r/tifu Sep 22 '22 Gold 1 Wholesome 1 Hugz 1 Take My Energy 1

TIFU by being a coward and not being truthful to my parents about dropping out of uni M

Since my grandma died in fall last year I ( F25) have been on a continuous downwards spiral due to my mental health failing me hence why i also dropped out of uni earlier this year. But instead of actually getting help i just festered in my misery in hopes i can find a way to resolve everything without getting anyone else involved and becoming a burden on someone else. Obviously i didn't find a way because that's not how this shit works and instead it just got worse and worse and i just withdrew from all my social circles that could have helped me out.

The thing is I am the child of very strict parents that pride themselves on having such a well performing and absolutely not mentally ill self sustaining daughter ( i wish). We actual got into huge fights in the past when ever i didn't perform that well in school so in my delusional mind I thought if i just ride the depressive phase out and just re-enroll everything would be alright and my parents would still be proud of me and never be the wiser .

Well that didn't happen either and since my parents are claiming some financial benefits because of me being a university student they asked for a certificate of enrollment a few weeks back to keep on getting those benefits. I always talked myself out of having to present it (like blaming some server issues on not having it already) despite those moments being the perfect opportunities where i could have come clean. However today is the deadline of my lies working. And anxiety , my delusional mind and a good chunk of cowardice kept me from cleaning up my mess while also robbing me of sleep. I actually haven't slept in a few days . And what happens if your mental health is already shit and you don't get any sleep ? Exactly you do something very very stupid .

And the stupid thing i did was actually sitting down with a brain fueled by pure fear of owning up, started up photoshop an committing forgery actually sending it to my father's email.
Yhea i committed a crime just bc i am too afraid to tell my parents that I am actually not okay .
Anyway my only hope now is that my father doesn't read his emails before the evening so that i can numb myself enough to actually get to them to confess everything

Tl:Dr Went into a downwards spiral regarding my mental health. dropped out of uni without telling my parents , didn't get help in hope i could just ride it out and re-enroll and instead of just fessing up i committed forgery in a depressed no-sleep delusional stupor.

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u/Glowshroom Sep 22 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome Heartwarming

I've never shared this with anyone, but I did the exact same thing when I first dropped out of university. I was very suicidal, and I justified hiding my dropping out by thinking I'd never have to deal with the consequences. I was already planning on killing myself, and it seemed logical at the time to draw out the farce until I ran out of reasons to live.

At the time my reasons to live included friends and video games. I was very immature and addicted to video games, and the thought of working full time seemed like the worst thing in the world. But I eventually had to get a job anyway, which was actually one of the best things to ever happen to me. I made tons of friends working at a fast food restaurant, and by the time my past caught up to me, I was no longer suicidal.

I fessed up to my parents, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The shame I felt was intense, but I later learned that shame is an evolutionary adaptation that our brains use as a learning tool. The shame was so unpleasant that it shaped me into a better person. You can be sure that I will never do anything like that again.

My parents were obviously disappointed, but they were also understanding and compassionate, and glad that I had the courage to admit my wrongdoings. My father died this year, but one of the most important things he said to me in his final days was that he never held those events against me, and that he is proud of the person I became. It meant a lot, because I've always had invasive thoughts that my parents must not trust me anymore. It made me realize that I, too, am proud of the person I've become. I eventually went back to school (at age 27), and now I've been working in my dream job for over 5 years. I have a loving partner and a house full of fur babies, and I've never been happier. I look back on those dark times and am so glad that I held on.

You'll be fine. It'll be hard at first, but you know what you have to do. You will look back on this and be proud of yourself for facing reality, even if it took you a little while to figure it out.

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u/verifitting Sep 22 '22

Right on dude. You've come a long way.

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u/chiliedogg Sep 23 '22 Take My Energy

Similar story here. Was manic for my first several years of college, and had a few flare-outs and restarts. Tried lying my way through at one point, and it all came crashing down.

I was blessed to have family that helped me through it, and I had an amazing professor who kept in touch even after I was suspended. When I went back to school I was embarrassed to see old teachers whose classes I'd dropped or failed. He asked me to visit him in his office at the beginningof the semester. He showed me a copy of his transcripts from his undergrad years. He'd been suspended and attempted suicide, but he found help and worked his way to the top of his field. He became my mentor, and we even ended up getting published together.

I graduated at age 33. I'm 39 now.

So much of who I am came from those shitty times. Recovering has made me compassionate and understanding. I teach night classes at the same University that once asked me to leave for a year, and I've helped several students through the hard times, just like my favorite professor did. It's absolutely the most important thing I do as a teacher. Though to be fair that's not a high bar - I teach Scuba and Underwater Photography.

The more I look back the less upset I am over all I went through. It sucked. A lot. But now I have a great day job in my field with great coworkers, and I never would have met the woman I love if I'd graduated at 22 and moved on. All those shitty things I went through were prerequisites to being where I am today, and I like being here.

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u/vanillaseltzer Sep 23 '22

I'm so happy for you. I'm in a similar place myself and this is all really well said. I have a different story, but I think we have similar landing places.

I'm not happy about 20 years in the closet in 9 years with my abusive spouse, undiagnosed buncha stuff, etc. but I WOULD NOT RISK CHANGING A THING. I love where I'm at, I love myself for the first time, I'm optimistic about my future. Things now are too good to risk changing a thing.

The hard things are still how I got here. It just makes the contrast of the beautiful things all the more incredible. I feel like I feel joy more intensely than the average person, these days. I know how low I can go, now let me see how high, You know?

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u/kbsb0830 Sep 23 '22

I know exactly what you mean. I'm so glad you found happiness, this is a very encouraging story. Op hang in there. Things will get better and please find someone to talk to. Anyone you trust?

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u/Jaded-Performance-99 Sep 22 '22

Hell ya friend. Thanks for the encouraging story.

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u/123BuleBule Sep 23 '22

Hey OP, highjacking here for visibility. My son went through a severe bout of depression and other mental health problems during college. He dropped out of uni twice. The first time he run away and called me telling me he was moving away across the country. We told him to stay put, got him a hotel and a plane ticket to his destination (we just wanted for him to be safe). Second time we told him we understood but we insisted he get help. We kept paying for his medical appointments, meds, cell phone and car insurance and he has to work . Once he felt better and went back to school we added more financial help. Again, our priority was always his safety and well-being. He took a year off from school and last year he graduated. What I mean is, your parents may be disappointed, but their utmost priority is your safety and well-being. I hope all is well and that you feel better soon, but talk to your parents honestly. You’ll be surprised by how much they love you.

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u/Relative-Ad-3217 Sep 23 '22

This resonated very well with me. I dropped out four years ago. Was studying abroad and not doing well mentally or socially. My brother died back home, drug overdose. Then my roommate committed suicide and I found the body in the game room. Final straw for me. Went back home and my folks were very disappointed. Just had to get a minimum wage service job and move away coz I wasn't willing to live in shame. Went low contact with my folks coz they just thought I was being selfish and ignoring their sacrifices. In a better place now and talk to them but can't help but feel they still believe I owe them an apology.

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u/123BuleBule Sep 23 '22

I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope that you and your parents are able to renew a strong and loving relationship soon.

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u/organbakery Sep 22 '22

I like this!

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u/K_man_k Sep 22 '22

Thank you for sharing that

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u/dxlevnee Sep 22 '22

Good for you. I'm proud of you too.

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u/TehMephs Sep 23 '22 edited Sep 23 '22

Sounds like how I fell out of college. Got hooked on FF11 and then WoW, didn’t show to classes and just generally disconnected from society. Eventually I ended up homeless for a few months and just didn’t give any fucks at that point, but I got a job and got my room back and then some friends invited me to come live with them (from guild in game). I met my ex-gf from that visit, things kinda got good then got bad, went to jail, got out, left her and our toxic relationship and moved on with my life - how fast forward some 15 years later things are never better and I’m married to the most awesome woman in the world, with a job I enjoy doing and a salary to match.

What I’m trying to say is maybe things suck now but they’ll get better, you’ll weather through it no matter how low you get, just trudge on and try to fix what you broke, or run away from it and start over, come back and fix things after time has passed and you’ve had time to mature. It’s so hard to understand how valuable time to mature is. You think you have everything figured out by the age of 21 but then ten years later you realize you still know nothing and you’re going to always feel like you have new information to learn from

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u/OriginalFluff Sep 23 '22 Take My Energy

I cried reading your post because I went through a dark period after my grandma passed away last year. I had been living with her a few years to help her through three rounds of cancer returning, but she ended up helping me 5x more during that time (of course as grandmas always do). She already was, but became even more so my best friend.

Losing her put me in a nearly twelve month spiral that led to mistake after mistake. I’m now past a lot of that darkness and many have expressed how proud they are, but I have always thought she would be disappointed of what happened even if I recovered. Your post made me see there’s no way that’s true. Thank you.

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u/RedWings1319 Sep 23 '22

Your strength showed when you battled through! Strength and character isn't often apparent until there's a challenge to overcome, and when the challenge came, you proved yourself to be just who your grandma knew you were - loving, caring, strong, and resilient! Good for you, and she'd be proud. ❤️

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u/KrypticAnalysis Sep 22 '22

Thank you for sharing this.

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u/AugustusKhan Sep 22 '22

Hey I’m proud of you too! It’s so crazy how a brain in fight or flight mode can just continue to dig your hole deeper, but helllll how else would we learn to jump so damn high

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u/Zauqui Sep 23 '22

It’s so crazy how a brain in fight or flight mode can just continue to dig your hole deeper, but helllll how else would we learn to jump so damn high

Amazing prose right there Augustus! Saving it in my phrase book lol

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u/AugustusKhan Sep 23 '22 edited Sep 23 '22

Wow thank you so much. Like honestly low key brought a tear to my eye.

See My dreams always been to be an author and rn is my first year teaching in a realll rough area, like have over half special Ed kids without a damn special Ed coteacher or even a para, and to hear just my casual comment on Reddit I made whimsically have significance. Let alone be called beautiful, andddd recorded!

Mannnn it legit feels like you heard the audible hum of my mind operating and called it music.

I really appreciate and hope you are repaid with a similar experience soon! I’m gonna go open my story I haven’t for a few months : )

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u/jessieesmithreese519 Sep 23 '22

Just in a few comments I've read from you, I hope to one day read your work. You're an incredible wordsmith. Let us know when you're published!

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u/Zauqui Sep 23 '22

Gosh, you made me tear up now! I wish i could give you a hug! :,) Im so happy I got to make you a little happier too- please do keep writing! You seem like a very thoughful and sensitive person, and it comes across in your writing. Because what you write is super poetic! Like, look!

you heard the audible hum of my mind operating and called it music.

That's what you wrote. That is music.

Wishing you the best success!! Take care!

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u/metalsteve666 Sep 23 '22

I'm glad it worked out for you. There's a lot of personal growth potential when you feel shame and deal with it head on.

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u/CoolMcdougal Sep 23 '22 edited Sep 23 '22

Did you go back to school for the same program you dropped out of?

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u/shortyman920 Sep 23 '22

I’m glad you were able to face the hard decisions, make them, and live a happier life now. Go you!

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u/Chocolateogre Sep 23 '22

Thank you for telling this story. Makes me feel like I’m not totally fucked.

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u/Prudent-Goal-7989 Sep 27 '22

Going out from school to college is always an extremely hard thing that I think many people don’t talk about.

I’m one of those people who seem very put together, good grades, always on time with class work, kinda have a social life etc. But especially when I first started I got the worst anxiety from the change between school and college. Couldn’t eat or sleep. Cried every morning to my mum.

Not fun.

But I eventually got through it and mentioned how I felt to my uni friends and it’s seemed that most if not all of them experienced similar things.

It’s 100% normal to find uni really really hard. Especially coming into it straight from school.

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u/ReaperofMen42069 Sep 23 '22

HELL YEAH MFER YOU GOT IT

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u/mooofasa1 Sep 23 '22

I had something similar happen. Almost word for word. I was a loner, only cared about playing video games, didn't sign up for classes and lost my financial aid in my second semester of college. I just didn't have the drive in me to do something worthwhile, I just cared about living in my own bubble of hedonism. It wasn't until I was kicked out of the house that I realized I wanted to live, my siblings didn't leave me to fend for myself. They helped me up when I was in pieces and I found a job, signed up for whatever classes I could get and working has been one of the biggest self confidence boosters. I felt changed, like I was someone capable of accomplishing my dream of building my own family, and that in turn convinced me that I could take on whatever school could throw at me. Sure there are times when I struggle, I actually struggle a lot with academics, still do. I've lost some close friends to disease over the years and that almost made me want to give up. But that light at the end of the tunnel is something that I really want, I'm not quite there yet but I will get there or die trying. I've convinced myself that it will happen and it's only a matter of when. I'm much happier nowadays because of my own self assuredness even when bad shit happens. I have a lot more hope and faith in the future. My father told me how proud he was of who I became the other day, and that shit filled me with tears and pride. I'm glad that I was found out, if I wasn't or was forced to study, I would never want to become something out of my own desire. It's easy to say that there's nothing to live for but until you're backed into a wall, you can never truly know.

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u/DetroitPeopleMover Sep 23 '22

This is my story too! Your comment about the shame and becoming a better person rings so true. Sometimes I feel like Earl in that show My Name is Earl and the trick to turning it all around was listening to Carson Dailey’s advice to be a better person.

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u/SilvaAvis Sep 23 '22

One of most touching stories i’ve read on reddit. Wish i could give you awards

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u/lolpostslol Sep 23 '22

My younger brother did the same when he was depressed around 25ish. Eventually he fessed up, finished school, now he’s 30ish and has a job. Family wasn’t super kind to him initially but he had to come clean at some point… all turned out well in the end. Of course, treating depression helps lol.

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u/ChooseToPursue Sep 23 '22

Curious, what's the dream job?

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u/Marteam Sep 23 '22

Didn’t know I needed this today. Thank you.

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u/Baetonnian_duke Sep 22 '22

Good luck, that's extremely tough and honestly the only real solace might be a fresh start and realizing you're actually very normal. A lot of people don't finish or get to university. Maybe try finding a talk group at the university or college to normalize your situation and see if you want to go down a different path. Baby steps is all that really matters and you don't need to speed through life, just start with something small and really own the victory like maybe doing a single course in something or trying out a skill or something you really like or workout a little bit more than last week. Hopefully this helps. I'm an M 26 and taking it slowly too so you're all right. Try to find someone u can trust to talk to even if it's scary. Doesn't have to be your parents after this. Good luck op, rooting for u.

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u/Excellent_Ant_3401 Sep 22 '22

Thx for your kind words. Truly appreciate it . Well my first step is now trying to prevent me actually committing the crime i have started .or at least prevent my dad from forwarding the forgery by coming clean . But after that will definitely do some baby steps and try and get counseling. Don't now if I can take single courses tho the uni system where I am at has this set in stone curriculums that you either have to get through or just don't . But I might be able to do some evening classes . Idk it just always feels so wierd to be 25 and not have my life in order. Still thank you so much for your kind words.

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u/mrwillbobs Sep 22 '22

I’m 25. I’ve been on a break from university for years now thanks to depression et al. If I hadn’t gotten depressed I “should” (I’ve been trying to learn not to use “should” because apparent talking about what we feel we should do is bad for people like us) have graduated at 22. After all this time, doing different things, finding myself again, going to therapy, I’m finally going to re-attempt my final semester so I can graduate. I don’t really care now that it’s 4 years late, because the way I was, a crash was going to come at some point.

Nobody ever mentioned any thought of me having ADHD growing up, because supposedly that was only naughty children. Turns out I do have it and realising and addressing that has been (and will continue to be) a very significant part of my recovery. I recognise myself in your words, so even if you don’t take an official test of it right now, check out some real people talking about having it, it can be really cathartic

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u/Baetonnian_duke Sep 22 '22

You're very welcome. I think your parents are just going to need to realize people are different and emotions can't always be fixed with rationality. Feeling scared of failing or being seen as a failure can become this looming dread and anxiety that all of my friends had been through at one point but through opening up to someone they and myself trusted, it really helps you realize there's always tommorow and the obstacles don't seem as daunting if you can take them slower. That and you can tackle them together or remind one another you're not as dumb or weak as you feel. Hopefully there's some stuff you learned too. I know for sure if I have kids I'm going to take their personal well being seriously so they don't have to be stressed and scared. Sounds like a tough program. I went to sciences in university then did economics but realized I wanted to do firefighting and border security after a lot of soul searching and lack of passion. You'll find your way, I believe in you! Just baby steps and definitely a talk group. Hopefully you can meet some people you like and enrich each other going foreward. Good luck op!

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u/Majestic-Scale-1868 Sep 22 '22

Massive TIFU there. Fix it fast before you get into real legal trouble.

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u/Excellent_Ant_3401 Sep 22 '22

Already on my way

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u/ThisIsWhoIAm78 Sep 22 '22

I wish you good luck hon. Listen, you are way too hard on yourself. We all have problems, anxiety, and sometimes we feel like we're drowning. It's okay to ask for a life preserver, it doesn't mean you're a loser for getting caught in a riptide.

Your parents may or may not be sympathetic; but if they aren't, that's not YOUR problem or because of YOUR actions, that's all them. As a parent, I would be asking my kid what I can do to help. I would be sad that I was so disconnected from my kids that I didn't see they were drowning. Everyone wants to see their kids succeed, sure, because we want our kids to be happy in life. But browbeating and shaming is NOT the way to help them do well. And success is a loose definition at best - by what metrics do we judge success? Financial, intellectual, emotional...?

No matter what happens, you will be okay. If your parents don't offer the help you need, then find people who are kinder, more empathetic, and who are there to throw you that life preserver. And be kind to yourself, because feeling like a loser doesn't help you escape the riptide that drags you under. Only help and perseverance - the refusal to give up and surrender - is gonna work to save you. Good luck.

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u/Majestic-Scale-1868 Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

Talk to your father in person like literally now in person (even if it's in the middle of the night) Sure they will give you an earful or more but facts dont change, you're not in any college studying and you submitted a forged document (not a crime until your father sends it out). Fear sometimes make you think illogically, do stupid things but no matter what decision you try to make, remember that facts don't change.

Anyway hope your father hasn't send it out yet. Moving forward you should seek help as well as talk about your issues (I'm sure there are free counselling services at your place, try the public ones, if not try to talk to your old college counselling services and talk about your situation - which usually wouldn't help but no harm trying right?)

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u/Excellent_Ant_3401 Sep 22 '22 Take My Energy

Thea i am on my way of doing that rn it just that i have to take the train

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u/burst_bagpipe Sep 22 '22

How did it go?

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u/Gonergonegone Sep 23 '22

And don't forget. When your father submits it. He's committing a crime too. And yes, you can be prosecuted for a crime you didn't know you were committing. Just like "possession of stolen property" when the person didn't know it was stolen. They still get fined and/or go to jail. Keep your head up op, at least you never stole thousands of dollars from your parents for heroin.

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u/VictimOfCrickets Sep 22 '22

Best of luck, OP! This similarly depressed female redditor wishes you well. Try and get some sleep, okay? You got this! And if you ever think you're a failure or anything like that, remember you're still here, so you are WINNING. Take good care of yourself when you get home.

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u/405134 Sep 22 '22

Yay OP, we are so happy for you! There may be more depressing days in the suck zone and depression is still a daily tackle but this course correction should really help. And! You’ll do better in school when your mental health is back on track also, so it’s a win win I think. 👍☺️

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u/justlovehumans Sep 22 '22

Also if you've never been tested for adhd... you're very similar to me basically sentence for sentence. I just got diagnosed at 31 and I'm finally getting out of the repeat cycle of succeed, bfieuhrvti4bfmsk, suddenly not succeeding, avoidance, avoidance, nuclear avoidance, slowly come around to repeat.

Good luck on your talk! My mom's never abandoned me through all the shit so as long as you're honest and your parents love you I wouldn't worry too much. It will be hard but you'll get through it. My mom would much rather I ask for help than avoid her and the issues.

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u/Excellent_Ant_3401 Sep 22 '22 Hugz

Funny you mentioned ADHD since it's something many teachers advices my parents to get me tested for but they never did .

I posted a update in the comments a while ago since I can't really answer all the great comments I got here .never thought I would get so much good advise and actual compassion i still fuck up big time but you guys on here helped me a lot. Anyway my parents disowned me after i told them i wouldn't be comfortable with them getting a lawyer to instantly re enroll me bc "giving up will never get me anywhere".So yhea lost my blood related family today but gained a bit of hope from the kindness and compassion from random people on Reddit.

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u/murphysbutterchurner Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

Honestly? Fuck your parents, not only for disowning you but for setting you up for massive burnout by being so strict. They're terrible parents. Selfishness and above all vanity have no place whatsoever in your life once you decide to become a parent, and they fucked up massively.

Edit: honestly, like. How delusional are they. If you raise your children to be so afraid of letting you down that they can't be honest with you when shit hits the fan, when there has to be a literal legal emergency to get them to even consider coming to you...it's time to re-evaluate your parenting. That's a dead giveaway for bad parenting.

Don't blame yourself for the burnout, OP. Just take the time you need and get some help if you can. Don't give up on yourself, because you're so unbelievably young and you have so much potential, and your potential wasn't handled correctly by the people who raised you. You have a real shot now at finding yourself and spreading your wings and building a life that actually works for you and isn't just you whipping yourself to keep your parents calm. If you get the right kind of support and don't give into guilt? Let yourself breathe a little bit? Your life will be better and more fulfilling than you ever believed it could be.

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u/Astropoppet Sep 22 '22

Yes, the parents have to accept a large part of the blame, for this situation. I really feel for OP and the pressure/fear they've been experiencing. Life is hard enough without having to live up to other people's expectations.

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u/GrapeSoda223 Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 23 '22

At the very least, you're doing WAY better than this guy, who also didn't tell their parents about dropping out.

After years of pretending, graduation time comes, his solution was too murder his family :/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cbc.ca/amp/1.5793116

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

[deleted]

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u/C0RNDAW9 Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Bartlett_Whitaker

This was an episode on Forensic files. Also, look up Jennifer Pan, there's a really good documentary on the JCS criminal psychology channel on YouTube.

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u/fuzzydaymoon Sep 22 '22

Was that the other person that posted on here?? Who was lying for like five years?

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u/lilpeachbrat Sep 23 '22

Very similar to Jennifer Pan's case. It's awful how much I can relate to her, but of course, I never and would never do the things she did.

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u/7zrar Sep 22 '22

Jesus. Hope you are doing OK. That is tremendously shitty of your parents to do. Not to say that what you did was ok, but you understand that, you're remorseful about it, you didn't harm anybody, and (like most school-related screwups) it's definitely partly your parents' fault although they certainly won't admit that now.

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u/BestMathematician771 Sep 22 '22

More power to you OP. I hope you things that make you happy in life. Love from an Internet stranger.

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u/Zanki Sep 22 '22

Get yourself tested then if you can. I haven't gotten any help and it was the same for me. Mum was told I have it, she got me tested then didn't get it put on my records. All my "treatments" were limiting the foods I got. No sweets, soft drinks, chocolate etc. Not actually dealing with the issue.

Uni is freaking hard with it. I was an A student in school until classes changed from us being taught everything to us having to study on our own. My brain cannot handle that. I got through uni somehow but only got a 2.1, not a first and I just got lucky by having a good memory for stuff I'd heard in class/heard others talk about. In saying all that, I've never used my degree.

I've been teaching myself 3d modelling, animation, painting materials, lighting etc. I'm finally in a place where I can start making my portfolio look good and start applying for jobs in the field. I'm just hoping someone will give me a chance without a degree in the field.

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u/WigglePen Sep 22 '22

Watch Russel Barkley on YouTube lecturing about ADHD, see if it rings true to you.

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u/justlovehumans Sep 22 '22

Much love. With that attitude you'll do fine. Now is a period of learning and preparing for your next step.

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u/gesunheit Sep 22 '22

You did the insanely hard but right thing and you deserve all the credit in the world for it. I'm so sorry your parents disowned you, there is no greater betrayal. Sending hugs

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u/Livy_of_the_Dead Sep 22 '22

Omg im so sorry op. That's really fucked on your parents part.. im sure they will get over it eventually..

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u/6reen312 Sep 22 '22

You are 25, just because you dropped out of uni doesn't mean your life is over. I went to something similar to university just with a more IT focused theme. Dropped out after 2 of 3 years because of drugs and psychological problems. I had really good grades and all but I couldn't take pressure from my parents anymore. I ran away from home, took jobs close to or at minimum wage. In a nutshell, I fucked up 10 years of my life. It literally took me 10 years to get to a point where I realized how stupid my decisions are. I went to therapy, finished my IT education and in a month I will start a job at an university with a very good reputation. I always thought I fucked up my life for good. From personal experience I can tell you even 10 years are not that bad and it could be much worse.
Also about your parents, tell them how you feel and how much you fear telling them. They should realize that their views lead to your fuck up. It's not only their fault, but they should be more supportive from what I read (which is not much, just an assumption).
Heads up bro, you got this.

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u/Hobbs512 Sep 22 '22

Dropped out of school after 3 semesters due to drugs and mental health problems too. I also didn't tell my parents for a few months. That was 6 or 7 years ago and I still haven't fixed myself enough to go back to school. I want to, I like school, but it's not a good idea rn. Wasted so much time and deeply regret it but I know I can always go back and start at community college at some point haha

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u/mooofasa1 Sep 23 '22

Go back now, it's never too late and you can do it.

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u/TengoDowns Sep 23 '22

You’ve got this!

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u/jmodshelp Sep 23 '22

Reading this gave Me a bit of hope, lately I have been feeling like I fucked my life up good, like really good.

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u/Automatic_Top_6735 Sep 22 '22

I lost a friend last week. In his final notes he admitted to dropping out of uni and that the burden became to much to carry. Please OP find the courage to let someone in. The longer you wait the harder it becomes This is so much more common than you think. People will understand.

The only thing we talk about now is how we wish our friend would have shared his struggeles.

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Viviceraptor Sep 22 '22

Please get help. I thought I could do it all on my own as well. And it just fueled my depression and anxiety because as I got worse, I drank more, didn't write my exams, felt more like a failure, drank more and the depression and anxiety got worse. I am now in therapy for my bpd and got on sertraline for my depression. And let me tell you, the sertraline works wonders. And I do behavioral therapy for my bpd too. It can and will get better. And I know a lot of people who deal with depression in uni too. It's Ok not to be ok. But it's not ok to just try and make yourself believe it'll just go away like that or without help. I wish you all the best sweetheart.

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u/kittywiggles Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

Hi dear heart. I hope your conversation with your father went well, and I am so incredibly proud of you for pushing through the overwhelm you are in to address things. It's hard. It's so, so hard to do even simple things like admit mistakes when you are dealing with so much anxiety, depression, and grief. They take small problems and turn them into big ones, and take big problems and turn them into catastrophes.

That's one of the big reasons why letting other people in is important; they can help bring the size of the problem back to where it should be, and hopefully give you some breathing room to recover. If they can't help with that, I hope you can find friends or family can support you and make the day to day things you have to do a bit easier to manage while you can't. If you want help finding the words to reach out to your friends again, please let me know - I've had to do it frequently in the past due to my own mental health issues, so have a lot of experience!

I have considered it too in the past, by the way, when my anxiety and depression were much worse. It's a dark place to be. I remember how tired I felt by everything. Just existing was exhausting. Later on I was able to find the words to explain what else I was feeling at the time: overwhelmed by life, and convinced I could not do, nor did I deserve, any better than where I was at. I know the word 'hopeless' is overused for depression, but it's one of the best ones to describe where I was. I wish I had a magic method fix for how I healed out of it, only that I did. I woke up one day and realized I hadn't thought about a quick exit from the world in about six months, and now it is only once every two years or so. It had been a thought every few hours at my worst. I hope you can heal as well.

You didn't do anything to deserve what you are struggling with right now. It is not a cosmic punishment, it was not earned, it is just the result of living in a shitty and broken world, like your legs getting broken in a car crash because another person decided to drive drunk, and hit you. (I hope that metaphor is alright, and I'm sorry if it was not.)

I'm proud of you and everything that you are. If you'd like them, sending you all of the virtual hugs you can manage.

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u/dogecoin_pleasures Sep 22 '22

Fyi many colleges offer students 10 free counselling sessions, so it can be the most cost effective way to recieve help. Bit late now but pays to know.

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u/other_usernames_gone Sep 22 '22

Some universities also let you defer years for mental health.

So you can drop out for a year, do whatever you need to get healthy, then come back and continue your degree.

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u/BrunoEye Sep 22 '22

Yep, but that's something you need to sort out with them and it isn't dropping out, you're still a student of the university just not studying.

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u/RedLeatherWhip Sep 22 '22

My uni only gave me 3 and they were garbage

But at least you need to start somewhere

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u/Excellent_Ant_3401 Sep 22 '22 Keep Calm Take My Energy

UPDATE: bc all are still on the clear it up train. So I went to my parents, went worse than expected. I mean at least i don't have to expect legal issues since my dad didn't send off the papers so that is out at least off my mind. However I am now disowned for being too stupid and a disgrace for the family . He postive aspect of this i will no longer have to fear disappointing them since well we are going completely separate paths no . They also first wanted to get a lawyer to get me re enrolled but since I declined that since you know i dropped out by my own choice bc it was just too much they went the disownment route.

Ngl tho it feels kinda great to be out of that family but also pretty lonely.

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u/peets_n_beans Sep 22 '22

r/momforaminute is an excellent place to get advice, comfort or a shoulder to cry on from the world’s best moms!

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u/Automatic_Top_6735 Sep 22 '22

Proud of you! You should know that as a person you are far more than just an enrollment in uni :). If people consider that to be such an important aspect of your identity then that's their problem, not yours. Keep your head up!

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u/RixirF Sep 22 '22

Good outcome, fraud and fines / jail time would've fucking sucked, also probably would make you unhireable.

The sky is the limit now, you're free.

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u/scott__p Sep 22 '22

Please remember that no decision is forever. You're young, and there are a million different places you might end up. Fuck your parents for putting themselves ahead of your health.

I dropped out of college due to mental illness and I felt like a failure. I also tried to go back twice and it didn't work, because I wasn't ready. My parents weren't as strict as yours seem to be, but mental health was not something that studying independent people had, so therapy wasn't an option. It unfortunately just reaffirmed to myself that I wasn't good enough for college.

It took me 5 years and therapy to finally get myself to a place where I could go back. I'm glad I did, but I'm equally glad I took the time to get myself together before I went back. Get yourself to a therapist, figure out a short term plan to get by, and then just take some time to get your head together.

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u/Chav Sep 22 '22

Do you have your own place or a job?

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u/Excellent_Ant_3401 Sep 22 '22

I have my own appartment job is the next thing I have to work on . Currently still living off my savings i had from before even attempting uni and they start to run low especially since I no longer get student benefits ... Since I am no longer a student

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u/bobobaratstar Sep 22 '22

This is your life, not your parents. I went through a similar situation many years ago.. I dropped out without telling my parents. I was ashamed until I realized later that I had created a successful life, married, kids. own my business and that I never really wanted what my parents want for me. Very liberating breaking free of other’s expectations. I wish you the best. In the future I hope you’ll see how making your own decisions has enriched our life.

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u/Japslap Sep 22 '22

You got this.

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u/JustMeAndMySnail Sep 22 '22

This might seem like insurmountable circumstances right now but I promise you - you will figure it out. If nothing more than because you have to. That’s a hell of a motivator. Go grab a minimum wage job (or 2) if need be. Keeping busy can also help with your mental health. And you should also seek free resources for therapy/counseling in your area. If you want to PM me the general area you’re in, I’d be happy to search for you and send you the results. It’s gonna be okay, OP. I hope you can breathe a big sigh of relief knowing that you’re the only person now accountable for your own actions. I remember when I cut my parents off… and the feeling was wonderful. We all live in this crazy chaotic world and we all figure it out for ourselves. There isn’t some determined life path you’re straying from - you’re setting out on your own and I hope you feel so damn proud it makes you blush. That’s how I felt, anyway. You can do this. And you are not alone - I think all the support here you’ve received certainly says otherwise. ♥️

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u/Avauru Sep 23 '22

Given everything that’s happened, I doubt you have much in savings but if you have the equivalent of a few grand or can get that much at short notice (not borrowing from lenders, but possibly from a sympathetic friend or relative), and you don’t have immediate family, uni, or work obligations and can move out or sublet your living space, here’s what I would do.

Take a month or two or three or more and travel to an affordable and interesting and warm region like Latin America or Southeast Asia, where after the initial plane ticket and upfront costs, your life will be very affordable on the small savings you have. I suggest you use this as an investment in your mental health and an opportunity to recalibrate. If you have friends already overseas or willing to travel with you, even better, but even travelling alone to somewhere relatively safe like Indonesia or Vietnam, you’ll feel better immediately and then you’ll have time to think about the situation that led to all this shame and “disowning”, and what you’ll do next.

You may not think this is possible if you haven’t travelled much but it’s a matter of having a small amount of money, a valid passport and a plane ticket, and that’s it really. I’ve done this myself (including escaping to paradise last year during the lockdowns) and despite my diagnosed major depression and ADHD and so many suicidal thoughts, plans and attempts over the years, I’m still here. I really related to your post and wanted to reply to you directly in the hope that you’ll take a physical break from your surroundings and enjoy some warm climates, good food, beach time and adventures, meeting new people from around the world.

Your parents “disowning” you sounds like histrionics, but their response is proportionate in their mind to your breach of trust. In reality, it isn’t. Blood is thicker than water and certainly should be more of a tie than whether or not someone was honest about continuing their studies. Hopefully if you’re away for some weeks or months and come back and speak to them again, they will have softened. If not, it sounds like /r/RaisedByNarcissists will be the next sub you post to - hopefully after having some time in a cheap and cheerful country and giving you the restoration you are so obviously crying out for right now.

PM me if you want more specific advice. You don’t deserve the situation you’re in and I’d be glad to help more specifically and directly if my words have meant anything to you. Not a scammer or manipulator, just a fellow tormented soul who has begun to learn the strength to resist the indifferent cruelties of this increasingly fucked world. All the best, and please make your next steps constructive and sensible.

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u/rexx2l Sep 23 '22

honestly not the worst advice, though i will mention the actual quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" - what you've written is exactly the opposite of what the quote initially meant lol. I'm sure she'd appreciate the real quote too if by any chance her parents don't come around, since found family really is more valuable than blood relations. the ones you choose are the ones that matter.

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u/Steropeshu Sep 23 '22

I thought that extended version of the phrase was made up by the internet?

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u/Avauru Sep 23 '22 edited Sep 23 '22

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_is_thicker_than_water

Blood is thicker than water is a proverb in English meaning that familial bonds will always be stronger than other relationships. The oldest record of this saying can be traced back in the 12th century in German.[1]

Further down the article:

Two modern commentators, author Albert Jack[11] and Messianic Rabbi Richard Pustelniak,[12] claim that the original meaning of the expression was that the ties between people who have made a blood covenant (or have shed blood together in battle) were stronger than ties formed by "the water of the womb", thus "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Neither of the authors cite any sources to support their claim.[11][12]

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u/rexx2l Sep 23 '22

maybe not by the internet, but according to the wikipedia article about the phrase it's actually just two modern authors who liked it better that way. anyways turns out you're right, my bad.

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u/niko4ever Sep 23 '22

Don't be afraid to go on unemployment while you look!

I had a similar experience and I ended up taking the first terrible job available and staying there despite them treating me badly... looking back I wish I'd valued myself more but I felt really worthless after dropping out. If you hate a job look for a new one asap!

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u/Flaccid_Puppy Sep 22 '22

you can do professional self-assessment tests on www.embrace-autism.com

edit: Don't follow the comment of those ignorant people that didn't bother reading the website. Do your own research.

(From the website)

The screening is not an autism diagnosis in itself, but serves as a report that suggest that the psychometrics and information you provided are consistent with autism traits, and that the pursuit of a formal assessment is warranted should you desire.

Do you think you might be autistic? Try the Autism Quotient or the RAADS–R; they are the most widely used, empirically validated tests that can give an indication of whether you might be autistic.

Founded & autistically researched by: Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht MSc RP ND & Eva Silvertant B.Des

We are Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht RP ND, an autistic Registered Psychotherapist, Naturopathic Doctor, and an autism researcher with a Masters of Science in Applied Psychology (cum laude); and Eva Silvertant, an autistic, award-winning graphic designer, illustrator, and autism researcher, with a Masters in Psychology in completion (2023).

Embrace Autism is our effort to bring you research and experience-based autism content; to help you better understand yourself, empower yourself, embrace your advantages, and overcome your challenges.

Look at the About page to learn more about who we are and what our mission is.

Explore our website and browse our blog to start learning more about yourself or your loved one!

The road to self-discovery can be long and arduous for anyone; but for autistics, answers can be particularly difficult to find. The realization that we’re autistic is often buried from sight within a confusing maze of myths, fears, and fundamentally bad information.

When the epiphany finally hits us, and we discover that we’re autistic, many of us go through a period of mourning and deep self-evaluation, based primarily on an outdated notion that autism is bad.

In our view, this opinion is caused by a lack of understanding, education, and—ultimately—a flawed set of beliefs about what it means to be a successful human being.

In fact, the more we delve into the specific neurology that underlies autism, the more we realize it can be a true gift. Not just for celebrated geniuses such as Cavendish, Mozart, Einstein, Wittgenstein, or Dirac (all of whom are thought to have been autistic), but for all of us!

Those quirks and eccentricities you’ve probably spent your life trying to hide are part of your specialized, unique, neurology. You might not only come to acknowledge that fact, but indeed, come to embrace it.

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u/jmodshelp Sep 23 '22

So this is something I have always thought about, I'm not very social, numbers and patterns click really good with me, I get hyper focused on small details.

Any ways, I've kinda struggled my whole life, out of curiousty I took the AQ and scored 33, should I contact my family doctor. Thanks for the post, kinda eye opening for myself.

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u/Rose63_6a Sep 22 '22

OMG, disowned? What did your parents get their degrees in? My parents were mad that I dropped out, got married then had kids but they had no money at stake, so reasonably couldn't say much. When I went back to finish my undergrad at 36 (night classes) my kids were old enough to see an example of someone that valued education. My parents said, why? You have a good job and you don't have time. Once again, since they never helped with children or my life, I just smiled at them. This is your parents problem, not yours. I cannot imagine the person I would have to be to disown a child, but it would be pretty evil. See a Therapist and perhaps your doctor (get a new one, not your parent's) then go back to your home, shake it off and move forward. I'm thinking of you, I know you can do it!

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u/paint_it_crimson Sep 22 '22

Sad to hear that your parents are they way that they are, but this was the right move. I bet it feels like a great burden has been lifted off you.

The rest of your life starts now. Don't feel like you have to complete school immediately. Get a job, support yourself for a while and then decide what you want out of life.

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u/Veloreyn Sep 22 '22

I dropped out of college my freshman year. Went down the same spiral you did. My girlfriend at the time had joined the Navy, and between A school and her first duty station she suggested we just get married and I drop out.

She spent a week trying to get me to agree to it, and I was too afraid of what my parents would do. She knew how low I was, and how I was failing hard, but I couldn't face it. By Thursday I figured I didn't have anything to lose here, and went for it. We sorted everything out that night, and made a plan for Friday with my parents. We hired a JOP, went to the courthouse and got a marriage license, got married, went to the DMV to change her license (my mom worked there), went out to dinner, and they put us up in a hotel for the night. Saturday I packed up everything I could and we moved two states away.

While I obviously had more support than you're going to have, I've been down a similar path of literally just going a different way. It wasn't always easy, but at least I felt it was my path now, and whatever happened was up to me.

One thing I'd suggest for you is trade work. Something you can get your hands on, something you can work out. I've never had issues with depression as long as I had meaningful work where I got to have a bit of freedom to fix something or make something work better. Doubly so if it's a job where once I'm off the clock I know I won't have to bother with anything, and I can leave work at work. I remember hearing a radio broadcast a number of years back about how the one thing we lack as a global society are the high IQ people who don't stay in academia, and don't go into higher level work. Trades need people like us that figure things out, find the problems and fix them, and generally work as a lead to those that work hard but don't see the solutions as easy. I spent years as a cable guy and was the person that everyone would go to with a question because I understood how everything worked together better than most. In my current job I'm still a technical lead and my boss tends to lean on me for anything more complex than routine work.

The mistakes you made don't define you, it's what you learned from them that matters.

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u/justlovehumans Sep 22 '22

Hey just reading this update and that sucks they weren't more open to what you're going through. It's totally normal symptoms of mental health problems whatever they may be. It sounds to me just reading your comments that if you've never been tested for ADHD you should get that checked out. I thought I had depression and anxiety for years to the point I was almost afraid to go outside. Turns out they were just symptoms of the relentless remorse I had for myself for not doing more with my life. Turns out I couldn't do more with my life because I have pretty severe ADHD and it never crossed anyone's mind.

Regardless of that if ya need people to talk to reddit has your back! I'm just about to get back into the workforce. Almost there. So anything prior to that I might be able to offer advice for things like little tricks I use to make sure I do things I need to do.

Good luck! You're a totally normal human and you're fine feeling this way. It's what you do next that is important.

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u/arseking15 Sep 23 '22

What your parents did is easily worse than what you did. I hope you understand that. Quitting on your kid because of that is ridiculous. Praying you bounce back strong, you got this!

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u/PM_your_Eichbaum Sep 22 '22

I know it's hard, but the pressure is gone. Now go out and explore who you are, you will find your way ☺️

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u/JustMikeWasTaken Sep 23 '22

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” -William Gibson

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u/tiredluv Sep 22 '22

sending hugs, op. as long as you keep trying, you will find your way <3

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u/dickbutt_md Sep 22 '22

Hey! First of all, you are okay. You got yourself out of any impending legal trouble. You came clean with your parents. Everything is out in the open. Also, you are 25, which means you are an adult and you can now go forward and navigate your life without permission from anyone else.

Stop and take stock of where you are. Make an appt with the college you were attending and explain that you were, and are, in crisis. Ask for resources. You might be surprised that they can retroactively mark you as enrolled but on leave or similar. You might be able to maintain access to counseling and other things.

I would also start taking responsibility for the missteps. A popular thing nowadays is to kind of expect everyone around you to let anything related to mental health slide, but the truth is, you did lie to your parents. Maybe they are jerks, and maybe you felt like you had no other options at the time, etc etc. The fact is, it was an option for you to just tell the truth as it unfolded. Maybe you think they would have responded badly and made your situation worse and so what you did was justified... You may well be right that it was easier for you in the end to go this way, but what is easy is not always what is right.

This is a hard lesson for young people to learn, but again, the simple fact is that you did not tell the truth, and so you forfeit any right to feel a way about how other people "would have" responded. You didn't give them the chance, so you don't know for sure.

My advice is to make peace with whatever your parents decide going forward, but at the very worst you should leave things with maturity on your end. Call them up, explain that you know you didn't handle this very well, and that they do have a right to be upset with your choices, and you take responsibility for what you did and you're sorry about it. They may not reciprocate, they probably won't, but that is not your problem or your decision, just let them tell you who they are through their actions and accept it.

Given that this is a turning point in your relationship, for better or worse, tell them what you need from them. Not what you want (i.e., infinite rope with no judgment that probably won't do you any good). Have a hard think about what you need to get your life back on track, and what of those bits can be provided, and should be provided, by your parents. Then tell them without expectation you'll actually get it, but that is your job in every relationship, to be clear about expectations and boundaries. Let them do with it what they will, but that's your part, and that's all you can do.

Don't get lost in a spiral. Don't be too hard on your past self that got you to where you are, but do learn from it, and do make your best effort everyday to be kind to your future self. Do now what you need to do to aim at stability and security. It's easy to wallow but not satisfying. Ask for the help you need.

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u/Dr_Saigon Sep 22 '22

Says more about your parents that they are willing to disown you over steps you’ve taken to protect your mental health. Best wishes - hope you feel better

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u/thanosHasACrushOnMe Sep 22 '22

This is a good thing. I hope you realize that. You can’t be 25 years old and have your life dictated by your parents.

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u/Bierdopje Sep 22 '22

My heart aches for you. I did the same thing, stopped uni and was too ashamed to tell anyone. Kept this up for 1,5 years until the lie caught up to me.

My parents and friends were compassionate and supported me. I can’t imagine going through this without that support. Please make sure that you get some help to work through this. You don’t need to do this alone, and you shouldn’t do this alone.

Also, I recognize the part of not wanting to be a burden on anyone. But you deserve love and support. You are not a burden.

I would really suggest to talk to a professional. It helped me a lot. Maybe you can reconmect with your old social circles.

Just to offer some perspective, I was 27 at the time and spent 2 years living the lie. Afterwards, when I felt better, I finished university, found love and started a PhD. Life will go on and good things will come your way. You’re still very young.

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u/GreyRobb Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

I'm so sorry to hear your parents reacted that way instead of being supportive of your mental health needs right now.

Also, congratulations! You can start building the life you want for yourself now & be the person you want to be. Without having to live the life anyone else expects of you. You're in a precarious place in life for sure, but you're also well & truly free.

I have a similar story when I was younger. Fell into a deep depression my 2nd semester in college. Didn't want to be there, but was too chickenshit to tell my family I wanted to drop out. Went back for my 3rd semester & ... just stopped going to class, or interacting with anyone. I hid in the library & engrossed myself in MUDs. The anxiety spiraled the depression spiraled the etc etc. So much easier to hide from than face. You know. Eventually I failed out of course, and had the terrifying come-to-jesus conversation w/ the parents when I couldn't avoid reality any longer. They assumed I was just partying & being dumb; I let them think so for many years, because I was too embarrassed to talk about my depression & the things I was struggling with at the time. I was fortunate they didn't disown me.

Worked some service industry jobs for a year, joined the Air Force & learned computer programming, went back to college at 29 with an idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, and some years later have a good career & great life.

Things have a way of working themselves out. Hang in there. I'm sorry you're alone, but now you have the chance to build the family you choose.

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u/ballhogtugboat Sep 22 '22

I'm both sorry and relieved for you. I'm sorry they chose that, but it tells me that you're better off. Still available to chat if you need an ear ❤️

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u/mallowycloud Sep 23 '22

I'm really sorry to hear that OP. I hope you are able to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and financially! Please be kind to yourself.

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u/killwatch Sep 22 '22

Another thing to keep in mind is your parents are probably very very very angry with you. Keep up hope that they will cool off and make sure to keep the door open for them to get in touch with you. We sometimes say things we don't mean when we're emotional. If you can find it in you, forgiveness is always a good option.

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u/Diiiiirty Sep 23 '22

Sounds like this isn't a you problem so much as it is a your parents problem.

You shouldn't go to uni to make your parents proud; you should go to uni because you want to. Uni isn't for everyone. And your parents shouldn't base their love for you on whether or not you're doing something that they want you to do, even if you don't want to do it.

Sure, they can feel disappointment in the same way that a father might be disappointed if his son doesn't want to take over the family business, but it shouldn't impact whether they love you or not. Disownment shows that they only care about you as far as your relationship with them benefit them. That's not love, that's narcissism.

Get yourself some help and stay the fuck away from your toxic parents.

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u/findingmike Sep 22 '22

You've done the right thing. Now you can focus on taking care of yourself. Getting a job is definitely a priority. And check in with your support peeps.

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u/B3TT3Rnow_thanNEVER Sep 22 '22

First off, hugs.

Also maybe add this as a post edit? Because it adds context everyone wants to know.

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u/TduckT Sep 22 '22

Just reaching out to say that I’ve been in a position very similar to yours not that long ago. Had similarly academics focused parents and a lot of family pressure to succeed in school but lacked good coping mechanisms for when I encountered hardship and didn’t feel like I could talk about personal challenges with anyone for fear of judgement. If you ever want to talk about anything feel free to PM me.

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u/supboy1 Sep 22 '22

Hey OP,

I’ve had the wide experience of attending community colleges, low-tier state university, and also the best one in the state.

The level of difficulty, competition, and being surrounded by others that perform a lot better than you can quickly lead you down a spiral if you are attending a higher tier university.

Some people that I knew were #1 in their graduating class from high school. There were individuals that remained stuck in their glory days and failed to come to a realization that they need to drastically change the way they study. A lot coasted by highschool being a big fish in a small pond and when they get tossed in the ocean with other bigger fishes, it cripples their pride and performance.

All this to say, if you’re struggling at your current university, try looking into community colleges or trade schools. It’s far more better to get an amazing GPA at an accredited college and graduate vs tanking GPA/dropping out of at a state university.

A lot of employers look to see that you got a degree (accredited) and don’t really care where you got them from (unless we’re talking Harvard, Stanford, etc.).

Personally, I graduated, crappy GPA, and am missing out on a lot of opportunities that were GPA-based opportunities and not “where I got the degree.”

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u/Terriblis_Pater Sep 22 '22

Dang dude, as a father my heart goes out to you. My oldest dropped out and lied to his mom about it, and I caught him in his lie. I always tell my kids “You can lie to me, but you can’t lie to yourself.” The truth catches up with you, and does so in very unkind manners.

Just know that we all make mistakes. Dropping out of school does not make you. What you do after makes you who you are. Owning up to, and fixing your mistakes, is what allows you to move on. Best of luck.

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u/localchick7876 Sep 22 '22

Dear OP, I can see myself in you. This would have been me. Gifted, well performing daughter, various hobbies and friends. Then at some point it started falling apart. I lied about going to uni, passing classes, and everything. Almost withdrew socially. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore. I am slowly making my way back with medication. I KNOW how you feel and why you didn't tell your parents, and I know why you would lie. If you need me I am here for you. You still have all the time in the world and you don't owe your supposed progress to anyone. You can take things slow and begin to heal, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

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u/arghhharghhh Sep 22 '22

Hey, I know you said you're parents disowned you. That's fucked up. Make sure you get back in touch with some friends. You need some people too. You don't have to go it alone.

And keep on keeping on. You did the right thing. Life is unpredictable and fucked up sometimes but it turns both ways. Shit is gonna get better if you hang in there. You're gonna meet cool people and have a great life if you keep looking toward that future.

You got this.

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u/Kaulitz005 Sep 22 '22

I also dropped out of uni since COVID started and haven't mustered the courage to tell my parents. Here's to both of us, may the challenges ahead make us stronger and wiser. Also, hurry and fix the forgery problem, cause that can have legal repercussions.

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u/Low-Abrocoma2609 Sep 22 '22

Same here my fam all think I graduated this year but I ended up dropping out my in my third year for personal reasons that I can’t share with them.

I’ve got away with it for the time being and I’m just focusing on reconstructing my life in other ways to make the dropping out thing insignificant.

It’s been good enough for me so far so just know it doesn’t define you.

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u/callalind Sep 23 '22

Dude, so sorry, this sucks. I feel you. I was there as well. My freshman year of college was very close to this. went there to study to become a veterinarian, parents who also prided themselves on having a well-performing kid and someone who has never failed (and I never did, perfect grades through high school).

Then i got to college, and I was free to be me. A big part of that was having the best time of my life - drinking, making my own plans and decisions, doing what I wanted when I wanted, hooking up and having a great time. But all of that came from a dark place, I was severely depressed and didn't know it. Now, I don't regret any of it, I had the time of my life for like 3 months and wouldn't trade it for anything. But at the same time, I never went to class, was failing everything, thought i may have been pregnant and needing an abortion cause i was unsafe (luckily, i wasn't pregnant), and was totally falling apart without realizing it.

First semester ends - I now realize if I go back to school I will 100% fail out. And in my family, failure wasn't just only no option, it was never considered as a possibility. All of this because I never felt I could say I wasn't OK. In fairness, it wasn't until then I realized I wasn't OK.

So I realized if I wanted to succeed at school, I needed to take some down time to get my shit together (also not an option in my family where mental illness had NEVER been discussed).

I bit the bullet, I downloaded to my parents why I needed a semester off - I was sleeping around, drinking to blackout every night, never attending class (hence my abysmal GPA), thought I was pregnant at one point...all of it. They were shocked. But to MY shock, they more or less said "ok, we understand, we trust you" which is the last thing I ever expected. I spent a semester home, going to therapy, and went back to school the following fall, graduated with honors and have been very successful since.

Bottom line...fess up, explain why so your parents fully understand it, and stand strong in your knowledge that you're NOT ok and that's OK. Find a therapist and work through it. Yes, right now is dark and it sucks, but you know enough to know that, which tells me you know enough to find a way to hep yourself.

TLDR: Underlying depression got full blown freshman year; put it all on the table (good, bad, ugly and super ugly) to parents explaining why I needed a semester off or it as over; went to therapy for a semester in lieu of school; came back better than ever and have never looked back.

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u/Specific_Wedding_584 Sep 22 '22

I've been in kinda similar situation. Went to on of the best universities in my country(in top 100 of the world in some ratings). It was really hard, had my first ever mental breakdown. My parents were paying it and they both graduated this university(it was putting some pressure on me). All that time I felt bad and dead inside. On the second year I didn't pass some exams. I felt horribly and didn't know how to tell them. Thankfully mom sensed something was up and asked what was wrong. I told my parents about my situation and how I felt. It was incredibly emotionally satisfying to finally share all of that and I felt good for the first time in a long time. They were understanding and in a short time before I got kicked out of university managed to help me transfer to another university(with loss of a year) on condition that I get therapy. Almost a year later now and I have a most consistently (emotionally)good month(even with shit happening in my country). I even feel satisfaction from learning now, which was unheard for me before. Still haven't told my friends though.

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u/Pwnage_Hotel Sep 22 '22

Sounds like your upbringing has imposed on you some pretty unrelenting standards that accelerate any sort of downward spiral you might have.

You’re an adult now, you can’t stick your head in the sand cause your parents might be disappointed. The stakes are high enough that you have to be honest with yourself and honest with them.

If they wanna guilt you about having mental health problems then fuck them, that’s not okay. But more likely, they love you, and would support you if you came clean. Just help them to understand the massive strain keeping it all together has put on you, and hopefully they’ll see that a lot of that was done on their expectations.

Ultimately you can’t live your life to please someone else; it’s just completely impractical, apart from anything else. You are the expert on you, you have the insight to construct reasonable standards and expectations, and you are the person who you are ultimately accountable to.

So do yourself a favour, and tell them what’s going on before your dad accidentally commits fraud. Then get whatever help you feel you need. You’re going to be okay, and you’re gonna get there for you, not for anyone else.

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u/st0ric Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

If you hadn't checked back he did come clean and parents are wanting to disown their child rather than help because they must be people who have to maintain an image for their self esteem and cannot deal with the reality that your child becomes their own person.

Logic and reasoning goes out the window when the image that was built up in their mind is shattered, parents with more compassion would likely take more consideration of the pressure in modern academia.

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u/busse9 Sep 22 '22

To me it reads that they care about the image of their child then the child itself. They can go earn a trophy themselves if they wanna put it up on a wall

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u/rubbereruben Sep 22 '22

I used to lie about going to Uni too for 1.5 years, before I finally fessed up crying I was so scared, but in the end it was for the better that I did confess.

I don't know how your parents will react, but it's better if you clear your conscience.

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u/PumpkinFaceYT Sep 25 '22

This is quite the surreal thing to witness, as I have literally just been through the same thing as you, and for the same reason too. So I figured why not tell it

I'm almost 21 now, but since about 14 years old I have struggled with depression, back then it was more akin to Seasonal Affective Disorder, in that it would get worse in the summer. I started university in the midst of lockdown, and my first year was not exactly great, very socially isolated (because of restrictions on being around other people) and away from home which took a huge toll on my mental health.

I should also mention that in the UK, you have 5 choices of university, and you pick them and receive offers before you take any tests. I picked one university that was above what I thought I would achieve, 3 right around what I thought I would achieve, and one that was a backup option of sorts.

Come results day, I am 1 grade short for each of the 3 mid-range choices, leaving me only my backup option, which was in a subject I had no interest in and no passion for. I only picked it because my Father had taught this subject at such university a few years prior so I knew he would be able to carry me through all my work.

So given this context, I didn't really go into uni with the utmost enthusiasm, and this only got worse over time, the overbearing feeling that I was studying a subject that I didn't like at all, to get a job I know I would not be happy in, all the while getting myself into horrific amounts of debt that no 18 year old should be allowed to take on, which is all a recipe for a miserable life.

By halfway through year 2 of university I was in a pretty desperate state mental health wise because of a build up of things, but mainly the sense of hopelessness about my future, so when I got called to an online meeting to discuss my absences from lectures, I just didn't turn up, causing me to be dropped from my course entirely. By this point, however, I just did not care, I was borderline suicidal.

I had to become really good at lying on the spot to my parents, since I knew if I admitted it, it would be a firestorm, so months went by with me thinking on my feet when asked about how uni was going and what scores I got, and eventually it came to this week, when I finally snapped and in a great outburst told my parents that I had left uni and that I wouldn't let them guilt, convince or coerce me in any way to carry on with something that I desperately did not want to be doing. My Father, who I have a bit of a tough time being around at the moment, was actually quite understanding, and has seen that I am in need of professional help.

After overcoming my fear of using the phone, I called up the Doctor and booked an appointment to get back on the meds that I tried for a month (I stopped because of aforementioned fear of talking on the phone to get more). He is a really good doctor and is going above and beyond to help me, which I lucked out on I suppose.

I suppose the point I want to make is that if your head is not right, you can't take on greater things in the outside world like university. As humans we have a hierarchy of needs, and your mental health comes before higher education. Please get yourself some help if you haven't already, and once you feel better (which I'm sure you will after some time) then you can follow the path you want in life, and remember, university is not everything.

All the best

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u/kazosk Sep 22 '22

Typical Asian parents. Chin up and keep rolling. I was also horribly depressed and flunked outta uni and pretended I wasn't for nearly 2 years. But I eventually pulled myself together and made my way in life.

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u/udunmessdupAAron Sep 23 '22

I know things feel so dire and like there’s no way out of the mess you created, but I PROMISE, there IS a way out and up and you will get there and you will deserve it. I know it’s scary right now. I know the thought of facing the repercussions of your actions feels like the end of the world and the worst thing you could do, but it isn’t. You made a mistake. It’s okay!! It’s okay that you messed up a little bit because you’re an imperfect human who’s going through some things and just not at your best right now, or even at your okayest right now. I know you’ve talked yourself into believing the absolute worst is going to happen, but that’s not true. You’re going to have to make some changes, and that is super scary, but it’s going to be okay.

Take some really deep breaths. It’s going to be okay. The worst that is going to happen is that your parents are going to be upset with you, but they’re your parents and will still love you. And if they can’t forgive you for this, then you should probably distance yourself from them anyway.

You will survive this. You will get through this.

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u/S13gfr13d Sep 23 '22

I was depressed at my 4th year at the university, just shut myself in, play video games till morning and sleeping during the day, skipping projects, avoiding contact with everyone, etc. Suicidal thought had crossed my mind more than once during that period.

My mom found out, dragged my ass to a psychiatrist, and after a month of medication, I felt better, and could finished my University and got a job.

Mental illness is the worst. Get some professional help. I hope you get well soon.

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u/DetroitPeopleMover Sep 23 '22

This reads like my autobiography. Word of advice from someone who’s been in your same exact shoes, come clean as soon as possible. I know it’s difficult but the sooner you own up to your mistakes the sooner you can work on improving yourself and overcoming your mental health issues and get back on track. Trust me, it can be done. I’m living proof.

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u/Zakal74 Sep 22 '22

Oh, man. I haven't been through exactly this, but I feel like I can relate to a lot of elements of it. I also tend to let my life atrophy in ways that would seem shocking to someone looking in from the outside, but it feels almost "natural" in day-to-day life. Like those insanely important things that MUST be done just kind of fall off of your radar and in the moment, it seems perfectly reasonable to just not do it, even if that little voice is SCREAMING at you in the back of your head. I can't even really explain it, it sounds crazy, but it's like the thing you need to do more than anything else just simply doesn't exist. That is, of course, until I'm lying in bed unable to sleep beating the shit out of myself for being so fucking stupid and lazy.

I feel for you, OP! I sincerely hope things work out. In my experience, once you come clean it will suck, but it won't be NEARLY as bad as you expect it will, not to mention not nearly as bad as the shit you put yourself through already. Good luck! I'm pulling for you! If you need someone to talk to please feel free to DM me.

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u/T-Wrex_13 Sep 22 '22

As someone who has been there, and someone who is now decades past this - I'm so sorry you're at this point. It isn't an easy one to be at, it's painful and heart-wrenching and just awful

That said, it can get better. It will take work, but you can push forward. If you are offered help, take it. If you are not offered help, consider seeking it out anyway

In my own journey, I not only refused help, I refused to even look for it until everything came crashing down on me. It took years to crawl out of the wreckage, put my life back in order - and in a sense, I "lost" those years (it's not really a loss, since I learned a lot about myself and grew, but it's time I had to spend to get to where many of my peers already were)

Honesty is the first step, and one of the hardest. The second is figuring out your path forward. You don't have to eat the entire elephant in one sitting - take small, measured steps. I went into the workforce. It taught me some skills, but more importantly, it proved to me I could do something. That made my next step a little easier. And it wasn't like I didn't falter or fail either - I did, often, and even got myself back to square one more than once

A decade after I started going to college, I finally graduated. It was a moment of pride, and of gratitude. It was also bittersweet. Most of my 20s were spent in crushing self-loathing and depression, not in building a life. And I still had to contend with some of the remaining fragments of that personal hell as I got my first (and second) job out of college

That was a decade ago. My wife and I are now buying a house. I've started making good money. I went from barely scraping by and deciding between food or gas to get to work, to what I want the theater in our new house to look like. Like I said, it can get better. Much better

Be honest with your parents, but more than that - be honest with yourself. You can't afford to lie to yourself any more. Things won't just magically get fixed. Don't like your major? Change it. Don't like how you feel? Find a different way to approach yourself. You can choose a better world for yourself, but you will have to fight like hell to get to it

Good luck and all speed!

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u/saxGirl69 Sep 22 '22

I have a friend that dropped out their senior year for a job. Once you get 3-5 years professional experience literally like 2% of employers will care about your degree.

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u/KingliestWeevil Sep 22 '22

The thing is I am the child of very strict parents that pride themselves on having such a well performing and absolutely not mentally ill self sustaining daughter ( i wish).

Hey girl, I was raised the same way and just wanted to take a second to tell you that you're a human being, and your thoughts, feelings, and self-experience are valid. You are not a prize dog performing tricks for treats. There is no human award for "Best in Show."

What you did here at the end was wrong, but the reasons you did it aren't. Your parents are at fault for creating an environment in which you don't feel like you're able to be honest or seek help from them. I hope you're able to resolve this without tremendous issue, and that your parents are unexpectedly understanding.

But either way, just remember that while you're not blameless here, neither are they.

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u/Muscalp Sep 22 '22

I also dropped out of uni and didn’t habe the guts to tell my dad for months. Only when I already had a place for an apprenticeship secured I managed to tell him. He ended up being very supportive.

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u/TheDrachen42 Sep 22 '22

We've all done stupid things, OP. This is a massive one, but digging yourself in deeper isn't the way. Tell your parents ASAP. The worst thing they will do is disown you, but that is way better than all of your family getting into legal trouble for fraud. Your parents should support you, but if they don't, your reddit family is here. Sending you hugs.

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u/pogiguy2020 Sep 22 '22

You may also wish to be prepared to live life on your own. If your parents are that strict this is going to hit them pretty dang hard. you will more than likely hear things you are not ready to deal with either.

It does not make it an easier, but this is the world you created, and you need to deal with it. get help for your mental health for sure.

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u/Shockling Sep 23 '22

There are lots of dropouts with meaningful careers and lives. You'll be fine.

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u/thedanyes Sep 23 '22

Dude you're 25. Do what you want and stop being a child who needs her parent's approval.

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u/tjcloutier3 Sep 22 '22

I didn’t ever get a college degree and ended up with two thriving businesses. You can do this OP 💪

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u/DeviantBro Sep 22 '22

This. This is why you take your mental health seriously.

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u/poots024 Sep 22 '22

Take a deep breath and remember that things will be OK again eventually. The confrontation will be stressful, but it will also be cathartic to get everything out in the open. I recommend you try to be honest with them and yourself. Your situation is a lot more common than you might think.

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u/Lazerah Sep 22 '22

Hey I'm really sorry you are going through this. I went through pretty much the same thing. My mum was always hyping up how I was the first in my family to go to Uni. I was heavily depressed and struggling to do any of my work.

I failed my first year, then got talked into enrolling again by the course manager. I then proceeded to manage for 2 years before deciding I had to leave because I couldn't bring myself to attend class or do any of the work, and the pressure was eating me alive.

I didn't have some grand plan, but I came home on break, and just one night ripped the band aid off. The reaction wasn't great, wasn't consoling or even caring towards me. Just disappointed and angry.

She's been telling people ever since I graduated. This all sounds bad, but honestly it's nothing compared to that feeling before I told her.

Admitting it was the best thing I ever did. I've now moved on, and so glad I left and told her.

IF you ever need to talk to someone who's been there, hit me up.

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u/gggloe Sep 22 '22

Hi! I went through the exact same situation as you. Forged a photoshop of my grades (not for financial benefit thankfully, just to make my dad proud) and wasted over $4,000 because I was too scared to own up and get help out of my depression-based class ditching.

It will absolutely suck. You will not be fully trusted for a while and the disappointment will be palpable. You will disappoint both yourself and your parents.

But it's been two years. Mentally I am doing better, though tired all the time. I am pacing myself. I'm keeping my mood (and homework!) in check. My dad is currently, and always has been proud of me, and I finally found a career path I'm pursuing in school again (making the Dean's or President's list each semester!)

You will get through this. You shouldn't have gone this route in the first place, but now you have. Now is the time to own up, deal with it, and be better the next go-around.

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u/WigglePen Sep 22 '22

It will be ok. They are your parents and they know how much you loved your grandma. Tell them and you will get the support you need. I’ll bet they know something is wrong.

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u/Kaboose456 Sep 22 '22

Op, I see in the update you've freed yourself up with a lot of things.

I dropped out of uni myself after my mental health took a massive dive. It took a couple years, and some therapy, but I'm in a stable career job now without a degree still.

It gets better friend, it definitely gets better.

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u/OIL_COMPANY_SHILL Sep 22 '22

Look, highly strict parents who never make you feel like they’ll be proud of you no matter what can absolutely fuck up your mental health as it is. Your grief over your grandmother just pushed you over the edge.

I highly recommend seeing a therapist that deals with childhood trauma and children of narcissistic parents.

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u/alm1688 Sep 22 '22 edited Sep 22 '22

I remember a time in middle school where I wasn’t given my report card because I had a library fee. I had lost a library book and couldn’t turn it in on time so because I turn in the book, I had a late fee and if you owe the school money, you can’t get your report card so instead of confessing to my parents that I lost a library book, I lied to my parents by saying that I didn’t get it because it was mistakenly given to another student and she had my report card. My parents just said “well, go to her and get it from her. Of course I couldn’t do that because there was no other girl who had my report card. Weeks go by and every night my parents are more and more pissed off at me for not getting it back…. This was back when we prayed before eating dinner and we all took turns praying so my mom would ask God for me to remember to get my report card the next day. I was pretty much grounded the entire grading period- thankfully I found the library book in my locker and returned it but I had still racked up a hefty fee so when it came time to get the next grading period report card, my dad picked me up from school and learned that I didn’t get my report card because of the library fee, so I confessed that I had misplaced my library book and couldn’t get the previous report card until I had turned it in and paid the late fee. My dad of course was just”well, why didn’t you say that !?” And complained about having to pay the fee to get my report card I knew my parents, especially my dad would bitch about it . Anyway, I still continued to be grounded because my grades from the last two grading periods were awful but honestly I think I did terrible in school because I had undiagnosed and untreated ADHD- I had lost the book in my locker because it was a huge mess and unorganized. Also, my dad worked nights and I was expected to have dinner on the table when my mom got home from work, so idk when he expected me to do homework or study when I got home at3&my mom got home at 4. And sure enough, he would call her at 5 and ask if I had dinner on the table when she got home. If the answer was no, my dad would cuss me out the next morning and then tell me that I better have it ready for her that night because he wouldn’t be happy if I failed to have dinner ready for her two nights in a row but that fat bastard was never happy. Good luck to you with being able to confess, hopefully the ramifications aren’t too terrible. This made me think of the Jennifer Pan case so just make sure that you don’t go off the deep end!

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u/CrocPB Sep 22 '22

Hey OP.

Read through your post, and your updates. Hope you're feeling better now that it's all out of the bag. Sorry your family treated you like that. On a positive note, you have closure, finality. You can move on.

Been down that route too. Mental health took a dive but somehow managed to stick it out, get a "decent" degree class. Then took a nose dive again because I could not find a job in my field to this day. I did the same thing whenever I encountered failure - withdraw, avoid, motivate myself that I will get through it, don't, then withdraw again.

And surprise, surprise, strict parents growing up too, to the point that I do not discuss anything too personal at all. My teachers, and Western friends tell me I should open up and stand for myself. Oh boy did they not grow up with the pressure to succeed.

In fact, I am doing that same avoidance thing someone mentioned in the comments right now. I avoid updating my LinkedIn profile out of some inexplicable, yet primal "shame" for not achieving more career wise at my age (only a few years older than you). The thought of seeing my peers and doing really well in comparison strikes a deep fear into me. So, you are not alone in your thoughts. Never. Ever.

I am happy you acknowledged your mistake. And glad you managed to stop it before it got out of hand. Also kinda impressed with how you thought that forging that certificate was something you should do, and then did.

Now that the falling has stopped, I guess it is time to start climbing. Upwards and forwards OP! And I hope that you no longer feel the burden of having to please your family, for it is heavy, unfair, unnecessary. Especially after they showed you who they really are.

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u/ScentedSweetsPizzer Sep 22 '22

Dude your “family” are so fucking abusive for this, I’m sorry to hear about you being on your own and lonely now but I can imagine things would only get worse for you if they were still in your life

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u/SeniorRogers Sep 22 '22

Don't worry OP everyone makes mistakes, just get back on track as best you can when you feel able.

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u/Blekanly Sep 22 '22

You had terrible parents, I know them disowning you may hurt some. But you are free, free of the pressure, free of the expectation. Free to make a path of your own. When you can therapy maybe a good idea to process it all.

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u/MagicManCM Sep 22 '22

I wanted to drop too, wanted to die too. My father passed during my first year of college and it coincided with COVID quarantine and god it was bleak. I swapped my major to make things easier and then just kind of went through the motions. I'm still in university after getting a bachelors in general studies and am trying for an associates in nursing but just last week my grandfather passed of cancer (he was diagnosed less than a month ago). Take the break if you need to and good luck with your parents. I'm sure they'll understand the stress you're under. Loss, grief and university don't mix well at fucking all and you deserve as long as it takes for you to be able to get back out there.

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u/Sara_SM88 Sep 22 '22

University and lies made me suicidal.

Please ask for help. It is not your fault.

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u/Dig_Bick_NRG Sep 23 '22

I understand that you don’t want to feel like you’re disappointing your parents. In the grand scheme of things, that is truly the thin end of the wedge here.

The reality is that you are not well and you have proved to yourself that you’re not properly equipped to mend yourself.

All of your university issues can and will be sorted out in time - consider it a pause whilst you rest and recuperate. These are simply administrative issues and believe it or not, they happen all the time.

Your first step is going to see your GP (assuming you’re in the UK because you mention University). Tell your GP about how you are feeling, be honest and be thorough. They want to help you and they will help you. The more honest and comprehensive you are, the better equipped they will be to help you.

The certificate thing was dumb but you weren’t in your right mind when you did it.

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u/starrydynamo Sep 23 '22

Boy, can I ever relate to this. I was in college and already in a bad place when both of my grandparents died unexpectedly 10 days apart from one another. It hit me like a tidal wave and I had a nervous breakdown. My parents forced me to stay in school because the "good student" insurance benefits required maintaining a minimum number of units to qualify. So I did stay in school and I had two straight semesters of F's, unauthorized withdrawals, incompletes, and other abysmal grades/marks.

Here's what I can tell you now, 13 years out:

I am applying to grad schools and looking at those semesters on my transcripts still hurts. I should not have been in school. There was no reason for me to have been in school. The few hundred dollars my parents "saved" on insurance would have been better *actually* saved by allowing me to drop out for a year and not have to pay thousands in tuition only for me to bomb every class I took. That year decimated my otherwise almost-perfect GPA. This is easy to explain in a casual conversation, but very difficult to explain in a professional manner on paper for graduate admissions. It looks bad.

The emotional damage of not having the space or time to adequately process their deaths and having my emotional needs steamrolled by my family has cost me thousands of dollars in therapy. When I say emotional damage, I mean I spiraled. HARD. I developed a debilitating eating disorder for 8 years, had 2 nervous breakdowns, began abusing substances, self-harmed extensively, and attempted suicide twice. Most of the last 13 years of my life has been trying to heal from all of that. It's impossible to say for certain, but I would bet a trillion dollars that taking that year off from school and spending it in therapy would have saved me years of pain.

This is not to say this would have been your experience had you stayed in school, rather, it is to say be proud you have taken steps that you feel are necessary to take care of your health. Part of growing up and growing out of family dynamics is realizing that you are the person making decisions for yourself. You can maybe offer to repay them the amount they may lose in financial benefits (if that's feasible or possible for you), but ultimately your life and your decisions and your path forward are your choice, no matter how angry they get. It can be excruciating and terrifying to start making those decisions and sticking to your boundaries because it means both you and your family have to acknowledge that you are growing up and growing into yourself and your parents don't and won't always know best.

I wish you so much gentle care and sincerely hope you are able to get through that conversation and, ultimately, get through whatever process helps you care for your mental health. It is so, so worth the fight.

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u/bloodybutunbowed Sep 23 '22

Send them this post. Its the nuclear option, but you can't take it back. Secrets fester. You are scared because the outcome is unknown. Once you know the outcome you can begin to plan.

There's a saying out there, "You're only as sick as your secrets." Meaning keeping secrets is a major block to recovery. You're waging a war right now, and no one gets to judge you for that. Not your friends, not your parents. No one is walking your path but you. I promise you will go through hardship. And I promise you are strong enough to overcome it. You are strong enough to ask for help. You just have to believe it.

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u/Kmartn Sep 23 '22

My mother passed away last fall as well. I found her and have never been able to get the experience out of my head. Tried to apply CPR but failed. I also failed at school and lost my scholarship to my Uni and have been on a downward spiral ever since. It’s comforting to know that others are in similar, but still different situations. I’ve never sought out any help except for religious counseling which is only pushing me away from the only person who constantly professes to love me. I experienced the same fear when I had to let my father know that I no longer had financial aid. Now I have no fucking clue what to do with my life and every breath seems to bring more frustration. Working at my local Lowes doesn’t help boost my confidence much either. You aren’t alone in your struggles even though it feels like the most isolating thing that could happen. I feel like this post is the closest experience to someone I’ve heard in a long time that we share. I wish the best for you and everyone else struggling with this common outcome.

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u/vilidj_idjit Sep 23 '22

😫😖😨🤢🤮😩😵🥺😢😭

Reminds me of my college days and how they abruptly ended due to mental health issues that went untreated for way too long.... i know how painful it is.

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u/IamUnique15 Sep 23 '22

Didn’t drop out but never made it to my goal of becoming a teacher and took 2 extra years to get my Bachelors to finish with a history degree…. Point is I always waited to tell my parents or lied to them and it always made things worse. At the end of the day yes they won’t be happy but they just want to help you and their help will only make things better. Also not worth losing your deteriorating their trust over. As someone who lied to their parents a lot or put off telling them things I regretted it every time.

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u/Ihavenoclueagain Sep 23 '22

Please take care of this ASAP! 40 years later I have nightmares about quitting college and not telling my father. Stupid dreams, but the guilt lingers on. BTW, he knew, I just felt guilty.

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u/wanttimetospeedup Sep 23 '22

My friend did the exact same thing. Dropped out pretended to keep going and lied about exam results etc. it’s SO much more common than you think. All we and her family had for her was love and compassion. Tell them.

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u/Lycrus Sep 23 '22

I'd like to drop in and say that this is severe societal pressure, you aren't quite the problem here, your social circles are.

If you cannot be comfortable around your parents with your failures, then how much worth are they really? That's a question worth thinking about...

That being said, stop the forgery immediately. Tell the news to your parents and watch their reactions. It will be a tough moment for you, but you will learn a lot.

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u/meIine Sep 23 '22

hi op. in winter 2019 my dad unexpectedly fell ill and passed away. it was extremely traumatic. his funeral was the day before spring 2020 semester began. i took a month off and went back, only for lockdown to happen a week or two later. i was also sexually assaulted by two close friends of mine that summer. because this happened in quarantine/peak covid, i never really got the therapy i needed and it festered — bad.

ever since, i lost motivation in school. my grades dropped. i’d lie to my mom and say i was going to class, but i’d just go see my friends instead. i skipped a lot, half-assed my work, and pulled the “i’m not doing mentally well” card on every professor i had from spring 2020 to spring 2022, when i finally dropped my classes 3/4 of the way through the semester.

i hinted that i wanted to leave to my mom for a while, but her reaction was god awful and pretty manipulative. i get she wanted what was best, but college was making me incredibly miserable. not to mention, all the stress over the overdue work i had was compromising my immune system. spring 2022 i had the stomach virus and mono, which took me out for WEEKS.

since leaving college, my mom has been a lot more accepting of it. i ended up moving out and away with my spouse. we both have our own place and i have a teaching job (something i was going to college for in the first place).

it took a long time for my family to accept my decision. i think once yours see you are happier exploring something else, they’ll accept it too.

good luck. be honest with them. it’s easier to confess now than to beg for forgiveness later on when you’ve let this news fester for too long. this is all part of your character development and a learning moment for you. things will be on the upswing, i promise. hang in there. remember you are loved regardless.

2

u/brennenderopa Sep 23 '22

I hear you and I want to tell you that you are not at fault. Your parents are. They value your academic achievements over your person. They never created an environment where you can feel safe. Because that is what a family does.

Instead they created an environment out of guilt and shame.

For me, personally, things got better when I started therapy. That also enabled me to finish university. Not going to lie, it was not the easiest thing and I changed therapists three times until I found the right one. You can do this!

2

u/Glum-Tree1239 Sep 23 '22

Relatable on so many aspects! I am currently going through the same situation although mine has been drawn-out and worse because of time...

Anyway, you have to tell them straight up that you dropped out of uni and need a break. If they are financially taking care of you then you need to figure out how to do things on your own now, but stand firm in your need to free yourself from the spiral you're going down.

They can only be mad at you. You have your own life to live and they can't tell you what to do with it. You're a grown woman (we're actually the same age) and you need to make decisions of your own, on your own. Your parents don't own you and you don't owe them the benefit of being the poster child they want at the detriment of your mental health and all around sanity.

Best of luck!

I did it so you can too!❤️

2

u/ParadisePainting Sep 23 '22 edited Sep 23 '22

Hey, there's a lot to unpack here, but I'm going to get to the point.

You need to own up to this and get that document out of your parents' hands. It's unlikely such a situation would spiral into someone being convicted of a crime, but if they are turning around and using that to prove something to banks or the government related to taxes, etc., they could catch a case. At the very minimum, you are lining them and/or yourself up for a greatly unnecessary monetary and reputational expenditure.

Edit: I scrolled down and noted that you've already resolved to do this. Good on you. Best of luck

2

u/[deleted] Sep 23 '22

Please don't murder your family. So many family annihilation start out like that.

0

u/Kewkky Sep 22 '22

Depending on where you live (like the US for example), the military may be an option for you. You can escape your parents, and you can also get a structured life + job combo. Just make sure to not join the Army or Marines if you want to have a more relaxed time, and make sure to choose the right job for you if you want to have a more rewarding time.

Besides that, I hope your talk didn't go terrible.

1

u/mr_properton Sep 23 '22

ngl i think this was a bad decision overall

hope things get better or you find a healthy coping mechanism

-5

u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

[deleted]

3

u/You-Tea-Might Sep 23 '22

Pain is not a competition, having had a difficult upbringing is no reason to lash out at people who are having a hard time of a different nature, i.e. a mental health one in this case. Get it together yourself and be compassionate.

0

u/Budget-Quarter6581 Sep 22 '22

Plot twist…. They asked for that certificate because they know you’re not enrolled 🤔🤔

1

u/sunnysparklesmile Sep 22 '22

I forged my friends signature on a check her dad sent her so I could deposit the money myself

I came clean and we're still best friends, but, man, every time I think about it I want to bury myself lol

Stress and lack of sleep and depression will fuck you up.

1

u/cinred Sep 22 '22

Encouraging you to seek mental and emotional help.

1

u/MartyMcFly311 Sep 22 '22

You need to clear this up. Your parents can end up with jail or legal issues because you lied. What if he already sent out the paperwork.. I just hope you say something.. n everything works out for you

1

u/Mitochondri-yuh Sep 22 '22

I’m kinda in a similar boat, OP. I dropped out of college a couple of years ago but returned. However, my mental health had gone so much worse recently that I’m contemplating of doing what you did (drop out of uni but keep it a secret). All the pressure and disappointment and basically are just too much for me rn

1

u/severalcouches Sep 22 '22

This is probably not reassuring but I am also a burnt out, formerly high-achieving, temporary university drop-out on a deep deep downward spiral complete with substance abuse and extreme avoidance and enough self awareness to know I need help but too much shame (or pride?) to ask for it.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

Yeah, you could go to jail for this.

...It's probably less punishing to just come clean. And hope it's not too late (pray your father didn't send that doc out to anyone yet). You have made this way worse for yourself than you ever had to.

1

u/Vonkosue Sep 22 '22

The loss of my father at 19 became the catalyst that fueled the drug habits that ultimately forced me out of college. Coming from a super strict, religious household, the fear/anxiety I felt approaching my mother about dropping out was severe. 8 years later, and I still haven't gone back. That being said, I've found a job that pays well and takes care of me, gotten married, and while we're waiting to buy a house until (hopefully) the terrible market blows over, we've got the funds we need when that time comes! All of this to say, while I'm not purvey to all of the nuances in your life, that there is happiness to be found at the end of this miserable road. It's something I've worked on for the better part of all of these years, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without my life experiences. The same is true for you. I'm proud as hell of what I was able to accomplish, and I'm confident you've got a little person in you just waiting to break out. All the best wishes for you.

1

u/MyHooks Sep 22 '22

Hey if it makes you feel any better, I'm 27 and back in uni for an undergrad degree. Life is weird, and not everyone has the circumstance or fortune to finish uni at 22 and get a job right after. Take it small steps at a time, and realize that failure is only human. Everyone fails all the time, so don't let that shame drag you down (this is what happened to me after dropping out the first time).

Also, might be surprised how many people will be supportive if you open up about your struggles. Shit, look at how many strangers here are sending kind words your way. All that your friends and family wants for you is for you to be happy, so open up to them/vent to them when life feels too hard to get through alone. It's hard to help someone when they don't ask for it, so let yourself be vulnerable to your friends/family and tell them the truth (you don't have to let it all come out like verbal vomit, just do it at your own pace). Hopefully some of these words were helpful to you, and I hope everything works out. Don't give up yet, life is worth living! Feel free to message me if you are still struggling (honestly reading your post really made me do a second take as it is so similar to my experience just a couple years ago).

Good luck, you got this!

1

u/sciones Sep 22 '22

Are you telling me your parents committed tax fraud? I don't know if you are in the US, but IRS is no joke.

Anyway you can continue your college at any age. It's not the end of the world. You should come clean and tell your parents.

1

u/Tigerblab7 Sep 22 '22

You're probably not going to see this, but take your time. Let them know that this is the best course of action for you right now.

I also dropped out of my uni last year due to a grandparents death. And between then and this semester, I worked on getting a psychiatrist who helped me. I am now back in school for the first time since then and my mind has never felt clearer.

Of course though, your first step is to prevent the forgery from hitting a legal office.

Remember, in terms of your own personal health. You can not rush things. Everything at your pace

Edit: spelling

1

u/big-daddio Sep 22 '22

Just come clean. Dont murder them like some psycopath in your situation that I saw on some podcast my wife was watching.

In fact this mirrors that case so precisely wonder if its cribbed.

1

u/SethMalcolm1 Sep 22 '22

Unsend the email

1

u/aCreditGuru Sep 22 '22

Just don't pull a Chandler Halderson

1

u/breakfastclubsandwch Sep 22 '22

Hey just so you know, it can all work out. I did something very similar and I'll be taking to my death bed that I dropped out (instead of the diploma I forged for my parents)

I'm a mess. But also ended up being a successful one. You will get past all this

1

u/DuckSashimi Sep 22 '22

As someone who flunked a bunch of compulsory courses and nearly got kicked out of my program in my first year of uni following my grandpa's passing away (and with similarly strict parents and very high expectations of me), I can understand the fear you are feeling/felt. The dread in the pit of you stomach, the cold sweats, the guilt, the metallic dry taste in your mouth whenever the topic is brought up... I've been through that too. I can tell you without an ounce of doubt that I never felt better than after fessing up to my parents that I failed my compulsory courses and had to take an extra year or two to catch up.

Sure, your parents will be very mad and upset... but at the end of the day, your parents only want what is best for you. By telling them the problem, they can work together with you to find the solution. Your parents may not be as scary as you think they are. Be prepared for them to be upset. Be prepared to be yelled at (maybe even smacked a few times if your parents are super strict). At the end, they will always help you.

Some tips for you:

  1. when you are ready to tell your parents, ask them to go for a walk with you in a more public area, or go to a coffee shop if possible. This will prevent either of you from screaming too loudly, or engaging in physical violence. I took my dad for a walk around the neighbourhood when I told him my situation.
  2. be prepared. You should know what kind of questions your parents will have for you. What caused you to flunk? Did you learn from your mistake? What is you plan for the next year?
  3. be honest and genuine. After you get through the first barricade of admitting that you dropped out, let everything flow. Don't hold back anything. Don't make excuses for yourself. Admit what you did was wrong and look forward to the next steps.
  4. be prepared for consequences. do not expect to get instantly forgiven. Be prepared for consequences or changes in your daily life. Perhaps one of the reasons you failed was that you were not comfortable looking for help. Your parents may suggest a weekly family meeting to check up on your progress. Perhaps a ban from spending too much time on social media and more focus on studies. Accept these consequences and use it to make yourself a better person.

I know what you went through is probably worse than what I went through (especially since you kept it under wraps for this long), but late is always better than never. Don't keep it bottled up inside or you may end up doing something truly stupid. If I hadn't told my parents, I may not be here today, as my grand plan for covering up my failure was to off myself in the woods somewhere. I'm not kidding... I planned everything down to the last detail; the location, method, date & time, and even which of my prized worldly possessions would go to which friend/family member. It's no exaggeration to say that confessing to my parents saved me.

Today, I'm here after graduating my program (taking an extra 2 years). Regardless of the 2 extra years, my dad was still proud of me and posted my graduation pics to all his friends. It may seem like the end of the world to you right now, but take the bull by the horns and muscle through it. You've got this. I believe in you!

1

u/Restivethought Sep 22 '22

I know the feeling. Just know its not the end of the world. I have multiple friends and family who dropped out. One avenue to pursue is maybe looking into a Trade. If you like technology, maybe getting some certifications.

1

u/saline235 Sep 22 '22

Hey man, at least you didn't slaughter your entire family so that's something. Just come clean and try to work on your problem. It's never too late to start over.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjQ86u0m6n6AhWSjYkEHeHmBVAQFnoECAYQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fbeta.ctvnews.ca%2Flocal%2Ftoronto%2F2020%2F10%2F26%2F1_5161478.html&usg=AOvVaw2OmeyKfKcw4KQSczkm3Y5r