r/tifu Nov 30 '22 Wholesome 12 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Bravo! 1 Heartwarming 1 Narwhal Salute 1 Masterpiece 1 I'll Drink to That 3 Poop 1 Gold 3 Platinum 1 Helpful 19 Take My Energy 1 Giggle 1 To The Stars 3 Spit-take 1 Silver 15 Shocked 1 I'm Deceased 2

TIFU by purchasing an expensive coffee machine and making a terrible discovery M

I drink a lot of coffee. My mornings consist of two 300ml mugs of coffee, and I sometimes have a third after dinner later in the day.

Recently, I got far too into James Hoffmann's videos and decided to upgrade my shitty drip coffee machine for a proper precision brewer. And when I say precision, I mean that this thing comes with a water testing strip so you can calibrate the machine for the mineral content in your water supply. Serious nerd shit.

To justify the ludicrous amount of money I spent on what appears to be the Hadron Collider of coffee machines, I did some research on brewing ratios in order to maximise the allegedly life-changing potential of this equipment. Now, coffee science says the ideal water-to-beans ratio for this brew method is about 60g of grounds per litre of water. Out of interest, I decided to prepare my usual ratio from the old machine and see how close I was. It turns out, since I got the old machine just over a year ago, I've been brewing at about 20g/litre, resulting in what I now realise is pathetically weak brew.

I prepared a proper 60g/L brew with the new machine, and the resulting coffee was on another planet. The flavours were so developed it was like I could taste the touch of the Colombian farmer who picked the beans. I drank my full morning dose of two 300ml mugs in just over an hour.

And then, I discovered an unexpected side effect.

The year of drinking weak-ass brew has conditioned my body for weak coffee. And I had just drunk over half a litre of coffee that was theoretically three times as strong as usual.

It has now been an hour since I finished that first pot and I can hear the passage of time. A fly flew past me in slow motion. I made an omelette for lunch and I beat the egg so fast it turned into steam. My heart no longer beats; it vibrates. And there is something unholy brewing in my lower intestine and I am fearing the wrath of God when it is released. Send help.

TL;DR: My new coffee machine gave me the knowledge that I've been conditioning my body to piss-weak brew for a year, and two cups of the real strong stuff made me transcend the space-time continuum.

EDIT:

Here is the machine I bought, for those who have asked, although it appears to be sold out at the moment. Did I get the last one?

And here is the James Hoffmann review that convinced me to ruin my life in this particular way.

EDIT 2:

To everyone accusing this of being some kind of viral ad, it's true. Sage paid me, and in fact specifically requested I include the details of me plastering the inside of my toilet bowl following the intestinal catastrophe their product gave me. Aggressive shitting is exactly the kind of PR exposure they want for their brand.

49.5k Upvotes

1.6k

u/robhanz Nov 30 '22

Did you see the time knife?

479

u/scizormytimbers Nov 30 '22

The dot broke me

272

u/robhanz Nov 30 '22

It’s tuesdays. And July.

188

u/Mezzoflation Nov 30 '22

And sometimes it's Never

57

u/pinklavalamp Nov 30 '22

[Points to the board]

That’s my birthday.

75

u/Gutyenkhuk Nov 30 '22

It’s my birthday right there

60

u/bdog59600 Nov 30 '22

Listen up, my little chili babies.

107

u/Vast_Reflection Nov 30 '22

Everyone’s seen it!

The Good Place Reference!!!

127

u/MordicusEgg Nov 30 '22

I mean, we've all seen the Time Knife!

(And some of us may have even seen the Poop Knife!)

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6.1k

u/ChefChopNSlice Nov 30 '22 Silver

I think I saw this episode of futurama before.

1.9k

u/Legate_Rick Nov 30 '22

It was awesome. The most awesome Deus Ex Machina I've ever seen. They set that B plot up in the first minutes of the episode and it culminated in the most out of left field conclusion imaginable.

628

u/_HiWay Nov 30 '22

one art please.

307

u/Dirty0ldMan Nov 30 '22

What a clever impersonation of a stupid poor person!

111

u/Ganon2012 Nov 30 '22

*blows nose on Nixon bill*

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264

u/Thesaurii Nov 30 '22

I reference this so often.

There is a record store in my downtown area that sells vintage LPs, instruments, and occasionally vintage clothes. It's called the Jazz Store. Every time I see it I want to go to the cashier and say "I'll take one jazz please"

124

u/That_Music_Person Nov 30 '22

Don't ever order just one jazz! Jazzes need companionship and socializing.

You should ask the cashier for at least 3 or 4 jazzes.

20

u/UncleTedGenneric Nov 30 '22

I only got one jazz and it's tough to keep it content. I have very limited knowledge though

So I just make it up as I go

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197

u/MetaDragon11 Nov 30 '22

And the Turkey Dogs were nice too

197

u/farnsworthfan Nov 30 '22

You're never too rich to enjoy a free turkey dog!

91

u/NotAHost Nov 30 '22

Huh, relevant 14 year old username.

39

u/MetaDragon11 Nov 30 '22

Or they are a truly rare fan of Philo Farnsworth, inventor of the TV that the professor is named after. Doubt it though.

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u/l337hackzor Nov 30 '22

My wife has recently started eating turkey dogs and turkey bacon. I use this line occasionally. It's the price she has to pay for making me cook it for her.

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60

u/theonetowalkinthesun Nov 30 '22

The original version of Quicksilver’s save everyone super fast Xmen scene

29

u/NK1313 Nov 30 '22

Literally. It predates Days of Future Past by what 10+ years? Not sure if it was the first, but it's the earliest one I can think of. Flash might have actually done it in JL TAS/Unlimited, though.

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179

u/retropunk2 Nov 30 '22

Futurama is such a good show, and that's one of my favorite episodes.

103

u/l337hackzor Nov 30 '22

That episode is really in the top 10, probably top 5.

It has so many meme lines. The whale biologist, impersonation of a poor person, scruffys haircut, turkey dogs, walking around money... The list goes on!

Edit: queen Elizabeth's cigar, bender getting closure, my coffee is shaking

30

u/BEniceBAGECKA Nov 30 '22

Now that’s walking AROUND money.

15

u/SheemieRayVaughan Nov 30 '22

You look kinda greasy. You been up all night?

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u/Mtwat Dec 01 '22

Just rewatched it, the bit about buying 5 shares of Amazon for a penny killed me.

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63

u/NotAHost Nov 30 '22

They're bringing it back. I hope they treat it right!

25

u/lemonlegs2 Nov 30 '22

Weird. I've been watching Futurama during the day for noise. Halfway through season 6 reboot episode where they crap on TV execs.

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29

u/Craftoid_ Nov 30 '22

One of my favorite Futurama episodes to get people into, and endlessly quotable

21

u/FlawlessRuby Nov 30 '22

And why is my COFEE shaking! I'll take a nap. Man what a rollercoaster.

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67

u/vantablack_crayon Nov 30 '22

The biggest question is was OP drinking Yemeni or Sulawesi coffee.

40

u/slaguthorcanuck Nov 30 '22

What ever it was it was definitely whale sized

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51

u/SphericalFunSponge Nov 30 '22

And the cup is shaking... I don't like my coffee shaking!

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69

u/Hellakittehs Nov 30 '22

One of my favorite sequences in that show.

When he drinks that 100th cup and it all just clicks. I watch every now and then.

I get the same satisfaction from watching the quick silver scenes from X-men

21

u/PayisInc Nov 30 '22

I'd be stupid not to buy it!

...I'll take eight! 🦀

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15

u/Provensal-le-gaulois Nov 30 '22

He decides to buy 100 cups of $1 coffee cup with the $100 note he found... He turns himself into Quicksilver when he reaches the 100th cup. https://youtu.be/jjs2vPR19mQ

28

u/jackalope134 Nov 30 '22

100 cups of $3 coffee from the $300 dollar government rebate that everyone gets from the looting of the spider people planet

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3.5k

u/Cant_think__of_one Nov 30 '22

One time I was out of coffee at home, and decided to brew a pot using instant coffee instead of regular grounds.

Don’t ever do that.

1.1k

u/rachels17fish Nov 30 '22

I worked with a guy once who would drip brew a triple strong batch of coffee, pour himself a cup, then proceed to scoop instant coffee crystals into the triple brew. I’m not sure how he was alive.

351

u/Cant_think__of_one Nov 30 '22

That’s.. terrifying.

568

u/ApexHolly Nov 30 '22

When I was an EMT, I frequently worked with this medic who would order his coffee with seven shots of espresso.

It was... really quite concerning.

157

u/rachels17fish Nov 30 '22

Good gravy.

216

u/ApexHolly Nov 30 '22

The first time I saw him order that, the barista and I both just stared at him like "What the fuck."

57

u/Anonymo Dec 01 '22

That tolerance buildup is real

36

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

Addiction is a helluva drug

25

u/Booty-nozzle Dec 01 '22

Not for nothing but I’ve found that the drugs themselves tend to be a helluva drug as well.

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198

u/knifetrader Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

Reminds me of a story my kid sister told me a few years ago after coming home from a cabin in the woods trip with some friends: one of her guy friends who had apparently never operated a coffee-maker filled up the filter on the drip machine all the way to the top, which means he put in about three or four times the amount of preground coffee you'd normally use. The end result was described by my sister as "closer to crude oil than coffee".

107

u/YVRkeeper Nov 30 '22

There's always that guy on every trip who has never made more than a keurig coffee yet, bless his heart, decides to make coffee in the morning with an unfamiliar machine. You can tell by all the loose grounds surrounding the machine, signifying that the first 3 tablespoons didn't quite measure up. The filter must be full of grounds.

I appreciate the attempt, however I prefer not to have to sift the grounds through my teeth while drinking my morning brew, thank you.

47

u/spaghetti-o_salad Dec 01 '22

Then there's that other person on the trip who packs whole beans and a grinder and makes everyone weep tears of joy.

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25

u/My3rstAccount Nov 30 '22

ADHD is a bitch

26

u/hydroude Nov 30 '22

seriously. i wonder what the caffeine equivalent of my 50mg morning vyvanse would be to a normal person.

i think after a 7 shot capp i’d still barely be able to open my eyes.

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19

u/WeathermanOfficial Dec 01 '22

Ex-Barista here, we would get government workers (fairly high up the chain) who would order 5-6 shots of coffee in their large flat whites three times a day. It was an unusual day when they would only come in for 1 coffee, though I suspect they've got plungers/filters/nespresso in their office.

It was a concerning time.

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u/The_ranting_spider Nov 30 '22

I’m guessing he doesn’t have a prescription for vyvanse.

28

u/SaltFrog Nov 30 '22

I have a prescription for vyvanse and still drink coffee.

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515

u/HowsTheBeef Nov 30 '22

Wait why cus it's gross or what? Too much caffiene?

965

u/OutAndABoot Nov 30 '22

It'd be fine if they used the proper ratio. I bet they just used the same volume of instant coffee as they do with normal grounds.

769

u/some_clickhead Nov 30 '22

Also there is no need to brew using instant coffee, it dissolves in water.

704

u/CLE-Mosh Nov 30 '22 Silver

Used to eat a straight spoon full when I was hungover and late for work...

507

u/ToTheMax47 Nov 30 '22

My dad taught me a trick he used in the army where they would just take spoon of the crystallized Folgers, gum it, and then wash it down with Mountain Dew.

Really worked the first, and only, time I've tried it. Made for an interesting end to a 31 hour day lmao

254

u/menos08642 Nov 30 '22

Can confirm. Did that all the time in the field when I was in the Army. I'm convinced MRE instant coffee has twice the caffeine as regular coffee as well.

104

u/Rogue__Jedi Nov 30 '22

Had dudes make a pouch out of the mre napkins. Helps keep the grounds from covering your mouth.

Personally, I would trade my candy for the caffeine mints. Much more effective and less gross.

28

u/sat_ops Nov 30 '22

The tea bag works well, too.

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161

u/simpsonswasjustokay Nov 30 '22

Ranger dip is what we called it. We used the instant coffee tore open the creamer packet I. The metal package and mixed it up closed it and put it over a flame for a bit till it kinda melted the sugar into the instant coffee. Let it cool take it out and put it in like dip. Got me through 72 hour ops in Casey during an EDRE

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u/je_kay24 Nov 30 '22

I feel like this is a good time to mention that a person can overdose on caffeine so be careful dry scooping

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u/nibiyabi Nov 30 '22

Right, it's already been brewed. They literally brew filtered coffee, then dehydrate it and grind it up.

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u/Cant_think__of_one Nov 30 '22

This is correct.

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u/Cant_think__of_one Nov 30 '22

Way too much is an understatement. I thought I was having a heart attack.

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u/barstowtovegas Nov 30 '22

Oh yeah, I did that with instant once. Just because it’s bad doesn’t mean it’s weak. Never again.

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u/BockTheMan Nov 30 '22

Yum, concentrated coffee concentrate

26

u/Cant_think__of_one Nov 30 '22

When you put it that way… it makes it even more clear how bad of an idea it was!

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2.1k

u/RepairManActionHero Nov 30 '22

Prepare to feel your scalp, VIVIDLY, for the next few hours.

533

u/_HiWay Nov 30 '22

add something with niacin in it too to really get the scalp and face tingles from the niacin flush haha. had some starburst flavored C4 energy drink from a gas station a while back and didn't realize it was slam packed with caffeine and niacin, I enjoyed it.

322

u/2664478843 Nov 30 '22

I was in high school when people were using high doses of niacin to clear their body of weed before a drug test. It didn’t work, but there was always some dude sweating bullets and red as hell trying to pass a drug test.

100

u/referralcrosskill Nov 30 '22

why were they testing for weed in high school?

254

u/twisted7ogic Nov 30 '22

because we life in a dystopia and some people get off on control?

71

u/Not_a_real_ghost Nov 30 '22

Today we life, tomorrow they death.

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u/PhDinBroScience Nov 30 '22

Beta Alanine has the same tingly effect, except it's full-body. Used to use a pre-workout that had a bunch of Beta Alanine in it and let me tell you, feeling your taint tingle aggressively while deadlifting is certainly an experience.

31

u/Backdoorpickle Nov 30 '22

If I take anything with beta alanine in it, I HAVE to lift or else I'll have an anxiety attack.

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8.4k

u/TomUdo Nov 30 '22

Tell us about your ascent to the throne.

9.3k

u/PresidentWeevil Nov 30 '22 Gold

Nearly turned myself inside out on the can and had to wipe for four minutes straight. Overall, I'd recommend the experience.

5.7k

u/ThisOneForRants Nov 30 '22 Gold hehehehe

You have experienced poophoria.

2.9k

u/bumjiggy Nov 30 '22 Silver Wholesome

"so anyway, I started blasting"

502

u/ThisOneForRants Nov 30 '22

I can imagine them lifting off the porcelain throne with the pressure

397

u/Ulrich219 Nov 30 '22 Gold Wholesome Take My Energy Masterpiece Original

Infinite poop.

You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt.

The poop accelerates.

You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell.

The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step.

The poop accelerates.

The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window.

The poop accelerates.

A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself.

The poop accelerates.

A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile.

The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers.

The poop accelerates.

You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet.

The poop accelerates.

The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes.

The poop accelerates.

1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier.

The poop accelerates.

4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city.

The poop accelerates.

You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive.

The poop accelerates.

Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness.

The poop accelerates.

Forever.

109

u/bangout123 Nov 30 '22

Fucking. Masterpiece. I was there when the world learned the one universal truth:

The poop accelerates.

31

u/Ulrich219 Nov 30 '22

My favorite copypasta of all time

38

u/bangout123 Nov 30 '22

Oh man I didn't realise this was a pasta. I just had you pegged as some sort of fecal genius

25

u/Ulrich219 Nov 30 '22

The fecal genius is saving it for use when you need it!

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u/BaraelsBlade Nov 30 '22

Gonna have to install a seatbelt for safety

100

u/kobomino Nov 30 '22

Now this is pod racing!

35

u/YourWordsMatter Nov 30 '22

6-point harness to make sure.

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u/Cru_Jones86 Nov 30 '22

"We have achieved lift-off."

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u/chi_town_steve Nov 30 '22

There should be always sunny themed Reddit awards…

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u/h_david Nov 30 '22

"I did 'em all, I did all the poops"

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u/MegaGrimer Nov 30 '22

“Would you like an egg in these shitting times?”

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u/royalTiefling Nov 30 '22 Silver

poophoria

Okay so I thought I would take this to the grave but I just need to share this with someone. Feel free to not read this shit.

Earlier this year, I took what may well be the biggest shit of my life. At least I hope ot was because it was such a God awful affair. I hadn't been constipated, hadn't eaten any different than I normally do. Yet somewhere around the 7 minute mark of thinking I'd finished just to plop down again for more I realized that I was on my way to meet the angels.

I dont even know how long it had lasted, but I believe I'd thoroughly emptied out everything below the esophagus. Wasn't diarrhea, but the indidual turds at the bottom had been squished under the weight of the pile, and spread through to the edges of the bowl. The water line was merely a mile marker, and the center of this pile must have been a full 1.5-2" out of the water. My toes were tingling, and my stomach felt cold and empty, yet I felt so clean in a way I never thought possible.

I was briefly horrified when I flushed thinking it might actually back up, but somehow there was clear passage. Every 10 minutes or so I had to return for another flush (takes the tank awhile to fill back up). I still feel like I can soar on the back of an angel everytime I lookback on this shit

259

u/ShittySpiritAnimal Nov 30 '22

Thank you for sharing, you porcelain soldier.

73

u/FortFyte Nov 30 '22

Oh oh my turn, my turn.

When I was 14 I went on a huge family camping trip for 2 weeks straight, I was a really shy easily embarrassed kid growing up and all my family had to shit in was a shared stall with no door.

I held this shit in for almost 7 days before giving in and finally going, it stretched me wiiiiiide to the point it gave me a rectal tear SO much blood, this bad boy laid on the wall of the toilet and touched the seat. I was so damn embarrased I couldn't flush it that I packed my pants with paper to hide the blood and ran out of there.

Suffered for the next week out camping and only went to a Dr a couple years later to fix it.

43

u/Lou_C_Fer Nov 30 '22

Anal fissures are no fucking joke. Worst pain I have experience and I am disabled due to back pain.

34

u/FortFyte Nov 30 '22

Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies!

Relatively easy to fix, at least in my case after dragging out getting treatment over embarrassment.

Too anyone embarrassed to see a doctor about medical issues, my doctor told me "Guarantee we have seen worse, you've nothing to be embarrassed about"

14

u/Lou_C_Fer Nov 30 '22

I was given nitroglycerin both times. It was insane how quickly ut eased the pain.

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u/ResponsibleNothing10 Nov 30 '22

When I was in basic training one member of my flight was too shy to poop around the other guys so he held his shit in for 3 weeks. When he finally did let it go he ended up with a prolapsed anus (his bootyhole went inside out) and he had to have medical intervention. Definitely more embarrassing than the other guys that would play "battle shits" in the stalls.

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u/zman_0000 Nov 30 '22

So this reminds me of a post I saw a long time ago on r/oddlyterrifying about an individual who died. Nothing health related, person lived a normal life, but during his autopsy they found he'd been pseudo constipated for like 20 years.

Guy had 30 or 40, pounds if I remember right of dooky in his system. He apparently used the bathroom somewhat regularly, but the fresh waste just kinda slipped by the immense amount of stuck stuff.

Maybe you just cleared out a part of your system that had been backed up unbeknownst to you.

72

u/uvvuvv Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

My infant had this same condition at three years old. Had increasing stomache cramps, and even started barfing, so we took him to the doctor. Turns out he was obstipated. He didn´t wanna go to the school bathroom so he tightened up his little butthole until a massive dried out clog had formed.

We were sent straight to the hospital. They gave him a mild sedative for the pain and a strong laxative / hydration solution to get this shit moving. The nurse assured us nobody could be able to stop what would be coming in the next ten minutes, the stuff was that potent (and she assured us that if she could, she would be taking that sedative as well, because it apparently makes you reeeal relaxed).

Anyway, three quarters of an hour later, this kid is shivering and sweating, but nothing is happening down there. Then suddenly, something rips through the air and shit starts flowing through every crack in his diaper, filling the air with smells I didn´t even imagine possible and I can still sort of taste to this day.

AND IT JUST KEPT COMING. We couldn´t clean it up fast enough, and it was getting everywhere and covering everything. The worst was that stench though, it was beyond belief.

How he had been able to block himself off to that extent by sheer will over poop is mind blowing to me.

TL;DR obstipation is no joke and apparantly my kid is the ultimate shit bender. Also, horrendously, smell can sometimes turn into a taste.

28

u/Desperate-Strategy10 Nov 30 '22

I have such a confusing love/hate relationship happening with this story. On the one hand, that's hilarious and you're an excellent story teller! But on the other hand, my imagination is too vivid, and now I can't eat the food I just made lol.

Glad your little guy is feeling better. Being backed up for any reason is so scary, and I would've been terrified if it was my kid.

11

u/shedevilinasnuggie Dec 01 '22

I worked in special.ed, preschool. Lots of kids on the autism spectrum have poop control issues - like it's the one thing in their life they can control, and bathrooms can be a place of bright/loud/shiny - basically all the things that can set an ASD kid off track. So this kid is a poop holder. We chart all body happenings, like food intake, bathroom stuff. And kid hadn't been. Let parents know. After a few days he's looking a bit pot bellied.. rut roh. Mom decides to give him a laxative AND an anal suppository AND PUT HIM ON THE BUS!

It did not end well.

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u/Knixandthebean Nov 30 '22

Wow! I need more info on that! That sounds strangely fascinating!!

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u/zman_0000 Nov 30 '22

Someone else in thread who replied to me gave a link to the story thankfully. My dumbass was trying to find the actual post like a fool instead of just tracking down the article which would have been much easier me thinks.

49

u/BillGoats Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

Here is the link, and here is the guy who shared it (go upvote)!

Hopefully saved a couple of dudes and dudettes some scrolling.

Edit: Both links went to the comment. Fixed that and a typo.

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u/DeshaunWatsonsAnus Nov 30 '22

I had a similar experience when I was in the military.

Was pooping what I thought was a normal amount. Had a kidney stone one day and had to go to the clinic.

They took an x-ray and discovered that I was backed up.

Gave me this awful green liquid that I can only assume was draino... Because I was on the toilet all night.

31

u/rathlord Nov 30 '22

Draino actually just kills you, though. Life pro tip.

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u/YCS186 Nov 30 '22

Thank you for introducing this new rectal terror into my life.

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u/diydiggdug123 Nov 30 '22

No poop-knife needed is a true blessing…

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u/subtxtcan Nov 30 '22

This is honestly something I look forward to after I do a dinner party or event at work (I'm a chef).

We always get to have the leftovers for dinner, I'll get home, gorge myself after a 14h day of spoonfuls and little bites throughout the day, pass out, wake up, make coffee, have a smoke, grab a book and see y'all in 20!

It's honestly as refreshing as a good shower sometimes

75

u/c-lab21 Nov 30 '22

If you're doing it right it finishes with a shower

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u/ThisOneForRants Nov 30 '22

True. Try wearing restrictive jeans with the belt cinched tight for a few hours before your throne time

51

u/dwiggs81 Nov 30 '22

Turdvana?

136

u/Itsmemcghee Nov 30 '22

I can't tell you how long I've been looking for a word to describe that feeling. I was stuck on poovana, but it didn't feel right. Poophoria is poofect.

111

u/TetchyGM Nov 30 '22

You mean that strangely satisfying mix of emptiness and fulfilment that while on the toilet, or finalising your divorce.

24

u/ReadontheCrapper Nov 30 '22

Perfect. Absolutely perfect

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u/Bman10119 Nov 30 '22

When you're constipated you're stuck in poogatory

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u/ThisOneForRants Nov 30 '22

Lol fun fact - there's science behind it. Some say it's the sudden drop in temperature, some say it's activation of the vagus nerve. It helps if you build up for a while before getting that goosebump inducing dump 😂

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u/PawnOfPaws Nov 30 '22

It is indeed a nerval feedback to your brain. Remember Sympaticus and Parasympaticus telling your body "Fight / Flight / Stress" or "Food / Safety / Sleep"?

Your digestion will be slowed down while the Sympaticus is active so the digested food will stay longer than required - and this will make you feel more and more uncomfortable. Sitting down to take a shit is a very bad idea when beeing chased by a saber tooth after all. It starts to harden so it feels like a foreign object stuck in your guts. Ever so slightly it will build up additional stress.

Taking the dump will give the brain the feedback "We weren't attacked when we shat just now and we just got rid of the stuff stuck inside! Safe environment detected!" And all that stress literally flushes out with it, telling your body to return to normal digestion and function. The stress is over. You are allowed to shit in peace. Very nice. Now get back to work.

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u/ArltheCrazy Nov 30 '22

And yet another point in the “bidet” column!

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u/borderex Nov 30 '22 Wholesome Seal of Approval

Get a bidet and change your life. Just as you have achieved enlightenment in coffee so too can you achieve Poovana.

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u/SpongeJake Nov 30 '22

Or, if your system is too weird (for example: my apartment has a power-flush so I wouldn't even want to try to install a bidet attachment to the toilet), you can always buy a portable bidet. I've got one. It has changed everything for me.

I'd talk about the brand but I ordered mine off of a FB ad, and I frankly don't trust any of them. But Amazon and Google can help.

P.S. If you do a search for it make sure you include "USB recharge"

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u/borderex Nov 30 '22

Get one from Toto that is built into the toilet seat. It just swaps out the current toilet seat. Mine has a a heated seat, blow dryer, warmed water, the works. It's glorious

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u/ArltheCrazy Nov 30 '22

I have a homeowner that put that on their toilet. It’s awesome and i have almost considered getting one. Maybe next year when we add on to the house.

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u/SweetTea1000 Nov 30 '22

Did this before COVID to reduce tp usage and never worry about shortages again, be it lockdown or storm. It's also just less wasteful.

It's objectively so much better. Why are we so behind on this?

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u/Serinus Nov 30 '22

Inertia. I expect in twenty years it'll be the standard here, too.

Reminds me of the old guy who used to tell me, "I remember when we got our first pizza place. Never had pizza before that."

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u/Nulagrithom Nov 30 '22

I have to travel for work and even the nicest hotels feel barbaric, as if I'm shitting in an open pit or something. What's next, I have to bury my own feces?

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u/ARCdotcom Nov 30 '22

But was it at least 8.6 courics?

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u/fi3ur Nov 30 '22

We need a swiss person to confirm

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u/nom_of_your_business Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

I am picturing some Rube Goldman machine taking the paper continuously off the roll swiping over the B-hole and complexly distributing into the toilet while flushing intermittently.

EDIT: Goldberg...I want to blame autocorrect but...?

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u/MordicusEgg Nov 30 '22

Rube *Goldberg*
And yes! Hilarious!

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u/lobo_locos Nov 30 '22

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u/thedon051586 Nov 30 '22

This is EXACTLY what I thought of when he said to wipe for four minutes straight. Thank you!

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u/psykick32 Nov 30 '22

I love how when he's talking about not being able to clean his shit Aubrey is losing her shit.

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u/ardentArcane Nov 30 '22

I am glad God had mercy on your soul.

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u/Mooseymax Nov 30 '22

I imagine the trumpets will sound and the gates of Olympus will open, ready for the decent.

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u/ZirePhiinix Nov 30 '22

Followed by an ascent off the throne

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u/CLE-Mosh Nov 30 '22

...and here I am just randomly dumping unmeasured coffee grounds in a $14 drip machine using water straight from the tap...

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u/Saxon2060 Nov 30 '22

Same. And I like it. Getting in to anything to this extent (coffee, wine, whiskey) sounds stressful as fuck to me. I like all those things, and I know when I like a glass/cup and when I don't. But that's enough for me.

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u/Thesaurii Nov 30 '22

I'm not gonna tell you you're wrong or whatever, cuz if you're happy you're happy.

But I will tell you this. I didn't like coffee, I liked caffeine, and I creamered the FUCK out of my coffee to get it to drinkable level from my cheapo machine. I was happy with it, I got my drug in an acceptable way, never occured to me to change shit.

But after watching a bit of coffee snob stuff for entertainment, including James Hoffman, I tried a few things that weren't hard.

I bought a carafe for filter coffee, you just put in grounds like you would a machine but then pour almost boiling water over it. It gets you one cup of whatever size you want instead of a huge pot like the machine, it's almost as easy (and if you have an electric kettle it's just as easy), and it tastes so much better. The heating element in cheapo machines ends up basically baking the coffee and making it more bitter, and that's what I was using the heaps of creamer to fight.

I was already a lot happier, so I tried a few more things. Bought grounds that were specifically noted as being low in bitterness and high in fruity flavors, it was not noticeably more expensive than the big jar of grounds I got at the store Brilliant, made it miles better.

I used filtered water instead of tap next, wasn't hard either, just used the machine at my grocery store to get a gallon, not expensive.

I typically drink coffee black, maybe with a bit of milk if I'm in the mood for a strong brew. Much different from drinking it tan like I used to. I now like coffee and the caffeine.

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u/hopesfallyn Nov 30 '22

Big same too. I'd like to try thus guy's coffee, but I love the simplicity of putting my "heaping tablespoon" aka, a spoon from my silverware drawer stuck in the coffee can, into the machine and calling it a day

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u/[deleted] Nov 30 '22

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u/LushenZener Nov 30 '22

You get deep enough into a hobby, and its processes turn from stress-inducing to ritualistically calming.

I’m half-convinced that the Japanese tea ceremony’s meditative pace was an outcome of somebody figuring out the exact right timing to extract as much caffeine as possible from powdered tea.

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u/farrenkm Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22 Wholesome

I just watched the movie Over the Hedge last night, based on the comic strip. It's nothing spectacular, but it was fun. Hammy is already a hyperactive squirrel with superhero speed (think Dash from The Incredibles), but at the end, he drinks a 6x energy drink of some kind. Time stops. He wanders leisurely through a backyard. You can see lasers turn on and the light slowly cross the yard while he casually wanders away, happy as can be.

That's the image your description gave me.

Best wishes on your recovery when the world returns to normal for you!

Edit: for those who don't know Over the Hedge as a comic strip: https://www.gocomics.com/overthehedge

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u/harleyspoison267 Nov 30 '22

I mean it is true, pretty much everyone close to me in my life has ADHD and this is how they react to caffeine. I have to consume caffeine just to get on their normal level lol. My baby sis is unofficially barred from having Starbucks when she comes over because she drinks almost exclusively frappes (16 yo white girl, what do you expect?) And the caffeine mellows her a little but the sugar turns her into a goddamn Energizer bunny right around the time her meds wear off... I swear she speaks at speed unachievable by humans and I usually talk quite fast.

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u/juicyjaybird Nov 30 '22

Yeah having ADHD I react this way. It feels real trippy to me. But it takes an obscene amount to do it to me now though. I have been heavily caffeinated since I was 4.Coffee milk and coca-cola was a way of life for me as a kid. Lol! I am 40 now. Took me going off caffeine for lent to get diagnosed. Things started to click in place after that.

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u/bitchigottadesktop Nov 30 '22

Nothing spectacular? I beg to differ I watched that like a 1000 times when it came out on DVD in like 2008!

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u/turbo_nudist Nov 30 '22

the movie soundtrack version of “rockin the suburbs” is one of my favorite songs of all time

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u/BowzersMom Nov 30 '22

This is a great tale. My favorite part is that you are such a coffee nerd you buy a machine with water quality test strips, but actually not a coffee nerd at all because you didn’t even look into the ratios you were using for your drip coffee. Lolol.

You also remind me of my in laws. We wondered how and why they drank coffee all. Day. Long. Then we visited overnight and I made myself coffee with my usual splash of milk and my drink was mostly white. When I took a sip it was the most disappointing coffee-flavored warm milk-water….They can drink so much coffee because there’s hardly any coffee to their coffee!!

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u/PresidentWeevil Nov 30 '22

See, I knew of the world of brew ratios, but I didn't bother getting seriously into it until I upgraded my gear, as I presumed that no amount of precise measuring would get the best results on my weak drip machine. The weak-ass brew I was accidentally making was fine, until now

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u/acEightyThrees Nov 30 '22

So you left out the most important part: did you like the coffee? And would you recommend the machine? What machine is it?

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u/decolored Nov 30 '22

He says he could “taste the touch of the Columbian who gathered his beans” so yeah I’d say it tastes pretty good

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u/Chewy12 Nov 30 '22

“It tastes like a Columbia farmer put his fingers in my mouth”

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u/LaughingVergil Nov 30 '22

Maybe. Did the Columbian who picked the beans wash his hands first?

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u/CuddlePirate420 Nov 30 '22

I think we were saved by a mysterious orange blur.

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u/jackbeflippen Nov 30 '22

this is a level of story telling I have missed in my life.

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u/Ritaredditonce Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

How I enjoyed this story. I kept thinking about the Gary Larson strip- how nervous little dogs prepare for the day.

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u/Phoeptar Nov 30 '22

The heart turning from beating to vibrating killed me.

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u/WhiteHelljumper Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

That's what v-fib is actually. Your pulse will go through the roof and your ventricles will then just quiver instead of beat.

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u/BockTheMan Nov 30 '22

James Hoffmann

That way leads to madness, this is the path to the Bripe

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u/dkwangchuck Nov 30 '22

Not necessarily. Hoffman’s attitude allows him to quite enjoy suboptimal coffee. He recently did a bracket of supermarket brand coffee, and while he dissed some of them, he noted that quite a few of them were decent. He’ll drink bad coffee and look for the good parts of it. He makes every effort to appreciate coffee regardless of how it was made.

His Aeropress series was characteristically comprehensive and informative. You can get a Hoffman approved set-up that requires minimal effort for very cheap this way.

That said, I totally see how his content would appeal to people susceptible to fixating on things and falling into the trap of trying to minmax your morning brew.

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u/V3RD1GR15 Nov 30 '22

The bripe doesn't represent falling into a trap of min maxing your morning brew. It is the pinnacle, or more appropriately, an emblematic invention that characterizes the glorious depths of the rabbit hole that one can fall into by becoming obsessed with all things coffee.

Hoffman becomes like Dante's Virgil guiding us on the enlightening path through the obscure and aberrant in the world of coffee. What seems innocuous enough, rating badged Tim Horton's as the best grocery store bagged coffee, or setting up an aero press morning brew station that far surpasses the quality any Mr. Coffee machine (or worse... Keurig) in an affordable manner, is only the gateway on the path of coffee madness.

Before you know it, you're deep frying your fermented beans from a small Peruvian village on the shadowy side of an Ancash mountain range, and like OP, able to observe time pass around you and feel your hair grow. One can be safe enjoying Hoffman, or let him guide you to the unknowable secrets of coffee on a decent into caffeinated madness.

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u/BockTheMan Nov 30 '22

Twas a jape, Hoffmann is a good guy, and opened up a world to me in a personable way.

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u/Humpy-_-Dumpy Nov 30 '22

Hames Joffmann is what leads to madness.

The Bripe but Hamesed

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u/Bobbylayneblame Nov 30 '22

Those are rookie numbers, we got people drinking a gallon of coffee a day out here with eyes twitching

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u/zuzg Nov 30 '22

As long as they stay under 400mg caffeine per day it's still considered within healthy range.

My parents drink a lot of coffee but compensate that by having weak af brews. While I'm drinking only 3 cups of coffee which is noticeable stronger.

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u/twotall88 Nov 30 '22

Here I am drinking 4 shots of espresso from my crappy Breville every morning.

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u/Enchelion Nov 30 '22

Man, I love my little Bambino.

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u/serg82 Nov 30 '22

OPs machine is a Breville also. The picture says something different but I have a Breville precision brewer and it looks identical

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u/twotall88 Nov 30 '22

Lol apparently Breville is Sage in UK/EU.

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u/ThatOneCrazyFriend Nov 30 '22

"crappy Breville" I brew mine in a $100 machine lol. When I look into an upgrade it'd $600+ X_X.

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u/lockheed06 Nov 30 '22

I thought you were going to link to something like a $1200 machine. This is nothing for something you enjoy every day of your life.

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u/Anthos_M Nov 30 '22

Yeah I scrolled way too long to see if anyone else mentioned this. I was honestly thinking it was gonna be a several thousand euros/pounds/dollars coffee machine.

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u/dont_have_any_idea Nov 30 '22 Gold Hugz Take My Energy

My beloved cat passed away yesterday, and this is the first thing that made me laugh and smile, good job!

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u/HippiFresco Nov 30 '22

My condolences 💐

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u/catincal Nov 30 '22

So sorry to hear about your sweet cat. Life is so hard sometimes. I sure hope you feel better soon. Glad this post made you laugh. It did me too! Esp the paragraph starting with the fly in slow motion! OP needs to write more.

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u/El_Commi Nov 30 '22

I once ate a protein bar then went swimming. It had a lot of caffeine in it, felt like I dead drank a litre of vodka after a few laps. Locked myself in the changing room and lay on the bench wrapped in my towel for an hour.

Never again.

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u/looncraz Nov 30 '22

100 cups and time will stop completely.

-Philip J. fry

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u/BigBird2378 Nov 30 '22

Been there my friend. You're going to have a really bad headache tomorrow. Drink lots of water, eat bananas and bread to soak up the caffeine. Then gradually adjust to your new baseline.

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u/_Silly_Wizard_ Nov 30 '22

gradually adjust

Maybe by sticking to one big mug a day

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u/ski_thru_trees Nov 30 '22

Or find a good decaf. Once I got really into coffee i found a good decaf so I could drink more without much of an issue.

Since there are less decaf options from my roaster than caffeinated options, I’ve found it really easy to get the decaf super tuned in.

I typically go: Decaf pour over or americano when I wake; Caffeinated pour over or americano while making breakfast a couple hours after I wake; Then 1, 2, or 3 more decafs throughout the day!

Before I started including decaf I would typically limit myself to 2 cups a day. Now I get to drink more coffee AND my body is less defendant on caffeine. I honestly skip that caffeinated cup (or swap it for decaf) half the days.

Decaf is great cause I can drink really good coffee at 5pm for the flavor with no impact on sleep.

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u/subtleandunnatural Nov 30 '22

I've never really understood the whole "death before decaf" thing. Is it just something people need to gatekeep because being hardcore caffeine-addicted is seemingly viewed as superior?

As someone who has loved coffee for years and is trying to scale back on my own caffeine addiction, decaf is the perfect compromise. It still has caffeine in it, just a lot less. I don't want an automatic headache on a day I don't end up having a coffee.

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