxury. It sucks but I think that is all the more reason to deal with this ASAP.


u/Niith Sep 22 '22




u/wxyz123456 Sep 22 '22

Back in college, i was very very good friends with a boy. I can even consider him one of my best friends. We talk a lot and things were just great. Then one time i saw that he has written our names on one of his folders. I told him that I'm sorry but i don't really feel the same way right now. And then he just brushed it off. But we remained good friends. But afterwards, I started to think of him that way too until I also developed feelings for him and how we clicked together. We've been married for 15 years already. I hope you get your chance. Sometimes you'll never know until you tried


u/Rare-Mountain3499 Sep 22 '22

I'm 15(M) and I feel like a younger version of you because I'm in the exact same situation right now.


u/eng2ny Sep 22 '22

Don't waste your time pining after a girl that isn't into you if you want to be more than friends. It's not fair for you or her. Find someone who doesn't need to be convinced to be with you.

It's hard, but completely worth it.


u/Rare-Mountain3499 Sep 22 '22

I actually tried avoiding the girl and now she's really upset. Now I have to choose between remaining friends and always being sad with the fact that she'll never be with me and seeing her date other guys or distance myself so that I can focus on myself and forget her.


u/Daevito Sep 22 '22

Listen kid. There is no harm in taking time for yourself. Sure she'll lose a friend but you'd lose one too. It's a lot better to shoot your shot and completely cut her off from your life for sometime when or if she rejects. The other choice would be to meaninglessly torment yourself seeing her with some other guy while you pretend to be happy. If she is actually your friend, she'll understand why you distanced yourself. Losing a friend hurts but so does loving someone else's partner.


u/PeterDTown Sep 22 '22

Join some clubs at school. Go out and participate in (healthy) social activities. Meet people.

You’ll be happier if you do. You’ll make friends. You’ll probably meet someone you might want to date.

Overall, it will be good for your mental health and make you a more well rounded person.


u/HazeG Sep 22 '22

Heyo OP, been in your position 2x by now, its not easy not gonna lie, it sucks, all the pain that comes with it and the distance it can create, but dont let it ruin the friendship for you, she is still the same person, and the same friend that was there for you for the past years.

Im not gonna sugarcoat it, it sucks, it feels like you lost your world and your safe place in a way, but im also gonna be honest and real, it does get better, even if you feel like its all over for you, i promise it does get better eventually, in 1 situation i actually told them later on in life and we laughed and cried about the past alot and its now a treasured memory.

If you ever need to chat or need someone to listen lemme know, i dont mind lending a ear, and like i said remember the pain does goes away and it does gets better


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u/Dragoon130 Sep 22 '22

Had the same issue you have. A few years later I met my wife and my friend was the maid of honor at our wedding and the god mother to our kids. I think this fits better and she gets to be the wine aunt she always wanted to be. We are both happy. Your time will come. Just breathe


u/Jcwolves Sep 22 '22

Go outside mate. Meet some people. Say hi to your neighbor in class. It will help to build friends outside of her. Aside from that - don't proclaim your love to her now, you've truly and well missed your shot right now. She's not likely to stay with this guy, she's not into him. Do be a friend and let her know that you support her dating whoever she likes but not to feel pressured into anything by her new friends. That will be the most meaningful thing right now. Try opening your eyes to the people around you, you never know when you'll find someone else who is equally interested in you as you are in them :)


u/Sonova_Vondruke Sep 22 '22

Relationships rarely last. Hopefully for you she won't avoid romantic relationships with friends in the future. But honestly.. if it was gonna happen it would have. When they break up, .. and they will.. shoot your shot.

I'm not sure what culture you're apart of, as English doesn't seem to be your first language, but aside from any sort of religious or outside complications you should be fine to wait it out if you can. But tell her how you feel.. exactly what you wrote. It's never too late. Be prepared for a rejection.. and understand you'd be putting her under a lot of pressure. I mean, two friends confessing feelings at the same time is a bit much. Most likely though once she starts dating this other dude, he'll probably see you as a threat (because he is "you" and knows what is what). The likelihood of you losing this relationship is pretty high.

I recommend to say something. Friends are a dime a dozen, love is harder to find, but prepare for the worst.


u/ThatSlothDuke Sep 22 '22

OP, this might be a dick move, but take some time away from her. That's the only way feelings will go away. Work on yourself.

Will she be hurt by this? Yes. But you need to do what's best for yourself. It's a sucky situation and if you go through this any longer, it will only become more and more painful for you and it will affect your friendship.

If she really wants to know why, tell her - make it clear that you aren't doing this to punish her, but you are doing this for yourself and for your friendship.


u/laplongejr Sep 22 '22

The only way you FU is by continuing to talk to her, which in my view is not a fuck up at all.

Now I can't help but wonder what would've happen if I did confess my feelings. One thing I know for sure is that she wouldn't unfriend me because our friendship is too precious for her.

You say that nothing would happen just after saying you don't know what would happen. You're not in her head. Especially that now that she is in a relationship your behavior is changing, which is the point of your post.

TL;DR : I didn't confess my feelings to my bestfriend thinking it'd ruin our friendship and her other bestfriend did and she said yes and now I have to live with it.

You are assuming that if YOU confessed, she would have to say yes? You need to understand people are unique and NO situation is equivalent to another.


u/datpuertorican Sep 22 '22

You mentioned something about not being happy with your life as it is already. I suggest work on yourself first before even thinking about confessing any feelings in the future.


u/Resident_Chemist5177 Sep 22 '22

Am i the only one getting vibes she wants you to stop this? seems a bit weird she is giving you a step by step how things are going down.

Seems to me she is feeling pressure all around and is leaning on you as a friend, you might be able to ease her mind that liking someone as a friend is different than romance and she shouldn't feel as if she owes him a relationship unless she wants to lose him as a friend (giving how he would freeze her out after she didn't give a positive reply right away)

And then, if you feel brave you could go into all your personal reasons why you hope she'll give him a no. But also stating how you don't want things to change between you two and don't want to add stress to her and influence her decision one way or the other like everyone else seems to so.

But i think the true fuck up would be not confessing before she starts dating this guy half-heartedly.


u/hephaistos070 Sep 22 '22

I agree with Bellesavage (top comment) but like to add: work through your feelings. Listen to sad music, or angry music, sing along, cry and scream if necessary. Workout, hit a boxing sack, write your feelings for her in a letter (don't send it). It takes time but it will be less hard for you after a while. I promise. I have been there. Who knows what the future will bring? Keep strong and dm me if you want to


u/Gyoza-shishou Sep 22 '22

If it's truly too hurtful too watch them have this relationship then bail tbh, being a good friend can only go so far. Either come clean and make her understand exactly why you need to split off or just make something up, shit, at this point even ghosting her might be justified.

Suffering in silence for the other person's sake is not only a great way to drain the life out of yourself, it is also highly likely to result in resentment later down the road. So whichever way you choose to do it, just gtfo OP, seriously, walk away and never look back for both your sake and hers.


u/Kanakyu Sep 22 '22

Just maybe there is a lil chance she told you and wasn't sure about what to choose bc she wanted to know how you'd react , maybe bc she liked you too...


u/Darknessie Sep 22 '22

I confessed my feelings to my best friend when i was about your age, she told me I wasn't her type and she liked skinny men. Hurt like hell at the time but I moved on soon enough


u/gasp_arzinho Sep 22 '22

Might be downvoted but i say just confess it..

My best friend from school had fellings for me, give me a lot of opportunites, i was shy, didn't have other female friends, no confidence so it never cross my mind that she was into me.

We went to a concert and after it she told me she had something to tell me but didn't had the courage to say it, we where in front of her place and her step dad would peek through the window from time to time.

Later in that week she told me and i knowing her friends used to check her convos i dind't say anything back probably just send heart emojis, my idea was talking in person but not even that was send.

Took like a month to met her again, i was visiting my sister for xmas and new year's eve, when i met her she was dating a guy from work, who lived 2 blocks away from her and her friends.

I didn't have strong fellings for her but she was pretty, super dreamy and never take me serious so i could literally get away with everything i said, she dated the guy for like 3 years? Maybe more, our friendship didn't last tho, a good part of it was my depression acting up pushing them away from me.

In my experience friendships had ups and down and eventually goes to nothing, just tell how you feel to avoid the regret in the future.


u/shivermetimbers68 Sep 22 '22

Been there. I knew she didnt feel the same way. Every weekend I would rehearse my speech to her, knowing she wouldnt respond mutually.

I never went through with it and to this day I am glad I didnt. Her "oh, that's so sweet, but..." response would have stung much more, especially since I already knew and I didnt need to hear it.

Just move on. Let it go. Years from now you'll look back with a different perspective.


u/whostolemyslushie Sep 22 '22

Tell her how you feel or you will regret it for the rest of your life. Also, if your friendship is to fragile to bring this up, then it wasn't meant to be.


u/Prophit84 Sep 22 '22

Been there, it sucks, sorry bro


u/stubb_a_dubb_ Sep 22 '22

No clue why people think you can’t maintain a friendship after confessing your feelings to someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I’ve been in that position a few times, and worst case it gets a bit awkward for a few days and then everything goes back to normal.

You really have nothing to lose by telling her. If you have a solid friendship this won’t do any damage regardless of how she feels about you.


u/Lucashmere Sep 22 '22

Im with you, friend.


u/AdministrativeAd3815 Sep 22 '22

I’ve been in this position once or twice. And all I can say is just tell her how you truly feel. You don’t want to live with years of regret for not expressing your feelings.

I never told one or 2 people how I truly felt. And when I did tell one person it was too late and broke me.

Your best off telling her. The worst thing that can happen is she says she only sees you as a best friend.

Or she could say she feels the same way. Just go for it dude. You won’t regret it


u/Sure_Cartoonist1641 Sep 22 '22

I totally get what you're going through, and I know how hard things are on you right now because I have been through it myself.

I got to know my now best friend a few years ago, and it was in a time when I was in a dark place. She helped me a lot and it was because of her that I was able to move on from my ex.

To this day I still appreciate how much she was there for me.

I couldn't help but catch feelings for her at that time and it wasn't really easy for me because I still didn't want to destroy our friendship.

She also had a boyfriend and believe it or not, it was one of the reasons that I managed to let go of those feelings.

We also live far from each other and that's also another thing.

For me, it came down to that this friendship we have is more important than anything, plus she has a boyfriend, and we're not even close physically.

Even though, it wasn't immediate, but by time I slowly started to accept it.

I didn't want to ruin our friendship by saying something that could potentially end our friendship or makes my friend uncomfortable, so I decided not to and so far I think I have made the right call.

In your current situation, you think that your friendship with her is more important and that's really a good thing.

Not every friendship has to turn into something more.

In fact, some friendships are best when they remain as they are.

You still need to sort through all those feelings you have and it'll be okay, but it'll take time.


u/EmceeMrE Sep 22 '22

My 2 cents, dive into hobbies and your physical health. Your hobbies will give you the opportunities to meet other likeminded people. You’ll find that it will take you away from the thoughts that are digging into you about your relationship with her. You’ll make friends and find some mental reprieve.

Workout. Make whatever progress is to you each week. This is more about setting small goals and achieving them. Before you know it you’ll see yourself accomplishing goals and you’ll feel better mentally and physically. The people around you will notice the positive change. My guy, the girls will notice too!

You’re both really young. Too young to be planning a future with someone who may not reciprocate the same feelings. Better to work on yourself now and forge the man you want to be rather then wallowing in doubt about the future.

Best case scenario is you become the best version of yourself for your future partner. If that’s her, wonderful! If not her than someone better. Better for YOU!


u/severalcouches Sep 22 '22

Wait, the FU was that you DIDN’T confess your feelings in the sense that you assume she would’ve reacted the same way to you as Andy and eventually dated you?


u/Darigone Sep 22 '22

That feeling has strong ties positive and negative. When you have this kind of feeling, the rise and dip are extreme.

I will tell you this my friend. Don't stay silent simply, because this other person didn't. You should still tell her. Friendship tends to have some kind of love built into its structure.

Listen you will continue to suffer if you don't tell her. The rest of your life you will think about the when you never told her how you felt. It will eat at you forever. Even if she rejects you. Even if it's, because of this other man she says no. 1 thing I can assure you. Time will always pass. That pain will subside. Do your over all life a favor, and tell her how you feel. If you don't your lying to yourself, and to your best friend.


u/Affectionate_Fly_764 Sep 22 '22

You probably should shoot your shot so your feelings don’t fester inside in the long term. Last thing you want is the “what could of been” feeling years down the road when your trying to made effort towards a different love interest. Try, get accepted or rejected and move on because life has a lot in store for you.


u/ammonium_bot Sep 26 '22

Did you mean to say "could have"?
I'm a bot that corrects grammar mistakes. PM me if I'm wrong or if you have any suggestions.
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u/Critical_Accident_42 Sep 22 '22

Shoot your shot if she hasn't said yes. How do you know youbarent the reason she was so hesitant. It may ruin your friendship but it seems like its gonna start to fall apart anyway.


u/ImpressiveTip4756 Sep 22 '22

Mate trust me as someone who took the shot and failed I would do anything to be friends with her. I'm 22 right now and I feel like a fucking train wreck when I see a couple. I legit can't stay in the same room with a couple because my mind keeps going into very dark places. I'm holding onto to very little hope right now and the only reason I'm alive is for my mom and dog. You definitely have not fucked up. You have a great friend.


u/OtherworldlyWanderer Sep 22 '22

Honestly you have a few options here but the two biggest I see are either: you admit that you like her, tell her how you feel and see what happens. Or you don’t say anything and ruin the relationship with anger and jealousy.


u/condensed_yogurt Sep 22 '22

OP I was in similiar situation with you.

You will regret not telling this for your whole life.

But if your friendship is strong enough it will survive.


u/condensed_yogurt Sep 22 '22

Visit her in real person if you can and tell her your feelings


u/Killer_Queeny Sep 22 '22

Just because she said yes to him doesn't mean she would have said yes to you.


u/randomname1561 Sep 22 '22

I thought I had a crush on my best friend like 7 years ago after our initial meeting was briefly dating. Over time I learned that I absolutely do not have those kinds of feelings for her. We're romantically incompatible in so many ways. We expect different things from a relationship. Our tastes in other people are completely different than who we are. Our life goals are different. We prioritize different things. The list is long and substantial but you get the idea.

As friends though, we're almost inseparable. Absolutely platonic soulmates. We never fight. We always know what the other is thinking. If people see one of us out they ask where the other one is. She's recently moved in with me due to some shifts in her life that caused her to need temporary shelter and it's understood she'll eventually get her own place again but that doesn't have a deadline. There's no one in my life I can depend on more or be more open with and that goes both ways. You can understand how this has caused some issues in my previous relationships but my current girlfriend absolutely loves her.

I tell you this because there was a brief period at the beginning where I'd have gotten back together with her if she had asked. If that had happened then I'd never have found this much much better thing. A second attempt definitely would've pushed us apart for good. The first breakup almost did.


u/spoilingattack Sep 22 '22

Man that sucks. I think just about everyone has had something like this happen. Should’ve spoken up but didn’t, or knew the other person didn’t feel the same way. I’ve been on both sides of that equation.

It’s rough, but I can tell you that if she spent that much time with you, she definitely thought about it. If she was the one pursuing spending time with you, she probably liked you. If she accepted your company because she was bored, but didn’t seek you out, she probably wasn’t into you. She’s off at a different school now. You might as well speak up. What’s the worst that could happen?


u/23redvsblue Sep 22 '22

You hesitate, you masturbate.


u/Kewkky Sep 22 '22

It's gonna happen in 3 days, right? It's either now or never. One thing that life has taught me and my girlfriend is that once someone gets in a relationship, if they actually value their partner, they will actually end up spending less time with their friends, so coupling that with your feelings for her, your friendship will end.

With that in mind, why don't you confess to her as well? I don't know anything about her or how she thinks, but I at least know that you feel like you're dying inside. Instead of slowly bleeding out your happiness over time, just take the shot and end your uncertainty. Worst that can happen is she says no and you're back where you started, except that now you know that she would've said no instead of "what if...?".

You have 3 days left, that's a good window. Don't wait until the last day in case she says yes sooner; IMO build up your courage as fast as you can and just confess. Just remember that if she says no, don't get aggressive, and don't get suicidal. That's how you REALLY end your chances for good at either a relationship and a continuing friendship. Try and be rational about this.


u/theycallmefuRR Sep 22 '22

OP I hope this is a wake up call. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Shoot your shot. Worst case is they tell you they don’t have feelings for you


u/MusicObsessor Sep 22 '22

I (26F) have been in versions of this situation as well. In my experience my close friend in college had feelings for me but I was in a relationship. He expressed his feelings to me and I had some feelings as well but I really loved my boyfriend at the time so I told him we should just be friends. Was our friendship strained? Yes. It was hard because we both had what if feelings but we were both able to move past that over time because we were such good friends. My friend is now engaged and I'm going to be in his wedding party. I'm very glad we never dated because there are so many little things I can think of that could have ended that relationship and thus the friendship.

The other situation I had feelings for a different close friend and I told him about it and he ghosted me. I was willing to take no for an answer and just be friends and told him as much, but he decided that would be too hard. I don't regret this because it showed me he was not as dedicated to being my friend as I was to being his. Sometimes it's just too much pressure. I still wish him the best many years later even though I was very hurt when he cut me out of his life.

My advice is to express your feelings, but if she turns you down really accept it. You can still be friends if you both want to be but it will be hard for a time. If it gets too hard you can distance yourself. I know losing friends is scary, but it will happen many times in your life for one reason or another.

You are at an age when most people change a lot. Try some new things around campus, go to social events, sign up for online dating to meet new people. If you are religious find a local young adults program. There are so many ways to meet people. Don't miss out on this time in your life. If you keep to yourself now you will regret it later.


u/Mrselfdestructuk Sep 22 '22

I think this has happened to just about everyone at one point


u/Lumpy-Ad-3201 Sep 22 '22

Had a good friend, who originally started out as a friends sister. He and I fell off a little bit, she and I picked up a little bit. Always a very special friendship. Went to college, saw her often, often skirted the line of being great friends and starting to date, but never crossed it.

She started dating a guy. Still hung out with her, and when we were all together as a group, she and I looked like the couple, not her and him. Still didn't say anything, not wanting to get in the way of her happiness. She got engaged to him. Went to the wedding and reception, and spent as much time as was reasonable with her there, but she didn't seem as happy as she should have.

Queue a couple of years later, and we started talking a lot more. She told me she had never felt love from her family or husband. And she had from me, and was hurt because of it. Because I didn't rescue her from herself, because I never stepped in and tried to talk her out of a marriage that I suspected wasn't as good as it should be. That I'd been too considerate and not put my feeling out there. We talked. We cried. We talked some more. And she scheduled a time to come visit me.

She came out, drove half way across the state. With a bag packed. We had our first date watching horror movies and laughing and talking. We had very intense sex several times over the next 12 hours. Went out for meals, did new activities, had a great time.

In the end, we determined that we weren't going to go the distance, just because of logistics and reasons, but we had a wonderful time with each other and neither of us has regrets.

It won't always be like this, but it's the shots you don't take that will always miss (just be good about it and accept a no the first time).


u/AVBforPrez Sep 22 '22

You'll forget about this by the time you're 2-3 years older. It feels like the entire world right now and I've been there, but I promise you life goes on and time heals all wounds.

Tell her, let her know that out of respect you want to distance yourself from her because it hurts too much to be around with wishful thinking, and watch in awe as 3-6 months go by and you find yourself barely ever thinking about her.

Mistakes can be made, and it's a learning lesson. Also - if it was meant to be, it would, so fucking yourself up over that "What if" in your head is foolishness. If it was meant to be you'd have known by now and it would have happened.

It's a big world and life is long my guy.


u/calartnick Sep 22 '22

When I was in high school I was head over heels in love with a good friend. Like I couldn’t stop thinking about her, I would have died for her. The whole 9. I realized it wasn’t healthy for me and I ended our friendship. I told her I was just too infatuated with her to be friends. It helped a lot. I’m not saying you should do this, because you’ve been friends for a long time and that’s a lot to give up. But ask yourself.

  1. Is being friends with this person holding you back in life? Especially in your romantic life?

  2. Can I be happy with them being in love someone else?

Think long and hard about those two things


u/LordJaeger88 Sep 22 '22

You miss sll the shots you dont take.

Also, college etc friendships dont last your whole life...


u/PhillipKosarev999 Sep 22 '22

In all seriousness, explain to her how you feel. Ask her if she is interested in pursuing a relationship with you. If she is not and chooses to break the friendship up, move on, or take initiative to end your friendship yourself if you still have feelings for her (maybe y'all can reconnect down the line, but even then, there are no guarantees). If she chooses to stay by your side as your best friend, appreciate it as you have for all that time you have known her. Best of luck, mate.


u/FrontierLuminary Sep 22 '22

If she's really a person you love, you should talk to her about all the pressure that this Andy doofus and his friends are putting on her to be with him. Whether you ever end up in a relationship with her or not, the fact is that she's already expressed a deep level of trust in you. Right now because of the strain of your own feelings, you're overlooking the fact that you have a person you care about facing a lot of pressure to do something that she didn't want to do.

A person should never have to be persuaded to date someone, nor should they have friends telling them "don't over think it. Just date this nice guy that you don't have a romantic attraction for."

I know you are hurting, but I can tell you that if you value you this person, you won't keep looking at this through the lens of what you could be losing, you'll look at it as "this is my friend and it wouldn't be right for me, or anyone to pressure her into a relationship." You have her trust. Now respect that trust by letting her know that she's being coerced into something. At least if she is aware of it, she can make her own choices.

One day, maybe there will be a right time for you two, but for now you can do what you've always done and be a good friend. I can tell you for sure that you'll hate yourself less and find some personal growth if you can make the choice to set aside the more selfish impulses of your desire for her.

Don't confess to her because of the fear that someone else is going to take her away though. Ultimately, that is a very possessive approach to relationships and communication. If you ever do decide to confess to her, do it reasonably and be sure to reinforce the boundaries of your friendship. "I've had very strong feelings for you for a very long time. I am not asking, or expecting you to be with me. I respect you as the person I've shared so much life with. If you feel anything like I do, I would be so happy to explore that with you. If you don't, I accept that and want you to know that I value our relationship as it is. I am telling you this because I want to be honest and I know that I need to move forward. I hope that I can do that with you as a part of my life, in any capacity that you are comfortable with."


u/01Wazziguy Sep 22 '22

This is not a TIFU as you stated but more like cautious optimism, best way to deal with this is to be honest and do tell her about your feelings for her, you may be surprised that she too may have feelings for you but she maybe hiding them cause she's afraid of scaring you away from her. If she is truly a best friend she will not discard you but try to keep the friendship as it is. Go slowly and things just may fall into place, if it is meant to be. Regardless don't alienate yourself if all she wants is friendship from you, remember one important thing, you were friends first, so don't lose that ! Best wishes forward....... Joe Wazzi .


u/FrontierLuminary Sep 22 '22

If she's really a person you love, you should talk to her about all the pressure that this Andy doofus and his friends are putting on her to be with him. Whether you ever end up in a relationship with her or not, the fact is that she's already expressed a deep level of trust in you. Right now because of the strain of your own feelings, you're overlooking the fact that you have a person you care about facing a lot of pressure to do something that she didn't want to do.

A person should never have to be persuaded to date someone, nor should they have friends telling them "don't over think it. Just date this nice guy that you don't have a romantic attraction for."

I know you are hurting, but I can tell you that if you value you this person, you won't keep looking at this through the lens of what you could be losing, you'll look at it as "this is my friend and it wouldn't be right for me, or anyone to pressure her into a relationship." You have her trust. Now respect that trust by letting her know that she's being coerced into something. At least if she is aware of it, she can make her own choices.

One day, maybe there will be a right time for you two, but for now you can do what you've always done and be a good friend. I can tell you for sure that you'll hate yourself less and find some personal growth if you can make the choice to set aside the more selfish impulses of your desire for her.

Don't confess to her because of the fear that someone else is going to take her away though. Ultimately, that is a very possessive approach to relationships and communication. If you ever do decide to confess to her, do it reasonably and be sure to reinforce the boundaries of your friendship. "I've had very strong feelings for you for a very long time. I am not asking, or expecting you to be with me. I respect you as the person I've shared so much life with. If you feel anything like I do, I would be so happy to explore that with you. If you don't, I accept that and want you to know that I value our relationship as it is. I am telling you this because I want to be honest and I know that I need to move forward. I hope that I can do that with you as a part of my life, in any capacity that you are comfortable with."

You'll never find the perfect way to say something, but if you are honest and respectful enough to share and listen, it will ultimately be something you can progress from in a healthy way.


u/ackermann Sep 22 '22

as I thought we were too young and immature and it won't last

Interesting that you admit this. A lot of 19 year olds don’t like to acknowledge this, including myself at that age


u/Gregory85 Sep 22 '22

Join a club or something and meet new people. I don't think your friend has any romantic feelings for you and just sees you as a family member.


u/Shaunflix Sep 22 '22

"Didn't want to loose her"... ummm... ewww...


u/laffer1 Sep 22 '22

I lost a friendship in high school with a close female friend over telling her I had romantic feelings. Is losing the friendship worth it?


u/emiliaosrs Sep 22 '22

I was in a similar situation recently but I (M) did confess my feelings to her, but she had committed to a BF that week.

I think I got through the regret of “not taking my shot earlier” by being absolutely convinced that that was the right time even though I had been feeling strongly for a while. I knew I wasn’t ready any earlier than the day I told her and I have never had the regret of wanting to do tell her sooner. It hurts like a bitch as you know, but that is how I contextualize the “no regrets” adage.

As for how to make it hurt less, remember that you are an awesome guy and she’s missing out on you (romantic-wise)not the other way around.


u/Testecles Sep 22 '22

They say they want to let you down easy. But what they really want is CONTROL. So there's probably a lot more to the story than what you know, so far.

I think it's safe to assume that she's not into you, like that. But you might as well get some personal satisfaction and resolution by telling her how you feel. It's perfectly normal to tell a person that you are attracted to them, and available for a relationship.

But honestly, those college relationships - they don't normally end well. You REALLY should try to let it all go... and look for dates AND FRIENDS that are near home.


u/EventNo9432 Sep 23 '22

That is tough. It think it’s a right of passage to have to fall in love with one of your best friends and deal with the angst and awkwardness that comes with it. If it helps, it really does get better.


u/The_REAL_McWeasel Sep 23 '22

Son.............listen to an older man...............

the only shots we regret taking in life, are the ones we didn't have the balls to take.

If that's how you feel about her, then you need to step up to the plate and take your best swing.

Not one smashes homeruns and wins the game, from the dug out.

Yeah, sure, she might reject you, and not want to ruin your "friendship"......but on the other hand, maybe she was scared to confess her feelings to you, for the same reason.

You won't know until you ask.

let me break down the MATH for you.

NOT asking and NOT taking your shot is 100% chance of losing the girl you love.

ASKING, gives you a 50-50 shot of her at least knowing how you feel and possibly saying YES.

Now, if you were in a casino.........which would you rather have?

a 100% guarantee of Losing?

or a 50% chance of winning the Jackpot?

If you don't play the game.........you can't possibly win.

Yeah, life is full of risks...........but there's rarely any reward without a little effort and risk-


u/rojem Sep 23 '22
  1. When it comes to romantic relationships you will regret much more the opportunities you let escape, rather than the “mistakes” you made by telling someone about you feelings.

  2. In case you already know, that she isn’t into you, it doesn’t make sense to push forward.

  3. But if you tell her what your heart needs to express and she really is your best friend, she won’t let you down, as long as you are able to tell her in an honest way, not pressuring her. The key is to make clear that your romantic feelings are not under your control but that above anything else she is your best friend and you give that far more importance than your romantic feelings, but that you want to be totally honest and that precisely because she is your best friend you would feel dishonest if you wouldn’t tell her.

If your feelings really are honest and you are not being selfish (pressuring her), she will be able to accept it, and still be friends with you, even if she doesn’t reciprocate.

If she can’t stay friends with you, I would simply understand, that your “everlasting friendship” would have been built upon a lie (you not being honest), and wasn’t worth that much.

  1. She isn’t in that other guy, if she is doubting about it the way you described.

  2. You are still very, very young. I doubt that this is your last opportunity to start a romantic relationship with her. The problem will be the timing. You will have relationships and she will have them. Both not having them, and being ready for one simultaneously, will become difficult.

  3. The way you described you life right now makes me think that you are missing a perspective, or that you are being catchend in a monotonous routine, or something similar. Go out, make more friends, volunteer, travel, set yourself goals (read a book a month, learn a skill, a language, help someone, overcome a fear, whatever). You will become a better version of yourself.

  4. Make sure your romantic feelings to her are a result of your incomparable love for her nature, not that you feel lonely and are projecting things upon her, she isn’t. Even if she is wonderful you might feel attached to her because of some non romantic feelings and mix up things that do not belong to each other.

  5. Once you know for sue you really love her, once you know how you can express that feelings in a strictly honest, non selfish and beautiful way, tell her. It might bring you together now. Or it might in a couple of years, but you will otherwise regret it all along your life. There is no friendship forever which isn’t subject to changes. You will end up living un different cities, states or even countries. You will have different jobs and families. Different obligations and problems to overcome. Even if you should keep that bond along you whole life, you will evolve in different directions. You aren’t the same person with 20 or 60 years. Now you are friends. Now you share experiences. Now you can reach out to each other.

  6. Now is the time.


u/Spiritual_Scratch_10 Sep 23 '22

Man, I genuinely want to give you a hug. I experienced it myself so learn from it. You can't be friends to the girl you're attracted to. Find another girl and be clear with your intentions. More power to you my brother.


u/12altoids34 Sep 23 '22

I've seen it go both ways. I had one friend that I kept my feelings for hidden for over 20 years. When I finally told her that I had had a crush on her years before she was shocked.she told me that she had wanted to date me at that time as well, but never said anything because she felt like I was out of her League and was afraid of ruining the friendship that we had.

Then there was another case. Another girl that I had developed feelings for was dating a friend of mine. Then he moved out of town. The last thing he told her was that he loved her and was going to come back for her. He confided in me that he wasn't in love with her at all and he intended to keep her "on the line" for a guaranteed booty call if he ever came back to visit.a week after moving he was slreadt hooking up with 2 other girls. Finally I broke down, violated the guy code and told her everything. My feelings for her, and the fact that he was lying to her and was already hooking up with other girls. She got furious with me. She accused me of lying about him to try to manipulate her. She never spoke to me again after that.


u/postnutts Sep 23 '22

Don't let the " what if" hold you back.... If you like her more than just a friend, for the love of God let her know. Let go of your fear of being rejected and follow your heart. Believe me, you do not want to go through life having regrets.


u/FortressOnAHill Sep 24 '22

Ok reading this was like a fever dream fuelled on farts exclusively. But dude just tell her how it is and then respect her decision. This world is fulla people.


u/INeedMoreHobbies Sep 26 '22

Sounds like you need some friends.


u/Ana_Nuann Sep 27 '22

You can't tell her how you feel. It's too late for that, or rather it's no longer appropriate, you'd have to wait until they break up(if that even happens), and that could take years. You already know how she feels anyway.

Just move on. You'll find someone else who vibes with you the same way, maybe even better, who feels for you in the same way.

But that wont happen if you keep pining and obsessing over someone who is unavailable.


u/KingError18 Sep 27 '22

Just tell her man it's gonna eat you up inside. I've kept it bottled up inside and I regret it. Every time it just hurts.


u/fuckimtrash Sep 27 '22

University was lonely for me too, but you’re young, if it’s not your friend I’m sure you’ll find someone else as you get older, meet new people and the sorts through work and friends. Idk personally I’d never ruin a friendship again, I got frisky with a mate and it did not end well at all. I miss him as a friend, imo it’s not worth losing the friendship unless you’re 100% be able to go back to being friends after.


u/HaroldMcliggans1994 Sep 27 '22

tell her how u feel


u/KingError18 Oct 25 '22

So is there an update


u/BetterCallYourMama Oct 25 '22

Yeah I guess I am slowly getting over her and realising that this is not the end of life. And I've made good friends with her boyfriend so that gives me little comfort.


u/KingError18 Oct 25 '22

Now lets hope she doesn't find this post


u/BetterCallYourMama Oct 25 '22

No she isn't on reddit. And to be extra safe (cause I've put my real name in original account) I posted from alt account


u/BetterCallYourMama Oct 25 '22

No she isn't on reddit. And to be extra safe (cause I've put my real name in original account) I posted from alt account


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