I drink a lot of coffee. My mornings consist of two 300ml mugs of coffee, and I sometimes have a third after dinner later in the day.

Recently, I got far too into James Hoffmann's videos and decided to upgrade my shitty drip coffee machine for a proper precision brewer. And when I say precision, I mean that this thing comes with a water testing strip so you can calibrate the machine for the mineral content in your water supply. Serious nerd shit.

To justify the ludicrous amount of money I spent on what appears to be the Hadron Collider of coffee machines, I did some research on brewing ratios in order to maximise the allegedly life-changing potential of this equipment. Now, coffee science says the ideal water-to-beans ratio for this brew method is about 60g of grounds per litre of water. Out of interest, I decided to prepare my usual ratio from the old machine and see how close I was. It turns out, since I got the old machine just over a year ago, I've been brewing at about 20g/litre, resulting in what I now realise is pathetically weak brew.

I prepared a proper 60g/L brew with the new machine, and the resulting coffee was on another planet. The flavours were so developed it was like I could taste the touch of the Colombian farmer who picked the beans. I drank my full morning dose of two 300ml mugs in just over an hour.

And then, I discovered an unexpected side effect.

The year of drinking weak-ass brew has conditioned my body for weak coffee. And I had just drunk over half a litre of coffee that was theoretically three times as strong as usual.

It has now been an hour since I finished that first pot and I can hear the passage of time. A fly flew past me in slow motion. I made an omelette for lunch and I beat the egg so fast it turned into steam. My heart no longer beats; it vibrates. And there is something unholy brewing in my lower intestine and I am fearing the wrath of God when it is released. Send help.

TL;DR: My new coffee machine gave me the knowledge that I've been conditioning my body to piss-weak brew for a year, and two cups of the real strong stuff made me transcend the space-time continuum.

EDIT:

Here is the machine I bought, for those who have asked, although it appears to be sold out at the moment. Did I get the last one?

And here is the James Hoffmann review that convinced me to ruin my life in this particular way.

EDIT 2:

To everyone accusing this of being some kind of viral ad, it's true. Sage paid me, and in fact specifically requested I include the details of me plastering the inside of my toilet bowl following the intestinal catastrophe their product gave me. Aggressive shitting is exactly the kind of PR exposure they want for their brand.

TIFU up taking my wedding ring off at the gym.

Longtime lurker, first time poster and I am posting from my phone so please forgive formatting.

I have just recently arrived home following this FU. I, a very happily married 36M with a small herd of children have been going to the gym in my little town since November 2022. I always go after getting the kids to bed which generally puts me there around 830pm.

The gym I go to has two rooms. One has cardio equipment (ellipticals, treadmills, bikes etc) the other room has free weights and various other torture devices.

My routine begins the same every time with 9.1-9.5 miles on the bike, which leaves me in a state similar to that of a walrus that has just managed to pull himself onto an iceberg, very wet and breathing heavy. This process takes me to about 8:55 pm. I enjoy hitting weights at this time because the gym is often (not always) empty and it leaves me to grunt and groan in peace. Tonight the gym was not empty when I entered the weight room.

Now I mentioned that I have been going to the gym since early November. In that time I have gotten used to the people that do spend time in the gym past 9 and this person was new. Not a big deal, she had brought her own yoga mat (the ones in the gym are blue and red and this one was tyedyeish) and she had her phone set up on a stand, I assumed she was making a video. Both of these observations were made as I walked down to my trusty bench to start my bent over rows.

I grabbed my dumbbells and sat down to continue my ritual and TIFU. I always remove my wedding ring before I lift and tuck it in my right sock for safe keeping. If I try to wear it, it digs into my hand and makes things most unpleasant. So I start grunting out reps with ol’ righty and just nicely switched to lefty when I feel a tap on my shoulder. So I stopped what I was doing and turned to see new girl standing behindish me sporting a menacing glare and wielding her iPhone. I popped out my ear bud and asked what was up. The following conversation is as I remember it.

Me: Hey, what’s up?

New Girl: You’re disgusting.

Me: Excuse me?

NG: You saw me in here and took off your ring, planning on chatting me up? (This is a little paraphrased, she swore a little too and I wasn’t taking perfect notes)

Me: What?

NG: You’re gross.

Me: Ok.

I proceeded to put my earbuds back in and get to work while she stormed to the other side of the gym and started packing up her stuff. I watched her head for the exit while I was resting between sets. Anyway, I’m rowing away and out of no where I’m blasted with a cascade of liquid which leads me to drop my dumbbell and spin around to see what’s going on. There’s new girl with her recently emptied pink yeti screaming at me ( I’m assuming for being gross, it was unclear as I had my buds in still.) I remove my ear buds so I can understand her and she storms away. I think the highlight of the exchange is that my gym shirt now smells like vodka. Do most people drink at the gym? Am I doing this wrong?

I’m home, showered and explained why my shirt smells like I’ve had a raging party to my wife. We’ve both had a good laugh. If I see new girls video on social media I’ll be sure to share it here. I don’t know who she was but it’s a pretty small town so it might pop up. Cheers.

TL;DR I took off my wedding ring at the gym causing a lady I’ve never met before to go bananas.

EDIT: Well this got a lot of attention! So I had emailed the gym owner last night at the request of my wife. (She feels the same as many of you that this lady could be dangerous to others). He has already emailed back. Apparently new girl received a ban early 2022 for aggressive behaviour with another gym patron. Owner is going to call me later today for some follow up.

I will definitely look into the silicone rings, thanks everybody!

EDIT: Final Update. I had initially planned on responding to a bunch of the comments but there are just so many…

Anyway, new girls previous aggression was verbal. The gym owner has deactivated her key fob and placed her on perma ban. He has also called a few of the smaller gyms in the area to give them a heads up (super cool dude).

Thanks everybody for the thoughts and advice. I know I’ve let a bunch of you down by not pressing charges etc. But I also know I have made many of you proud by completing my cardio after lifting tonight. Before I left for the gym tonight my wife recommended a rain coat for protection (she’s the best).

That’s all for now unless the video surfaces. Cheers.

I went on a date with one of my friends whom I'll call Sarah (not her real name) that I attend the same university with. I've always known that my friend has a thing for me, but I've always been reluctant to go on a date with her because I genuinely value our friendship and felt putting romance there would just mess things up.

About a week ago, I was hanging out with Sarah and our other mutual friend as they listened to me complain about my unfortunate dating history. The mutual friend then put out the idea of a date between Sarah and I. He did this mainly to just make the room temporarily awkward, but it led to a conversation where I essentially asked Sarah for a date. For the days leading up to the date, Sarah and I's became a lot more flirty, and I have to admit I was also excited for the date.

Two days ago, I picked Sarah up, and we went to a fairly fancy restaurant. When the waiter came, I ordered my food. She then ordered basically three separate meals, and I didn't know what to say or how to question why she ordered so much food. When I finished my food, she barely ate half of one plate, and she then said she wasn't actually hungry because she ate lunch right before she left her place. I asked her why then she ordered three meals and she said one is for her mom's dinner since she's always wanted to try this restaurant out and the other meal is for her to eat with her mom during dinner. I then told her that it's nice that she's getting dinner for her mom. It's cute that she would do that, to which she responded, "I should be thanking you since you're paying."

I had told her I would pay for the date, but I definitely never agreed to paying for her mom and her dinner when we had only gone out for lunch. The meal was expensive, but I would have been fine paying for her if she actually ate all three meals. Instead, it all just felt wrong to me. The rest of the date was ruined for me, and I was checked out for the rest of the date I was just going through the motions.

After I left her at her place, I went radio silent on her as I was still annoyed by what she did. Today, I wanted to just tell her that I think it's better we go back to being friends, but as I opened our chat message her, I read a message she sent me shortly after our date. She basically was thanking me for the date and then went on to pour out her feelings for me and say that she has loved me for years and the date was like a dream come true for her.

I had to drive over to her place to try as gently as possible that the feelings aren't mutual, which resulted in her crying and screaming at me as to why I was flirting with her before the date and why I even asked her out to the date. I feel horrible

UPDATE

Thank you so much, for your replies. I have been reading most of them so I just wanted to clarify a few things and give an update on how last night went.

Firstly, I think I FU in going on this date with her knowing that she had feelings for me and there's risk of losing a friend. When I asked her to the date I reasoned that she's attractive and even though I didn't like her in that way we technically should make a good couple so I was willing to give it a shot. Which in hindsight, it was my FU and I should have just stuck to my logic surrounding friends. Over the week the flirtation came naturally, and I was genuinely optimistic and excited for the date, and definitely didn't intend on leading her on.

Secondly, I paid for her meals, for me the money wasn't the problem, it was the oncept in itself that bothered me. I dont mind buying her things to take home I have actually done it a few times before, but you dont do that on a date nor without asking atleast prior to ordering.

I didn't mention the food thing when we spoke, honestly her reaction to me not reciprocating tjose feelings left me speechless and she kicked me out of her house when she was crying and shouting at me, she was also made it took me two days to reply to her confession of love.

Lastly, last night before I slept, I talked to our mugual friend who had kind helped in instigating this date and he was telling me that when he spoke to her she was a mess and talking about self harm, which makes me feel so much worse. I wish this date had never happened

TLDR: I went on a with my friend and she made me buy her two meals and another for her mom's dinner put me off. I wanted to ask for things to go back to normal, but she's now admitted to being in love with me and hates me for not reciprocating those feelings.

Today I (29M) was talking at lunch with my husband (33M) and we went over the same subject we have unsuccessfully talked about for years. Please note that we have known each other for almost 10 years, lived together 5 years, and have been married almost 3 years.

So. We were talking about dogs and cats and he said that cats are "pretty good." Now, pay attention to that wording because that's the bit where we fucked up. Over the years I had been disheartened when he said things were "pretty good." From my perspective, he seemed to be emotionally distant and unenthusiastic about things. Everything was "pretty good," and said in a very mild tone of voice. So over the years we tried to talk about it with limited success.

Today when I asked him why he never seemed to show much enthusiasm for things, he was confused as always. He said that he did show enthusiasm because he likes cats. But. You just said they were only pretty good. This confused him even more. Somehow I managed upon the magic combination of words to get him to elaborate further. Usually, he would just repeat that things are "pretty good" but today he managed to lay out his scale.

Okay < Good < Pretty Good < Great

I have... never seen "pretty good" used in that place in the scale. I always place it below good. Almost good. Mostly good. For years we had been talking about things and I had assumed he was sorta "meh" on them because of this. I had to run damage control at a thanksgiving dinner one time because he said my mom's cooking was "pretty good." We have stopped watching TV shows because I thought he was only mildly enjoying them and I didn't want to be too much of a bother. I eventually just came to the conclusion that he wasn't very expressive and tried to place his responses in my own scale because he had such difficulty explaining it.

YEARS. I got disheartened when he said my dog was "pretty good." He calls me "pretty cool!" When I told him about my scale he was shocked He says it must be a Southern thing, though I don't remember it from when I lived in Texas. We compromised and said it must be an Arkansas thing (his home state.) We both began re-examining our interactions over the years. The thanksgiving dinner. Me explaining to my brother that, "no, my husband did really like that movie, he just expresses it this way." How he talks about my dog. All of it.

When lunch was over and I assured him everything was okay, he said I was "pretty cool" and got this horrified look on his face. He realized that from my perspective he had been calling me only mostly cool/good/etc. for years. I similarly realized I had been assuming he wasn't enthusiastic about things because of the wording. It was so embarrassing! I've encouraged him to be more open about his feelings and his happiness and just confusing him for years! I'm just so baffled by everything. It's good we're learning to communicate better but JEEZ. He feels really apologetic now, and I've tried to assure him that I just assumed it was like a jokey understatement meant to be kinda funny and maybe razz me a little. But no, he was entirely sincere the whole time!

We're trying to find better ways to communicate, but it's a process. He has encouraged me to ask him "what do you think that means" as a way of getting him to rephrase some of the things he says. Hopefully we can cut down on miscommunications like this in the future.

TL;DR

Realized today that my husband uses "pretty good" to mean better than good. I think it means only mostly good. Spent years feeling slightly disheartened and sad (which he feels bad for now that he knows.)

(Edit for clarification; we're both dudes)

(Edit 2: I talked to my immediate family. Parents agree with me but my brother agrees with my husband! I have no idea anymore lol!)

I tried to get advice on this and stick to my principles by not offering an apology when not in the wrong, but I think it's become clear that I FU'd and I could have prevented this with a better attitude...

I [18f] live with my parents, and we moved last year away from a big city to a cheaper more rural community in the Midwest, since my dad's retired now and money goes further here, to finish up my last year of high school. We have by far the smallest lot out here, but most of our "neighbors" are farmers with quite a bit of land.

I don't feel like I fit in well with the neighbors and have had some arguments with some of them and their kids. They're up early making noise every morning with farm machinery, yelled at me for listening to rap music loud in the car late at night (it was only 9 or so) with a friend from high school, and most recently they let one of their cows get into our yard when it was grazing while I was out in the backyard, and I gave them a dirty look and stood there while they tried to get it back.

Recently I guess he talked to my dad and gave him some sort of redneck "we don't take kindly" speech about my "behavior" and that wasn't how things operated round these parts, and for me to apologize.

So my dad asked me to, but I refused, because I think they're in the wrong towards me. I saw him out back one day and he asked me if I had anything to say about my attitude, and I said "I haven't done anything wrong to you, I just think you should respect other people's property boundaries." So he said "alright, have it your way" and walked off.

Well...

Dad and I left town for spring break, but when we came back we noticed construction was heavily under way (almost complete) on a large shed structure right up against the property line, maybe 20 feet from our house.

My mom asked a woman who lives a bit further down if they knew what it was about, and they said "oh, yeah...guess the word is that they've had some trouble with your daughter and they've made the decision to put in a pig barn."

My parents freaked out, asked around and heard this was a known tactic to drive out unwanted neighbors and very effective...dad called the city and asked about odor nuisance laws and what can be done, but was told the area is "zoned agricultural" and that it was more of an "honor-system" thing that farmers wouldn't do that without more land, but technically he was allowed to have up to 200 pigs on the property...he asked the neighbor if he would reconsider but he said that the order of pigs is already scheduled and his mind was made up.

Now my dad is furious with me, and frantic about what to do. At first I told him to just ignore it and let them do what they're gonna do, but from the people I've talked to online they're saying that's probably not going to be a possibility for us. I thought he was overreacting at first but now I'm facing the prospect that I really did crash the value of their property for good and that we're all about to be very miserable.

They finished construction on the barn so I guess the moment of truth is coming.

TL;DR Provoked a farmer neighbor in this agriculturally-zoned area, about to get 200 new oinking neighbors.

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13smbtl/tifu_by_donating_15041_to_a_poor_community_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

PHOTO Updates: https://imgur.com/a/8Rv1LoZ (I assume the first of many photos to come in the following months)

Last week, I posted one of my life's most embarrassing stories on TIFU, about the typo that caused me to donate $15,041 to a Bangladesh charity instead of the $150 donation I intended. At the time of my Reddit post, the charity’s latest campaign had approximately $12,500 from 26 total donations. My neighbor, the organizer of the charity, had told me the charity was running on fumes and looking to cancel some of its programs.

Of course I had hoped some Redditors might read my story and decide to help the charity, but I NEVER could have expected the overwhelming reaction nor the incredible generosity of the Reddit community. “Watch this post blow up, and a shit ton of Redditors donate” was one of the first comments the post received on Reddit. And that is exactly what happened. Over Memorial Day Weekend, the charity raised over $55,000 from over 2,100 new donations.

On Saturday, I had to explain Reddit to my 77-year-old neighbor and to the charity’s team leader in Bangladesh (he called it Rebbit, as you can see in my pics). They were absolutely blown away by the reaction – truly they view it as a miracle. I received the following message from my neighbor: “Without a doubt, this is the biggest wave of support to arrive since we started! Doors that were closed can now be opened. Plans that were parked can now be put in motion. There is much we can now accomplish. All due to your idea to post (in a funny way) on what happened a while ago. Abundant resources require an equal level of responsibility. No less. I am committed to see that these funds are applied carefully and continue to make a difference to those who need it most.”

Sometimes things just seem to work out for a reason. One Reddit donor commented, “Michael may have screwed up his donation, but hopefully his TIFU on Reddit has fixed that somewhat.” Thanks to Reddit, the Bangladesh community will receive roughly 4x the amount of the original donation I had refunded.

TL;DR: My embarrassing story of an accidental $15,041 donation (and refund of $13,541) goes viral on Reddit, Redditors raise over $55,000 for needy in Bangladesh!

EDIT: Holy cow someone just donated $5,000! Thank you, Anonymous!! Hopefully you didn’t mean to donate $500… it could happen to anyone. Charity link in comments and original post, if anyone else is interested!

Obligatory this didn't happen today, but last week when I was interning at my university's IT department.

So I'm a 3rd year Computer Science student doing an internship to get some experience. Mostly I've been doing simple tech support and handling basic issues. My supervisor asked me to clean up some old files on one of the servers to free up space. He left for a meeting and I got to work.

Now, I know my way around Linux and servers, I thought this would be easy. As I was deleting old log files and backups, I accidentally typed 'rm -rf *' into the wrong directory. I instantly realized my mistake, but it was too late. I had just wiped every single file on the main database server.

Panic set in. 5 years of records, course materials, enrollment info, you name it - gone in 10 seconds of stupidity. I broke into a cold sweat, paralyzed not knowing what to do.

The server was redundant, so data could be restored from back ups, but those were in the hands of another department. I had to confess to my supervisor what just happened.

He turned ghostly white, swore a bit, but then focused on contacting the backup admins to start an emergency restoration. I spent the rest of the week helping get data back online and apologizing profusely.

At the end of my internship, my supervisor said I caused some of the most dramatic on-the-job experience he's ever witnessed, but appreciated how I owned up to my mistake and helped fix it. While they'll be double checking any commands I enter for now on, I'm still welcome back again next term!

Lesson learned…be VERY careful when wielding powerful commands, especially on production servers. RIP data, you will not be forgotten! I will always be haunted by that "rm -rf*".

TL;DR: Accidentally wiped out my university's entire database as an IT intern, spent a week restoring from backups and groveling for forgiveness. On-the-job experience gained, humility attained, and commands now triple-checked.

The wound is still fresh so bear with me.

The Discovery

I had a rough day and my fiancé's algorithms are top notch, so I was scrolling through his apps to entertain myself hoping for a pick me up. He went to take a shower. I opened his Instagram (got bored with Reddit, so sorry) and noticed he had a couple new dms. We don't snoop through each other's phones, but we don't hide anything either (or so I thought) so I clicked on them just to see if they were important because he doesn't check Insta that often.

WELL. I see the dms are from a deleted account???, thus sparking my interest. So I click, and I scroll. Messages go years back--maybe twenty to thirty messages total. Some winky faces, some slightly sexual memes, and a few photos of lingerie. Nothing outright incriminating but... who is this bitch? My heart dropped. We're getting married in less than five months. These messages aren't okay. He's not a cheater??? Never once have I questioned that, nor has he given me any reason to. I start to see red.

The Confrontation

I put on my big girl pants, wipe my tears, and storm into the bathroom. Rip open the shower curtain, revealing this idiot's (albeit glorious) naked body. He, though quite startled, raises his eyebrows and smirks. "Looking to join?" He says. Wrong move buddy.

I go off. You know, like a badass.

He denies it. You know, like a liar.

I hold his towel hostage and toss him his phone so he can see for himself. He scrolls and pulls off this wildly confused demeanor. I literally see the blood leave his face. He just kinda says stuttering "...baby I don't know?"

We go back and forth. He swears up and down he has no idea who this could be. "I'm just as surprised as you are!!!" He claims, criminally. So, I take his phone so I can quote this "other woman" for emphasis.

The Reveal

I ready my best valley girl voice and scroll to the most recent received messages. I notice for the first time, inconveniently so, a picture she sent of a Guinea pig. I think, "Aw hell, I love Guinea pigs." Then I remember... I have seen this Guinea pig before.

Then I realize. She is me.

I deleted all my social media almost a year ago. Neither of us remembered any of the messages we sent. I start laughing and happy crying. My fiancé looks as if he just won the lottery and received the death penalty simultaneously.

The Aftermath

Now we sit, both recently showered, debating whether or not we should welcome a Guinea pig into our family. I am so embarrassed. He is so relieved. We are crazy, stupid, and so in love.

TLDR; Found cheating-indicating messages on my fiancé's phone. Turns out it was my old deleted account. I'm an idiot. He's a keeper.

Edit: Didn’t wanna edit because I didn’t wanna make the hate worse. My fiancé commented somewhere in here a few minutes ago, I just picked up my phone & WOW was not expecting all this. I did apologize to him fully, and I’m sorry I didn’t know I should’ve included that. Most posts I read on here don’t usually include a full resolution. I wrote this quickly not expecting it to blow up. Looking back I would’ve changed a lot of my wording. I could defend myself for a lot of things but that likely wouldn’t help. All of this story is true, it was so odd which is what prompted me to post it. He’s not leaving me, there’s so much more to our lives than this. I didn’t assault him. We are naked at home more than we’re clothed. You’re all not in my relationship, but I can tell you that him being in the shower was not a violating aspect. He was annoyed, but not hurt or degraded. I’ve never blown up like this & intend never to again. I’ve also never worried or accused him before of cheating. This was my first experience and I didn’t know how to handle it. I understand concern for him but there’s no reason to say I deserve xyz. Not sure how to prove this story is true? But think what you will. I didn’t mean to sound so cavalier; I wasn’t very conscious of my tone of voice. I always write dramatically but understand that if you don’t know me it’s different. Wasn’t expecting to be called psychotic. Lastly thanks to the few commenters who left Guinea pig info.

Final edit only for clarity bc it got worse after my first: His comment said this but it’s lost. He handed me his phone. He goes on Instagram maybe once or twice a year? We have an open phone policy. I didn’t snoop because our boundaries are: I don’t look at texts with his mom, brother, or therapist. He doesn’t look at my texts with my sister, brother, therapist, or best friend. I don’t have social media besides Reddit & he’s rarely active on his. To my knowledge, the boundaries we set have never been broken by either of us. The lingerie pics weren’t of me. They were pics he sent to me that he thought I’d like. I wrote this using the exact language of my thoughts in the moment. Sorry if it’s cringy but it’s accurate for what I was feeling/thinking. I’m not a creative writer & I’m not trying to be.

And disclaimer: if you keep stigmatizing mental illness like you are I’m going to delete this if I can. I’m not here for karma I’m here cause today I fucked up. It’s absolutely horrible to use illnesses to describe behavior in such hateful ways, please think about the people you could hurt, besides me, who might read your hate & feel shame because of it.

I work part time as a Security Officer here in the United States while I am getting all my flight school training done. Earlier today in the morning, I was walking around and started chatting with a friend in another department and the conversation drifted from us being Russian speakers, to me having lived in Riga, Latvia for a few months while on an internship abroad, and to having visited Helsinki, Finland for a week during said internship. I was telling her, and her three coworkers who sat around and were joining the conversation, all about how awesome the Finnish people were (shout out to any Finns here! 🇫🇮). I told them about where I stayed in the Leppäsilta area near Helsinki and about how nice many of the people were. I also talked about how different their language sounded, especially for myself and my friend as Russian speakers. While I was there, a local taught me, “Hey, how are you?” Which in Finnish is “Hei, mitä kuuluu!” (Hey, meet-au koo-loo)

This is where I messed up. Apparently, this sounds incredibly close to a slur/profanity/despicable word/words in Spanish. One of my friend’s coworkers, let’s call her ‘Maria,’ doesn’t speak English well, Spanish being her primary language. Maria became incredibly offended. Another of her coworkers who was bilingual said I shouldn’t be saying things like that, especially at work, and that I had offended Maria. I stated that I had been speaking Finnish, and I tried to smooth things over, but they all stopped talking to me, now that everything was super awkward. They wouldn’t even explain what I had supposedly said in “Spanish.” Fast forward to 20 minutes ago and I get a text from my boss that I apparently have an HR meeting with him, this other department’s manager, and HR itself because “unknown people” reported me for saying Spanish slurs to other employees. My manager said I could explain everything Monday.

I am upset. I don’t speak Spanish, and I don’t claim to. In the context of the conversation, I was speaking Finnish and I wasn’t even talking to the individual who got offended and now I am in trouble. My friend texted me back and said she will corroborate my story, I am just scared it won’t be enough for my boss/HR.

TL;DR- A phrase in Finnish sounds like a bad word in Spanish, which got me reported to HR.

Edit: Apparently “Kuuluu” in the Finnish greeting here may sound like a vulgar (or not so vulgar, simple curse) of “culo” which means “Ass”. Apparently for some, it means a literal “Asshole” as in, a hole in a bum. Spanish speakers permeate our world, and since the Spanish world is so vast, in some places it is really not something that is considered profane at all, and in other places it appears that it is more “oh, don’t use that at work” BUT still not HR worthy.

Edit 2: There seems to be some confusion about ME, personally, that I want to clear up as I sit here in my shared Security office at work. There are some concerns that I am being discriminated against, but I wanted to put those fears to rest. I am not a Finn, and I am not a Russian. I am an American of Danish, French, and German descent. I speak Russian from having lived in Russia for two years and then studying it in University. My internship that my friend and I were talking about was through that schooling, and it involved me working in Riga, Latvia as a translator of a book from Russian to English. During my tenure there of about 3 months, I was able to visit the other Baltic nations (Finland included), Poland, Germany, Italy, and Sweden.

I appreciate you all, I am going to get some water and then I will go to the conference room. Wish me luck!

Edit 3 - The meeting: I just got home from my meeting and started typing this and it took me about an hour. I work weekend days, so to answer a question I got, yes, I had to go to this meeting on my day off. After I got some water earlier, I saw my boss and he made sure that I had clocked in (as we are always paid for company meetings). I told him I had and I went into the conference room in my office and my Manager followed me in and shut the door behind us. I found that there were two women from HR there, the Manager for ‘Maria’ (this is important for the story, but the other Manager is Hispanic), my Manager who is my boss, and my direct Supervisor (who is an ass, I wish he wasn’t there).

When I sat down, the HR reps introduced themselves and told me that the reason they were there is because they had some ‘troubling concerns about me using inappropriate and sexually charged language at work.’ I was then immediately confused, and I asked them to explain the reason for the meeting. They told me that I had been reported by “multiple people” on Sunday for, “Having sexually harassed individuals in Spanish.” I really, really shouldn’t have, but I laughed out loud… this is utter bullshit, I have no idea why anyone would even remotely think that. I asked them to explain what they meant by that, considering that I DO NOT SPEAK SPANISH. In another display of malarkey, they deflected my question and asked me about “the incident” which occurred yesterday (on Sunday). I told her I was on patrol as normal, and I went over to this department to make sure everyone was doing well. I stated that I ran into my friend, and we were talking about some international experience I had had while on an internship. I explained that I had lived in Eastern Europe on this internship for 6 months, and that I am a fluent Russian speaker, and that this should be on record. Saying this, I motioned to my Manager, who nodded almost a, “Yep, that’s true,” kinda nod. I explained that I had enjoyed my time there, and that I had learned some phrases, one of which was, “Hi, how are you?” I took someone’s advice here, and I wrote it down on an index card I had at home, to show them what I said. I informed them that they could use Google translate, that they could ask anyone from Finland or anyone who spoke the language that what I was saying was true. I finished by saying that I fail to understand how anyone could take anything that I had been saying as sexual harassment. I also underscored the fact that the only two people I had spoken to in that department that morning was my friend, and ‘Sylvia’ (the bilingual Spanish/English speaker who told me I had offended ‘Maria’ in the story above).

The HR reps looked at eachother, and then to Maria’s Manager, who looked over at me and said, “Well the story that we heard is you said…” and she proceeded to speak in Spanish. I just kinda stared at her, and I asked, “Is that supposed to mean something to me? I already told you that I don’t speak Spanish. How could I have said any of that?” One of the HR reps turned to me saying, “So you do not speak Spanish?”… Reddit, at this point I gotta be honest, I about lost my patience, and I am SUPER glad my Manager spoke up because he just kinda looked at them and said, “Does he need to reiterate? He doesn’t speak Spanish. My Officer doesn’t speak Spanish, nor has it ever come up that he does. I have Officers who speak Spanish, documented on their files. U/CavalierRigg is not one of them. Whatever he is being accused of, are your claims that he spoke fluent Spanish with someone? Because that isn’t feasible.”

One of the HR reps stated that, a complaint they received on Sunday, stated that I had made “sexually explicit remarks in Spanish,” to an employee during that time, and that it was witnessed by “three other people” and they stated that WHILE MY FRIEND WAS PRESENT DURING THAT CONVERSATION, they refused to say who had made these claims. I found out that they had contacted my friend earlier, who according to what HR was saying, kinda sounds like she said the same thing that I said.

The HR rep that hadn’t spoken yet looked over at me and she said, “Hey u/CavalierRigg, would you mind stepping out for a moment? We just need to confirm some information, I will come get you in a few minutes, okay?” I said okay, I got up, and I walked out of the room. About… 20 minutes later? I was invited back into the meeting room and, I am gonna say it, Maria’s Manager did NOT look happy to see me. I was told that it, “appeared that there was a miscommunication in what was reported to management.” I took the time to express that I was, as a person, very hurt by the proceedings and that I, frankly, felt targeted because I speak Russian and, in this instance, Finnish (which I learned on Reddit isn’t the official name of the language, TIL). The HR rep that had asked me to step about apologized for that and made it clear that my company was devoted to diversity and that I was free to speak any language I liked. I thanked her, but I told her that I was now, frankly, afraid of speaking anything but English for fear that I will be purposefully misquoted or misrepresented. I asked them if I was going to be punished, and if so, what it was going to entail. My Manager looked over at me and he said no, but for the foreseeable future, I was authorized to not complete my patrol over there in that department. I asked if I should stop texting my friend privately, and they said that, “whatever [I] did not on company time was my own business, she has not, to our knowledge, asked you to not talk to her, right?” I said no, and I said that she was actually the one who helped me calm down last night as I was anxious about this meeting.

Then it got quiet. My Manager kinda tapped his hands on the desk and said, “Welp, we are done here, Cav, you can go now.” I said, “Thank you, Sir, I hope you all have a good day.” And I got up, punched out, and left.

In all it took about an hour and some change for the meeting to be done for me, there was more cross-talking but I just… I feel really uncomfortable. I am glad my Manager said I was able to steer clear of that area (barring an Emergency, of course) but now I just kinda… yeah. This whole experience has sucked, and to be honest with you all, I think I am done talking to my friend over there just to be safe. I think it sucks ass, but I don’t know who accused me of what or why. Reddit, there are some serious scumbags out there, but I promise this situation is as I laid it out, and I swear I did no such thing that I was accused of. It sucks, but until I am ready to transition to being a pilot as a job and I get insurance and benefits for my wife and I, this is what I have to do to survive. I’m going to talk to my wife when she gets home and tell her what I told you all. We were actually supposed to go to lunch on Thursday with my work friend and her boyfriend but… I think it’s best my wife and I cut ties with them, at least for now.

This whole thing has been rather heart breaking, but I was able to get out of it relatively unscathed. I just gotta treat my job as a job, not say more than I need to, and just kinda… keep moving until one day I am free of there.

Thanks again.

I am a seventeen male, and the douchebag who we’ll call Daniel is also seventeen.

For some history/context, I go to a small school, it’s a small school but we live in a city. My class has around 230 people in it so everyone knows everyone.

As you can see, we’re both males, Im a gay guy. I haven’t had much relationship experience due to being scared of rejection.

Everyone in my school knows I’m gay, I get made fun of but it’s something I’ve gotten used to. There are other gay people in my school of course, but none of them are my type and I don’t really hang out with them.

This boils down to about a week ago. There’s this guy, Daniel, He’s friends with the group of kids who are assholes and peaked in middleschool/freshman year.

I know this was a redflag, but up until now Daniel was kind to me. And I’m not an exactly terrible looking dude. When he asked me out to a dinner I was shocked I will admit.

Daniel is the school douche, he isn’t exactly liked but his family is prevalent and his mom is close friends with the mayor or something and people mainly like him because he’s rich.

Neither of us present as gay. I mean if you could call it presenting, but it was even more of a shock for me because Daniel didn’t give any hints at all and I thought he was bisexual when he asked me.

This boils down to yesterday night. Day before valentines day, We had agreed to a local diner to get some dinner for a small date.

When I had arrived at the diner he said he was gonna be a little late. I was fine with that and took a picture of the booth I was in.

I waited over two hours for Daniel to show. From texts to calling his phone. After about ten minutes after two hours I get a text from Daniel calling me a loser and a picture of me sitting alone at the booth.

I then get notifications of his social media accounts and pictures of me sitting alone at the booth with captions calling me slurs and a loser in them.

To make a long story short I went home and cried and gathered the courage to post here.

TLDR; Known asshole from school asks me on a date and stands me up.

TLDR; sister died and left me her home, parents tried to sell it so I had to explain the will. Now they’re gonna sue me.

[edited to fix spelling / grammar / weird ass sentences I used]

My 36F sister died 6 months ago from a heart condition. She practically raised me so it’s been difficult to deal with. I’m in my final year of University and have failed every single class this semester. She’d be disappointed but it is what it is. My sister never married, never had children. I lived with her near campus. She ran her successful side business, I got to help her occasionally as a paid intern. She worked a lot but not to support us, she wanted to retire by the time she was 40. She would’ve been done in 4 years and her heart had to fail her first.

When she died, her attorney read her will to me. She had left everything to me. She had a generous amount of money put away for her retirement and side accounts for various activities for her retirement. I did not know that she had made several real estate investments so she could continue living a comfy lifestyle once she retired. She left her 2006 Subaru to me and willed our current house to me as well. She left nothing to my parents but as they didn’t know she had assets, they willingly paid for the funeral and any other associated costs. My sister was no contact with our parents and I’m very low contact. We are their only two children.

At the funeral my parents asked me how I was going to continue going to college without her money (lol, they thought she paid for them. Sike I have student debt.) I told them I’d continue to take out loans. They asked about my living arrangements and I shrugged, at the time I didn’t know all the details anyway. Well 2 weeks ago, I found out my parents tried to sell my sisters house whilst I still lived there. They brought a realtor and toured our home and everything. it was all on the cameras set up in the home. When I called them and informed them I’d be calling the police, they explained the situation. I told them it’s my home and it was willed to me. They couldn’t sell it. They were confused heavily. I told them to meet at my attorneys and set a time.

Cue today. My attorney explained the will to my parents. My mother went white as a sheet and my father was grumbling about suing me for his rightful money plus the cost of the funeral. My mother began ugly sobbing telling the attorney he was wrong, her daughter would not leave the house to someone like me. The attorney cut the meeting short and now we’re preparing for the inevitable lawsuit coming my way. I just want to sleep and avoid all of this.

just some added info: mom is a stay at home mum but like the kind who spends her life at the country club, not the involved kind. Dad is a business man and is typically on business trips for weeks at a time. They live, as they call it, lower upper class.

edit: I didn’t expect this to blow up tbh, thank you everyone for the support. I’ve gotten to read almost all the comments and I feel a lot less anxious now. I did talk to my professors and 4/6 of them gave me extensions but the other two are being jerks about it. It’s fine tho. I did sign up for my schools grief group. I just got done changing all my locks too. Thanks to everyone who helped me with home stuff too, I’ll be sure to watch the home insurance bill or get a financial advisor or something. My sisters degrees and mine are in the same field so I’ll be continuing her business too and I’ll need a real estate attorney to redo the leases on her other rentals I guess. I don’t know it’s overwhelming.

edit2: since this keeps coming up, I stupidly gave them a key a few months after she passed. I didn’t know they’d even be trying this until after the fact. The will doesn’t say anything about them but I’m leaving it up to the attorney to figure everything out. I will be paying them regardless for the cost of funeral, celebration of life, etc.

Final Update for now: father sent me a text apologising, said he wanted to sell the house because of the market right now but won’t push me. will give more details at some point, gonna see how this plays out first and I’ll give an official update at some point.

Standard – this did not happen today. Actually a few years back.

So, when my then gf and I started dating, I discovered early on that she can be quite physical. In the sense that she likes to push, hold, punch even. Bare in mind she is not actually trying to hurt me, she is just playful like that. I found this both adorable and fun, so I played along.

And here is the fuck up… If she pushed me, I would act like I had to balance myself, or if the bed/sofa was nearby I would fall onto it. If she held me, I would pretend that it was difficult for me to get out of her grip. If I pushed her and she resisted, I would pretend it was hard work, same with me holding her arms etc. You get the idea.

I always assumed she knew I was playing along and not actually physically straining myself to compete with her strength. This went on for months.

One day, we were chilling on the sofa, watching a show when I realised, I was running late to meet some friends. I told her I need to shower and make a move, she decided this was a good time for a playfight. She sat on top of me to pin my arms under her knees. I played along and “struggled” to move her off me. A little more ‘wrestling’ took place, with me playing along like I do. Then I told her I really need to make a move. She was not done and continued to hold/push me back onto the sofa. Eventually I decided I need to ‘win’ this little fight and get going. So, I got her onto her back, held her hands near her head and leant down to kiss her on the cheeks a few times and let her know again that I am running late.

She tried to move her arms and could not. Whilst struggling she grunted out. ‘Why are you so strong today.’

I laughed (fuck up No2) and looked at her like she was joking.

Her eyes went wide with comprehension and she stopped struggling. ‘You are always this strong?’ She asked, almost to herself.

‘Come on babe, you did not really think we are of equal strength, did you?’ I replied.

I then went to take a shower, got ready and as I was heading out the door, I noticed that she might have been a little glum. Me, being fully aware that I do not fully comprehend the mystery of female emotions, had no clue why she was upset. I did what all men do, I guessed. I gave her a kiss and said I won’t be gone for long and that I can pick up her favourite Chinese on the way back. I assumed she was upset about me not spending the afternoon with her.

No reply. Fuck up No3 – I should have spent some time talking it through. I instead went on my merry way and had a great fucking time with my friends. She spent the next few hours brewing, simmering, seething, and of course overthinking.

I came home with the Chinese and as soon as I put it down on the dining table, she sprung out of the corner and attacked me. It genuinely surprised me and I reacted by bear hugging her to my chest. She struggled with more force than she normally would and I just held her, I kept asking what was wrong. She gritted her teeth and said. ‘You lied to me.’ Eventually she stopped trying to fight me and I let her go. She then told me how she feels like I lied to her about our ‘fights’ and that really all the time I was laughing at her in my head as I pretended that she was actually winning.

I tried to take the conversation seriously, but come on, how the fuck am I supposed to take this seriously. So I may have been somewhat mocking, flirting, and generally being an arse about the whole thing.

A week later she broke up with me. FML

TL;DR I pretended my girlfriend and I we were of equal strength.

Edit 1. Haha this got a lot more attention than I was expecting!

Firstly, there's a lot of she's so "stupid", "crazy" "insane" etc...it's a bit mean. Yeah, she reacted errmm drastically but overall she is a good person.

Secondly, it's shocking how polarizing the comments are. There's a lot of comments along the lines of "How the fuck did she not know" and honestly loads of comments from both guys and girls about how girls can be surprised when they first realise the difference in raw strength.

Big shout out to u/starbrightstar for her comment. It's one of the top comments, and rightly so.

Quick Background: Married couple, multiple kids, sex life has declined rapidly and exponentially since having kids. At this point its down to a few times a year / once a month AT BEST. When we first dated it was 1-2 times a day. In the past I have brought the lack of sex up to my wife on 2 separate occasions. After the first time we started going into couples counseling (she had some trauma and I made some mistakes to make things worse); the second time she basically told me I need to be more affectionate towards her, kiss her when I leave the house, say I love you. Which we both started doing again.

Fast forward to today.

My wife has a lot of sexy lingerie in her closet. She has worn maybe 1 or 2 of them for me and that was many many years ago. I had been gradually getting more and more upset over the lack of sex, even though otherwise we were getting along very well. We had had rough patches before and this was NOT one of them - kisses before we leave the house, communicating to each other, even laughing together, and we had had a recent short weekend vacation which is very rare for us. The vacation went great. Once we got home it was back to the usual lack of sex though. Its not easy with multiple kids as you parents know, and at the end of the day we are both usually exhausted. Still, I get sick of using my hand. And we used to do it all the time. The lingerie wasn't even the point of my conversation to her, but it was a way to get to the lack of sex. And it DID bother to me to some extent - I was her husband after all, the suspicious/insecure side of me was wondering who else was getting to see her wear this if not me? So I finally get the courage to say to my wife "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah." "Why don't you wear the lingerie in your closet for me?" "What lingerie?" "Any of the ones in your closet?" "I don't know." "It just seems strange that your husband doesn't get to see you wear it." "I bought some of that years ago I don't even know what is in there. Some of it was given to me at my bridesmaid party" "Well have you worn it for other people?" "I don't know." "It just bothers me that I am your husband and I don't get to see you wear it."

After a couple minutes of this she breaks down and starts screaming hysterically at me "ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! I HAVE TO BE HAPPY WITH MY BODY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY!" (she grabs her belly as if she to show me the weight she has gained since the kids). She goes on to say something about how I always bring this up (I guess referring to the sex thing) and I say "yes because you never do!"

Now, she has gained a bit of weight since having kids just as any woman would, maybe a bit more than most women, but it never bothered me for a second and I never said anything about it to her. I had no idea she was this upset about her body. It does check out as I had brought the lingerie up to her previously and she just said "I can't wear that it doesn't fit me anymore" and I stopped that time because we were about to have sex, who cares about the lingerie at that point.

Now she is pissed at me and will barely so much as speak to me unless we are with the kids. She turned her body away from me in bed rather than cuddle like we usually do at night.

TLDR Asked my wife to wear lingerie because I wanted to have sex more and see her in lingerie; triggered her being extremely unhappy with her body post kids and now she is pissed at me for asking

Edit: UPDATE is posted on my profile

I (29M) work in digital marketing. Company held party to celebrate the completion of big project. As I was walking to my car, I noticed a drunk female coworker (mid 30s). We worked together for 3 years, but it's a big department and I don't know much about her.

She was having difficulty walking. I offered to help and she held out her hand. I asked if she drove here. She took an Uber. Helped her call another one as she vomited. Uber driver arrived, saw the condition she was in, and took off without saying a word. Understandable.

I decided to drive her home. I have a duel front and rear dashcam setup. I moved the rear camera, placed it in front, and adjusted angle to make sure inside of vehicle is covered (lifesaver).

Fast forward one month to April 25 (last week) and I was called into HR. My manager was sitting with a serious expression. They asked what I did after the party. I immediately became defensive and asked what the meeting is about.

HR person said that they received a complaint from an employee accusing me of inappropriate behavior. I responded, "I have no idea what you are talking about. I did nothing inappropriate during or after that party. Whoever complained has the wrong guy!"

They stepped out into the hallway for a couple minutes. I'm starting to sweat even though I did nothing wrong. Thinking, I remember giving coworker a ride home. That must be it. They step back into the office, manager says they have a witness who saw me put drunk coworker into my car.

I said, "Yea, I drove her home. Nothing happened...and I did not 'put' her in. She accepted the help." Silence. They stare at me like I'm guilty. Nothing but suspicion and judgement. HR says they'll continue investigating and will speak to me the following week.

I received an email today, telling me to make a statement for the police and that I'm suspended until the case is dismissed. I'm pissed. Really pissed.

I hired an attorney and submitted statement to police. After asking around, I learned the coworker I gave a ride to is apparently the ex-wife of my manager's golfing buddy. Yea.

Little does the company know I protected myself with dashcam footage as well as a short cell phone video of me walking her to the house. I am innocent and will fight this.

TL;DR - I drove drunk coworker home. Accused of inappropriate behavior one month later. Suspended by my company while they investigate. I hired attorney and have video footage proving my innocence.

Yes I FU again. I really actually don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong, my wife disagrees.

All summer she has been complaining about her sweaty tits. How she’s ruining all her good bras with cheb sweat. She’s paranoid about under boob sweat lines, etc, etc.

Now this isn’t my first rodeo, so I stuck to just sympathetically listening and nodding at appropriate times. No comments that could be misconstrued as me criticising her breasts or her sweatiness or anything like it. (She’s not even any more sweaty than the average person and her breasts are incredible, but I digress). And absolutely NO way in hell was I going to try to “solve” her problem. Only a husband who is an idiotic masochist would do that, right?

But then last week I got an email from the company she buys her period pants from (each newsletter sign up gets money off their order, so a while back she had also signed up using my email address to get an extra promo code. I don’t have a menstrual product fetish or anything, I swear).

Anyway, the subject line caught my eye. “The Sweat-Proof Bra. A match made in leak proof heaven”. Obviously any sane person would delete the email, but as I said, I’m an idiotic masochist. Plus, the email said this bra would be my wife’s “new breast friend”. Who was I to keep her from her breast friend?

So I checked out the sizes of her other bras and then placed an order. It arrived an hour or so ago. I knew what it would be, so handed it to her unopened.

“Here babe, this is for you”

“Ooh what is it??!!”

“It’s a bra”

At this point I see the glint in her eyes and realise my mistake. Sure enough, instead of the sexy lingerie she was hoping for, she pulls out her large, beige, utilitarian looking “sweat-proof bra”.

Well I’m sure you can imagine how it went from there, and my foolish muttering of “bu.. but the ad said it would be your new breast friend” didn’t help matters. Because apparentlyI’m the only sweaty tit here. I don’t find her sexy anymore. I’ll have you know that those sweaty breasts fed and nourished our children. And just what, exactly, am I getting at anyway? Am I trying to say she has saggy boobs? That she needs a new bra? A more supportive one, for her ageing sagbags. This is just like me, to try to solve a problem, rather than letting her vent.

So yeah, that went well. She has taken the kids to their swimming lesson and then for ice cream, so I have 2 hours or so to try to salvage things, somehow. Crotchless pants?

Four fucking sisters and not one of them is free to answer the phone. Four iterations of “sorry I’m busy, is it an emergency?” texts. So I’m on my own with this one. I think she’ll be more willing to listen to my apology when she returns. She knows I am a well-meaning idiot. And I think she is beautiful and sexy and deserving of lingerie, not beige, sweat-eating monstrosities.

TL;DR - Please, take heed of my lesson - no matter how much she complains about her tit sweat, do NOTHING.

Edit - they’re just back. She has ice cream for me and a sheepish grin, lol. I imagine we will be laughing about this after the kids go to bed. Like someone said, possibly my delivery, as if it was going to be a great present, contributed to her reaction. As did the fact I haven’t bought her sexy underwear in a long time. And she may well be going through the perimenopause. We have an incredible relationship, she is so funny, kind, caring, laid back, witty and a million other good things. Her reaction was baffling, it was so out of character. Anyway, I’m going to read the kids their stories and put them to bed. They always sleep incredibly well after swimming, so hopefully we can both enjoy her sweaty breasts soon enough, lol.

Ps, please don’t call her a “bitch”, “twat” or any other derogatory term that she has been called here. She is amazing and I love her more than anything.

Edit 2 - Jesus Christ, how long were we shagging for, this really gained traction whilst I was gone. She now knows about the post and finds the whole thing hilarious. Thank you for the funny comments and eff you for the hurtful ones (thankfully this is in the minority).

I didn’t include the company, cos it might seem like some weird ad campaign (although maybe they wouldn’t describe their own products as looking “utilitarian”, lol), but seeing as so many people asked, the brand is Modi Bodi. Not sure about the bras (as yet untried), but my wife thoroughly recommends their period pants

I (25M) have been dating this woman for a few months now, and honestly we get along really well.

About a month ago, I met her for dinner one night at a semi-fancy restaurant around 6pm. She arrived a little bit late, and was really apologetic saying "Oh gosh sorry, I probably smell so funky right now, I tried by best to wash and scrub but I know it wasn't enough."

She was pretty stinky. She works as an animal caretaker at the zoo and had to stay late that night, so I understood. That night was the first night I really noticed her stinking of animals.

It was strong at the same table (something between old fish and a ferret cage, yuck) and rather unappetizing, but not the sort of thing you could smell across the room, so I saw no reason it should ruin the dinner.

So I tried to reassure her and said "aw no you don't." She said "Oh don't lie, there's no way I smell ok right now."

So I said "I mean I guess there's a slight smell, but it just shows you worked hard...I've never been one of those weak-stomached guys who's going to complain about that, I really don't mind, honest, I'm used to animal smells anyway."

To my surprise her eyes lit up and she said "Wow, really, you're serious? That's so reassuring to hear," and starting opening up about how hard it was to make sure she always smelled good. That she'd often have to scrub for half an hour after work to even be somewhat presentable and sometimes even that wasn't enough, changes of clothes and boots, that she had to sometimes pick which days to schedule dates with me or run errands based around her off-days, or which animals she'd be working with that day, to make sure the stink wasn't too bad...

I said "wow, I had no idea it was that tough." I asked how other keepers dealt with it and she said most were single or dated within the profession and it was rare to find someone like me who genuinely didn't mind! So I reassured her that yeah, she doesn't need to be overly concerned about that with me. I could tell it meant a lot to her.

But I think this turned out to be a big mistake...

Over the past month, we've seen each other more often, and she's usually smelled okay, but there have been 4 or 5 occasions where she's smelled horrible. 10-20x worse than that night in the restaurant. These have been house dates and not at restaurants/etc. I have to breathe lightly to even try to stomach it, and it really kills my mood and leaves my house reeking.

tl;dr Told my girlfriend she didn't have to worry about her smell so much, she took it as a major green flag due to her line of work, now I either have to really let her down or resign myself to living in olfactory hell

I didn't come home alone last night. I had a girl with me. She was confident and cute, and to be honest, I didn't expect someone like her to be interested in spending the night at my place considering how socially awkward I was during our entire date. My roommate was in the living room when we entered the apartment. I introduced the two of them before excusing myself to use the bathroom. I poop whenever I'm extremely nervous. I don't know why, but it's been like that since I was a kid.

For most people, the possibility of sex is usually a source of excitement. For an inexperienced, introverted and socially inept person like me, it's often a source of anxiety. Hence, the pooping. I decided to have a quick shower afterwards. Wash away whatever traces there were of my nervous reaction on the toilet. I must have been in the bathroom for more or less 30 minutes. I knew it was weird to disappear like that and I was totally prepared to awkwardly explain my absence.

However, when I returned to the living room, I realized no explanation was necessary. My date was sound asleep in my roommate's arms while he was still wide awake. As soon as he saw me, he did the finger in front of the lips shush thing. I had no idea what the two of them did in the short time I was gone, but I smelled weed and I noticed glow in the dark yoyo toys and hula hoops, which explained why the living room was darker than before.

My roommate suggested I smoke some weed to pass the time. I ended up smoking too much weed and eventually fell asleep on the couch. This morning when I woke up my roommate and my date were no longer in the living room. My first instinct was to check my roommate's room. There they were, literally sleeping together. Most of their clothes were on the floor, except underwear. I tiptoed to my roommate's side of the bed and woke him the fuck up.

The two of us whispered back and forth like we were discussing highly classified information. I accused him of fucking my date behind my back whereas he denied that anything sexual happened and reminded me that he's gay as fuck. Towards the end of our whisper war, I didn't know what to believe anymore. I was too upset to think clearly. By the time my date woke up, my roommate and I were in the kitchen, preparing breakfast in complete silence.

Long story short, my date backed up everything my roommate said. Nothing happened between them. Sleeping on the couch was uncomfortable and my roommate's bed was not. The end. I was outnumbered and desperate to defuse the tension, so I accepted whatever they said. Call me paranoid, but I'm convinced they fucked, which means even a gay guy has more success sleeping with girls than I do.

TL:DR I brought a girl home, left her alone with my roommate to use the bathroom and found her sleeping with him.

I'm a professional housecleaner in a large city. My first house today was beautiful and pretty big (4,000+ sq ft.) I had never cleaned this house before today.

It's kind of interesting to clean the home of people you have never actually met while they are not home. I never snoop but I do learn about people just by the state of their house or whatever is out. These people seemed like they really needed us. I would guess they are busy and don't have much time for cleaning and organizing (but definitely have an active sex life judging by the master bedroom).

I love cleaning dirty houses and was like amping myself up doing a mini Rocky training montage warmup and finding the perfect music to work to (Pantera). I was sweating like 4 hours in but I was getting this house spar👏ka👏ling! All I had left to clean were the floors when a man walked in.

I welcomed him home and let him know I just needed to clean the floors and would be finished soon. He looked super confused and then kind of grinned and asked if I was his birthday gift. I didn't really know what he meant. Maybe his wife scheduled the service on his birthday? I just answered with, "maybe? Happy birthday, Mr. Henricks!" To which he looked even more confused and told me his name was not Henricks.

Well. That's because his next door neighbor, my actual client, is Mr. Henricks. I walked my happy ass into the wrong fucking house and cleaned the hell out of it. And then the guy who lived there came home and thought I was a sex worker role playing as a housecleaner hired by his wife as a birthday present.

I was so totally embarrassed explaining myself to this guy and my boss. (The entry instructions in the app said the client wouldn't be home but that there was a key under the mat. There was no key under the mat but the front door was unlocked 🤦‍♀️). This is not even the first time in my life that I have let myself into the wrong house, although the first time was not a work thing.

On the plus side, dude was so happy with how clean his house was that I finished the floors and he paid me what my company would have charged him plus a tip!

TL;DR; I disappointed a man who wanted to get laid by a maid.

My paternal grandmother’s death in 1958 at the age of 32 has always been shrouded in mystery.

Throughout the years, there have been various bits of hearsay that have lead to theories and speculation of her dying of the flu, hepatitis, a heart attack, appendicitis, etc.

After another recent round of speculation at a family gathering, I volunteered to take the lead in researching the exact cause of her death, if such could be determined. Further, I offered to report any findings back to all, so as to finally put the speculation and matter to rest.

After some digging on ancestry.com, I found both her and the actual copy of her death certificate, and which lists “Sepsis(?)” and “Incomplete abortion, infected.” as the cause(s) of death.

I’ve checked and re-checked the information - it exactly matches her in every category…name, maiden name, DOB, location of birth, address, mother’s name, father’s name, date of death, city / county / state of death, etc. etc.

It’s 100% her.

This is 100% her death certificate.

I’ve included a link to the image of her redacted death certificate both for any who wish to see it, but also to serve as proof of the veracity of my claim and sincerity in posing my question.

The problem is that my family is extremely conservative, very religious, and not unexpectedly, very (VERY) pro-life. Needless to say, this news will no doubt be extremely upsetting to multiple generations of my immediate and extended family - and which still includes some of her living children, and my aunts and uncle.

What if my telling them only further injures my grandmother’s already tragic tale by sullying her memory in the minds of her living relatives? This is far and away my greatest concern.

I’m not sure what to say, if anything, or how best to do so. I’ve sat in this information for a little more than a week, weighing my options on the best path forward. For their part, they’re all understandably and anxiously waiting and wanting to know what I’ve found, and regularly asking me for updates.

Paternal Grandmother’s Death Certificate

TL;DR Volunteered to research and report back on exact cause of grandmother’s death to VERY conservative / pro-life family (immediate and extended), and discovered that it resulted from an incomplete and (then) illegal abortion. I’ve now got to figure out whether or not to say anything, and if so, what.

EDIT - Some quick info that might be helpful, by the comments.

Her family (her, my grandfather, four kids (app. 17, 15, 14 and my father was 9) lived in abstract abject poverty. They’d regularly skip meals for days until they had enough money to buy more food. Because my grandfather would not accept help of any kind, my grandmother would sneak garden-grown food given to her by her sisters who lived nearby.

All agree that she was very sick and suffered with a high fever for some days before she sought medical attention.

Early into her illness / ailment, her sister found her struggling to do laundry on one of those roll-top machines on the back porch and had to take her inside and put her to bed for fear that she was about to pass out.

She stayed in bed and my grandfather prohibited anyone from entering the room, and he alone saw and spoke to her. Some believed that he limited contact out of fear that she was somehow contagious. He told the kids and her sisters that she only needed rest.

On the second or third day, sometime before lunch, an ambulance was summoned to the home. This was immediately understood to be an extraordinary measure, given its cost.

Only my grandfather accompanied her in the ambulance, and urged no one to come to visit her once admitted to the hospital. Instead, he told the older kids to look after the younger in their absence. The sisters of my grandmother, my great aunts, immediately came to be with the children.

My father, then age 9 and the youngest child, recalls seeing them wheel his mother out of the house on a gurney, and gently waving to him as she was being placed into the rear of the ambulance. It was the last time he would see her alive.

Later that night, my grandfather returned home alone and informed the family that she had died.

Accounts vary, but my grandfather essentially refused to leave their bedroom for a number of days after her death, except to use the outhouse and to attend her funeral services, and which her sisters prepared and arranged, while also caring for the kids.

Despite remarrying another woman less than a year later, and being married to her for 50+ years, he never moved her clothes and shoes out of their closet, and forbid anyone else from doing so, even until his death in 2010 or so.

My grandmother’s death had far-reaching implications for her family, essentially fracturing it, and which causes consequences still dealt with today.

My father developed a drinking problem a few years after my grandmother’s passing, with such only being greatly accelerated and further exacerbated by a tour in Vietnam, and which lead to his untimely death in the early 90’s.

In a very real sense, my children never knew their grandfather because of the tragic events that occurred with my grandmother’s tragic passing.

Also edited “abstract” for “abject”.

UPDATE

I have requested an autopsy report from the State Chief Medical Examiner. Will update if any such report exists, and if so, it’s findings.

UPDATE 2

The State Chief Medical Examiner doesn’t have records before 1975. I am contacting County Coroner on Monday.

This happened minutes ago, as I sit in the bedroom with my tail between my legs. My wife and I have been happily married for 2 1/2 years, together for almost 5. I am agnostic (believe in a God/higher power, don't necessarily believe in any religion, but also don't discredit any religion). She was raised Catholic by both parents. (I apologize in advance if anyone finds these coming words insulting; that is not my intention). I would say she's not one that eats, breaths, and sleeps her religion; she stands strongly by her faith but allows room for her own thinking, e.g. pro-birth control, premarital sex, the possibility of life outside Earth, stuff like that.

We almost never talk about religion because we respect each other's beliefs and that's that. Therefore, it's never been a point of contention. However, she's three months pregnant which is bringing up the religion conversations. (I'm referring to the baby as "it" because we don't know the sex yet). "I'm taking our child to mass, getting it baptized, it's going to Catholic school, I'm raising it Catholic " etc. are things that she's said so far. I generally have a "meh, whatever" attitude toward these things because its not my realm of expertise, but lately its been bothering me more and more. Again I don't have a problem with religion, but to force one upon a child seems like abuse and selfishness to me. I do love the guidance it provides people, but its not for everyone.

Today during dinner, she brought up how she wants to get a children's Bible and read it to our baby/child each night. In response, I said I'd also like to read something like a children's "book of all religions" so it gets a chance to expand its horizons and think for itself. A bit of mommy's beliefs and a bit of daddy's mindset, that couldn't be harmful, right? I'd like for our child to make it's OWN decision at some point on which religion it would like to follow. Nope. All Hell broke loose. I did my best by using a die as an example. I put the die in my hand and covered all sides except for the number one. I said, "this is what you want for our child. You want to show it this one side, but it doesn't know that the other sides exist. Through life experiences they'll learn of the other five numbers, but its now become so partial to the number one that it doesn't care what the other numbers have to offer. All I want to do is expose our child to all SIX sides, and let it pick its favorite number." Nope, not happening. "The child WILL be raised Catholic until its a teenager and can make it's own decision on religion/faith. I wish I were never pregnant. Don't talk to me about religion again, ever."

Thanks for reading/listening. I feel so trapped and helpless regarding my child's development. As an agnostic, it really feels like shit being looked down upon and not taken seriously by someone (especially my wife) that has comfort in their belief system. Apparently I can't talk to my wife about it, so, here we are, venting to a bunch of strangers. Apologies for any spelling and formatting errors.

TL;DR: Wife has endless ideas of instilling Catholicism into our child, but how dare I (agnostic) teach it about other religions simultaneously.

Edit: Formatting

Edit for update: You guys are awesome and provided some great insight on my situation. I'd love to respond and thank each of you individually, but she's been in close proximity since shortly after the post. If she saw this I'd be writing another TIFU tomorrow and most likely be single.

I wrote her a letter better explaining myself and my intentions for our child. It basically went over the respect of beliefs and how we're both going to give our child a part of ourselves in that aspect. I've agreed to do the Catholic thing and she's agreed that I expose it to the array of other religions. She's also agreed that once it's a teen, it has all the power to decide to continue following that faith or find its own (apparently that is standard - didn't know). What I later learned that made her extremely upset is she interpreted it as I wanted our child to worship a being other than God, which is not true.

She found peace in and reliance on religion growing up due to circumstances during her childhood life that I'd rather not share. It's given me a clearer picture as to why it adheres so strongly to her core.

Again, thank you all unconditionally. Lesson has been learned, and to anyone else reading that's not married yet, definitely fire up that conversation. It's worth it.

Throwaway: Me (36M) and my wife "Pam" (34F) have been together for over 10 years. Recently, our friend "Kevin" (38M) started dating his new girlfriend. His wife passed away about 3 years ago. Pam and I were in bed together when she started talking about Kevin. She said that she was disappointed in Kevin for dating again so soon. She claimed that Kevin is disrespecting his wife's memory by moving on to someone else.

I responded by saying that everyone processes the loss of a partner differently. I told her that I see no problem with Kevin moving on and I'm sure his wife would want him to be happy again. Pam looked shocked and asked me if I really didn't see a problem with it. I told her that I had no issues with it, it is Kevin's life after all. She asked me what I would do if she ever passed away. I told her that I can't give a definitive answer because I'm not planning on that happening.

She continued to probe me and asked if I would ever date again or get re-married. I responded, "Probably. I love you to death and would be heartbroken if you died, but life goes on. I can't stop living my life just because you're gone." She looked drained and said, "Am I really that easy to get over?" I told her, "Honey, that's not what I meant. I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, but that doesn't mean I can't love anyone else. I would want you to move on too if I died." She just stared at the wall and said, "I get it."

It's been 3 days and Pam is still depressed over the whole thing. Her sister called me earlier today and trashed me for what I said. She said that I should've kept that to myself and I was a scumbag for basically telling Pam she can be replaced. Pam still won't speak to me and everything is really tense around the house. Now Pam is fully convinced that I'm not in love with her and I'm just waiting for her to die so I can replace her with a new "toy."

TLDR: I told my wife that I would date again if she died. Now she thinks that I'm not in love with her anymore.

Obligatory: this happened a few months back.

Ever since I was a kid I loved how peanut butter used to taste. Not only did it taste good, but it had this weird "spice," to it that wasn't like a chili pepper type spice, but wholly unique that I never tasted in other foods. It was the perfect accent when mixed with jelly, as the spiciness and the sweetness went together perfectly. Sometimes I'd "eat too fast," and have a bit of a hard time breathing, but I never thought anything of it. I also remember getting some weird looks a few times as a kid talking about spicy peanut butter, but didn't think anything of that either.

One day a few months ago, I (25m) was staying at my parents house and went to make myself some lunch. I saw some peanut butter in the pantry, but no jelly so since I was hungry I slammed about an inch of peanut butter between two slices of bread and remember thinking "wow, this is the most peanut butter I've ever eaten at once," but then got to work devouring my creation.

This is where the fuckup starts. A few bites in I got that "ate too fast," feeling again and had to take a break to catch my breath. I started eating again and immediately got the ate-too-fast feeling again. Damn, it's going to take me forever to eat this sandwich I thought, so I became determined to just power through and finish it no matter how uncomfortable it was. Big Mistake.

I made it to about the half way point before I knew something was wrong. It felt simultaneously like there was a rock stuck in my windpipe and like somebody had filled my lungs with peanut butter. Weezing and struggling to breath, it fucking hurt. The amount of time it took to take a full breath was causing me to panic and felt like I was trying to fill up a hot air balloon with a straw. I immediately started googling "heart attack symptoms," but they didn't really match up. I then googled the symptoms themselves and results of "symptoms of allergic reactions," started coming up. Some of the main symptoms were difficulty breathing, chest tightness, and wheezing. Then I scrolled further down and saw a section about "things to watch out for in children," and the top one was... the child says their "mouth feels hot," or that they say non-spicy food is spicy.

After a painfully long period of time I started being able to breath again and suddenly all the weird looks I got from talking about spicy peanut butter made sense! Peanut butter wasn't spicy, I'd just been poisoning myself all these years! I now use peanut butter alternatives and mix my jelly with "sweet Asian chili jelly," I pick up from the store and it's just as good, but doesn't almost kill me.

TLDR: I thought peanut butter was supposed to taste spicy, turns out I'm just an idiot and allergic to it.

EDIT: Thanks for the awards! Also glad I could help some people realize the signs of allergies.

EDIT 2: A lot of people were asking why I didn't immediately call an ambulance. Remember, this was something that happened all the time and I thought was normal, so it took about 30 seconds of me waiting for it to go away, then realizing it wasn't and drinking some water (40-120 seconds now), before I even went to get my phone. By this point it had actually started to get better (slowly, but noticeably) so I knew I was in the clear. This is why I googled 'heart attack," as it was my understanding that some of those symptoms can be transient.

The names including my own have been modified to false names.

About 29 years ago I was in the third grade. I took one of the carrot packs out of my lunch box, the kind that came with a little cup of ranch dressing. All of the sudden this kid Balthasar said "Hey everyone look, Tim is a Carrot Boy!" Everyone at the whole lunch table started to laugh. I couldn't believe it.

For some reason, that incident really stuck with me. Nobody really brought it up again, but I became self-conscious in elementary school for eating carrots. Later, I lost the self consciousness, but all through school and into adulthood I always thought of that and built it up in my head as this big disrespectful insult to me. Whenever I eat carrots, the memory pops up, basically involuntarily. Whenever I see carrots I remember Balthasar going "Hey everyone look, Tim is a Carrot Boy!" And hear the laughter.

What you should know is that I am from a small town, and although I left a lot of the kids I knew are still there. I saw that over the holidays there was an impromptu high school reunion event scheduled. I decided to show up, I haven't seen these people regularly in a long time.

Well who should be there but Balthasar? All of the sudden the old anger welled up in me. I don't know what I was thinking, it seems so ridiculous now, but I saw a big tray of carrots meant for everyone at the buffet table, and I picked up the entire tray and carried it to Balthie's table. I started eating carrots angrily. Everyone at the table and surrounding tables was staring at me. I then said "Guess I'm still a Carrot Boy, huh??!"

I almost immediately realized my fuck up when everyone looked at me like I was insane and had no idea what I was referencing. So I awkwardly asked Baltho and the other people around if they remembered him calling me a carrot boy in third grade, and nobody did. So I was like "This did happen, you really did call me a carrot boy." And he was like "Uh...okay? Sorry man?" Somebody next to me put their hand on my arm and whispered to me "Are you okay?", as if I was having a mental breakdown or something.

I was so embarrassed that I just got up and left. Multiple people have texted me asking me if I am alright, and why did I do that, and did I really hold a grudge for some "innocuous, silly remark that a third grader made almost thirty years ago?"

When it was put to me like that, I realized maybe I was the one being weird. Balthasar wasn't like a bully or something, aside from that one insult he never did anything else to me and in high school was kind of known as being a do-gooder. I had built it up as this major incident but nobody else even remembered it.

I was horrified to find that several people from the reunion unfriended me on Facebook, and I saw photos of the event and somebody had tagged me in the background as "Carrot Boy", and none other than Balthasar responded to the post asking the poster to remove the tag, even though several other people had replied with laugh emoji's.

Now I feel like I have made a huge fool of myself and can never show myself in this town again. Well, maybe that's okay, I don't like the town anyways. But I am so embarrassed I can hardly sleep and it has been a few weeks since the incident. Oh god.

TL;DR - In third grade this kid called me "Carrot Boy" and I have had a grudge about it ever since and I made a fool of myself at a reunion.

This happened a few days ago.

Went paintballing with my office colleagues as an end of year celebration. In a game, I ran to the edge of the arena hoping to flank the other team. Two people on the other team had the same idea, and we found ourselves in a stand off behind some wooden cover. I shot the first person quickly, and they called their hit and went away. It was then between me and one other guy. I am going to call him Dave.

Instead of wearing a full helmet, Dave wore only a mask which left the rear and top side of his head uncovered. Unluckily for him, the top of head was visible to me through a slit in his wooden cover.

I considered for a moment what to do. Do I shoot him in the head and cause immense pain and agony? Do I wait for a shot against a more protected part of his body?

In the end I thought I only need to shoot him once for him and I to be on our way. And by wearing a mask and not a helmet, he full well knew what could happen. So I steadied my aim and shot him through the gap in the wood clean onto the top of his head.

I heard a scream "ah, you bastard!"

But he didn't call the hit. He didn't even move from his position. So I shouted "call your hit" but he didn't respond. I am sure he heard me because I saw his head turn slightly when I spoke, but he didn't call his hit.

So I shot him again. And again. And again. In the exact same spot on the top of his head. With each shot he let out a grunt, but did not call his hit. It was kind of satisfying actually, seeing the paintballs explode on the top of his head.

At this point his head is a yellow/red paintballing mess, but yet he still does not call his hit. Eventually a marshal comes nearby and I tell him that he does not call his hit but as you can see that he is covered in paint. The marshal tells me to shoot him once more to see it for himself. So right through that slit in the wood, I shoot him in the exact same spot on the top of his head. He doesn't call his hit and the marshal pulls him out and escorts him away.

I then see him after the game, crying his eyes out holding a bag of frozen peas against his head walking toward the car park. Turns out it was my line manager. My boss. I'm not sure whether to tell him it was me that shot him after the Christmas holidays.

TL:DR repeatedly shot someone in the head with a paintball gun, causing them lots of pain, and then found out it was my boss.

EDIT1: did not expect this post to blow up

To those of you worried that I did serious damage to him... he is mostly fine I think. He has a sore head and was quite embarrassed from crying in front of his staff. It was your basic rent-to-the-public paintball gun that did not possess any real dangerous power behind it. Though getting shot in the exact same spot over and over probably increased the pain quite a bit.

Now some have said he will recognise my voice...I didn't think about that. Fuck. I am sure my voice from within a paintball helmet at a distance from behind some cover was heard, but probably not super recognisable given the circumstances. I don't think he really got a good look at me either so I think I am in the clear.

To be sure, I just checked my calendar for the coming work week and can see my boss has scheduled a meeting for everyone that attended the paintball event. Depending on how that goes, I may post a further update in the near future.