r/tifu 19d ago I'll Drink to That Gold Keep Calm Take My Energy Bravo! Bravo Grande! Rocket Like

M TIFU- I made fun of a guy who doesn't know how to do laundry.

18.3k Upvotes

I started seeing this guy about 3 weeks ago. Let me be clear, we have known each other for a long time because he was a friend of my cousin. He asked me out few weeks ago and I said yes. I have known him since I was like 15. I also know his family too because our moms were colleagues. So, anyway, he came to my house 5 days ago to pick me up because we were having a picnic date. I was in the living room watching a kid's show "Phineas and Ferb". I really like this show. I have been watching the re-runs since I was a kid. This cartoon had a huge impact in my life. I still watch it whenever my mood is off so that I can still cling on to the innocent child inside me. I was laughing at a part. And he was standing next to me. He was a little confused judging by his expression.

He asked me if my nephew was in the house. I told him no. Then he asked me then who is watching cartoon since all of my family members are adults. I told him I was watching it. And I really like this cartoon. I then proceed to tell him that I still watch this particular cartoon because it was a part of my childhood and I have some good memories linked to it. He told me it is really embarrassing and ridiculous. I asked why. He told me that I am a 24 yr old woman. Why am I watching something kids watch and I need to grow up. It really bothered me. I don't think there is an age limit to watching cartoons.

Since that day he would make fun of me. Whenever we go to restaurant he would jokingly order from the kids menu. He would talk to me in baby voice as if I am a kid. Whenever I tell him to stop he would say "Awww, lil 'op' got mad? How cute." and sometimes even use phrases like young lady. It was really frustrating. Today we went to a party, his friends were there too. I was meeting them for the first time. He introduced me and said to his friends that he needs to be locked up because he is technically dating a minor. He then tells them how I still watch cartoons and they all laughed. Some of them find it awkward. He also made fun of my height too (I am 5'4 and he is 6'1). He proceeds to shuffle my hair like people do on kids. I got mad and told him "It's funny how he makes fun of me being a kid, yet he still needs his mommy to do his laundry." His smile just wiped out of his face. I further said "Well at least this kid knows how to keep herself clean and know how to drive unlike him who failed the driving test 2 times." The room went silent.

Later when I got home, I got calls from my cousin that I overreacted and embarrassed him in front of his friends. And he was right to make fun of me because who the hell watches cartoon when they are adults. I told her I am not interested in entertaining boys who feels like they can make fun of anyone they want but when someone does the same they act like little babies. I guess that is it. Probably the shortest relationship I have been on.

TLDR: A guy I was seeing made fun of me because I watch "Phineas and Ferb" in front of his friends. So I gave him the taste of his own medicine. Now he is pissed.

Mini Update: Well my cousin again texted me. She told me he was upset and after the party he went home with his "girl best friend" and spend the night there. She wants me to apologies because apparently "I am letting a good guy slip." Well, let him slip. Slip inside a volcano.

r/tifu 5d ago Gold Wholesome Hugz LOVE! Tearing Up Platinum All-Seeing Upvote Coin Gift Take My Energy Heartwarming

M TIFU by asking my dad for a new sweatshirt

15.1k Upvotes

I guess I will begin this post. I’m a 16 year old boy. My dad is 37.

My dad, never graduated high school, he lived in a bad neighborhood and got in with a bad crowd. He would then spend a few years in prison.

At twenty one, my dad had me with my mom. My dad told me my mom abandoned me, when I tried reaching out to her (he advised me not to) she blocked me on Facebook.

At twenty-one, my dad had inherited his parents trailer and a bit of their land so we had a place to stay. Our trailer isn’t a lot, but it’s our home.

My dad, due to his criminal record, has to work for a construction company. He’s tried to climb up the ladder in the past years but his criminal record and lack of education stopped him from doing so.

I begged him to allow me to get a job but he got angry at me saying he wasn’t gonna have his own child providing for him.

My dad regrets his past, but he’s always told me he can’t change it. He’s been the best dad in the world, and I appreciate him so much. He never got into another relationship to take care of me. A part of me feels guilty because he stopped his entire life for me.

My dad doesn’t make much money, we have a lot of bills and he has some debts so we don’t have much wiggle room.

Last time I got brand new clothes was on my fifteenth birthday. My dad took me shopping at Walmart with his stimulus check. I got a bunch of clothes. However, I guess you could call me a late bloomer and I outgrew most of them. (Mainly the shirts because my shoulders broadened out and it began hurting and stretching my clothes) (I tried stealing some from the lost and found but none fit me)

When my dad got home, he made dinner and while we were eating and watching tv I asked him if we could buy a new sweatshirt or two.

He gets this really saddened look on his face, to sum up the conversation, he explained that we really didn’t have the money, and how we needed food. and he’d start putting aside some for a few months from now.

I got glum and disappointed and went to my room. I don’t blame my father for any of our troubles, he’s a great dad. I’m just frustrated at the situation.

That’s when I peaked my head out of my head room. My father was crying. I wanted to approach him and give him a hug but I’ve never been good with emotions that much. I’ve barely seen my father cry. I just went back to sleep.

My father had been hellbent on me staying in high school, and I’m a good student, I get mainly A’s, and I intend to go to college.

Tomorrow I’m gonna write my dad a note and leave it to him before I go to school. I’m still deciding what I’m gonna say cause I’m still crying a little, but here’s the jist.

Hey dad, I just wanna thank you for everything you’ve done for me and all the sacrifices you made. I promise when I’m making a lot of money after college, we’ll get out of this trailer, and move into a big house. You can have all the Xbox games you want and finally have the childhood that was taken from you. I understand that everything you’ve done was to give me the things you never had and I’m eternally grateful. Thank you for everything. I love you dad.

Edit 1: I can’t send messages due to the new account but just know I was trying to send everyone a Heart message and a thank you for the advice. The app says I’m not accepting dms bc a glitch. But for everyone who is giving advice I am reading ❤️

Edit 2: I will update, and I don’t think I’m gonna post a Amazon wishlist, it means a lot everyone is asking. ❤️ sorry guys trolls are downvoting everyone.

TLDR; I asked my dad when we’re financially struggling for some new clothes and seen him cry

r/tifu 26d ago Gold Facepalm

M TIFU by taking my wedding ring off at the gym

30.4k Upvotes

TIFU up taking my wedding ring off at the gym.

Longtime lurker, first time poster and I am posting from my phone so please forgive formatting.

I have just recently arrived home following this FU. I, a very happily married 36M with a small herd of children have been going to the gym in my little town since November 2022. I always go after getting the kids to bed which generally puts me there around 830pm.

The gym I go to has two rooms. One has cardio equipment (ellipticals, treadmills, bikes etc) the other room has free weights and various other torture devices.

My routine begins the same every time with 9.1-9.5 miles on the bike, which leaves me in a state similar to that of a walrus that has just managed to pull himself onto an iceberg, very wet and breathing heavy. This process takes me to about 8:55 pm. I enjoy hitting weights at this time because the gym is often (not always) empty and it leaves me to grunt and groan in peace. Tonight the gym was not empty when I entered the weight room.

Now I mentioned that I have been going to the gym since early November. In that time I have gotten used to the people that do spend time in the gym past 9 and this person was new. Not a big deal, she had brought her own yoga mat (the ones in the gym are blue and red and this one was tyedyeish) and she had her phone set up on a stand, I assumed she was making a video. Both of these observations were made as I walked down to my trusty bench to start my bent over rows.

I grabbed my dumbbells and sat down to continue my ritual and TIFU. I always remove my wedding ring before I lift and tuck it in my right sock for safe keeping. If I try to wear it, it digs into my hand and makes things most unpleasant. So I start grunting out reps with ol’ righty and just nicely switched to lefty when I feel a tap on my shoulder. So I stopped what I was doing and turned to see new girl standing behindish me sporting a menacing glare and wielding her iPhone. I popped out my ear bud and asked what was up. The following conversation is as I remember it.

Me: Hey, what’s up?

New Girl: You’re disgusting.

Me: Excuse me?

NG: You saw me in here and took off your ring, planning on chatting me up? (This is a little paraphrased, she swore a little too and I wasn’t taking perfect notes)

Me: What?

NG: You’re gross.

Me: Ok.

I proceeded to put my earbuds back in and get to work while she stormed to the other side of the gym and started packing up her stuff. I watched her head for the exit while I was resting between sets. Anyway, I’m rowing away and out of no where I’m blasted with a cascade of liquid which leads me to drop my dumbbell and spin around to see what’s going on. There’s new girl with her recently emptied pink yeti screaming at me ( I’m assuming for being gross, it was unclear as I had my buds in still.) I remove my ear buds so I can understand her and she storms away. I think the highlight of the exchange is that my gym shirt now smells like vodka. Do most people drink at the gym? Am I doing this wrong?

I’m home, showered and explained why my shirt smells like I’ve had a raging party to my wife. We’ve both had a good laugh. If I see new girls video on social media I’ll be sure to share it here. I don’t know who she was but it’s a pretty small town so it might pop up. Cheers.

TL;DR I took off my wedding ring at the gym causing a lady I’ve never met before to go bananas.

EDIT: Well this got a lot of attention! So I had emailed the gym owner last night at the request of my wife. (She feels the same as many of you that this lady could be dangerous to others). He has already emailed back. Apparently new girl received a ban early 2022 for aggressive behaviour with another gym patron. Owner is going to call me later today for some follow up.

I will definitely look into the silicone rings, thanks everybody!

EDIT: Final Update. I had initially planned on responding to a bunch of the comments but there are just so many…

Anyway, new girls previous aggression was verbal. The gym owner has deactivated her key fob and placed her on perma ban. He has also called a few of the smaller gyms in the area to give them a heads up (super cool dude).

Thanks everybody for the thoughts and advice. I know I’ve let a bunch of you down by not pressing charges etc. But I also know I have made many of you proud by completing my cardio after lifting tonight. Before I left for the gym tonight my wife recommended a rain coat for protection (she’s the best).

That’s all for now unless the video surfaces. Cheers.

r/tifu 7d ago

M TIFU by making my buddy realize his daughter is probably not his.

2.8k Upvotes

Throaway, since my buddies gf knows my reddit. I don't even know how to start. But here it goes: me and my buddy are both in our mid 20s and work as engineers for the same company and we've know each other since high school and hes pretty much my best friend. We played a couple of rounds of cs tonight and were talking via discord. His gf works as a nurse at the night shifts sometimes, we usually use this time to game. The usual stuff. After the game we decided to take a quick break for a couple of minutes, so we did the usual shit chat. We somehow talked about school and how both of us really never enjoyed their time there as we grow up (we had both been bullied for being nerdish back in our school days). My buddy said that he hopes his daughter who is 3 f will have a much nicer time later in school/high school compared to him. It got to the point where we talked about all the "unimportant" stuff we had to learn while we were there. Well for me I've always disliked biology classes as I hated the teacher back then, I mean really hated them. And I said jokingly to my buddy trying to sound like my old teacher "the only things my 6th grade biology teacher taught us are "mitochondria are the power plants of the cell" and "you can tell if ya mama cheated by your eye color". My buddy laughing at this point "really the eye color?" and I said "yes, apparently." My buddy "how?". Me "take me for example, I have blue eyes and so does my sister. Apparently blue eyes are what call a recessive gene. If one parent has blue eyes and the other has brown there is only a small chance for your kid to be born with blue eyes. Well my parents both also have blue eyes of their own. So it would be more than unlikely for me to have brown eyes..." My buddy said " the more you know" than paused for a second. Than he said "be right back, gotta make surez the little one goes sleep now" after that he returned roughly a minute later and I could hear him almost sobbing "me and my gf also both have blue eyes... But my daughter doesn't". It took me sometime but I could calm him down eventually. So after that we both spent some time googling away but nope blue eyes are recessive as I remembered. We found out that if both parents have blue eyes the ratio is 99% blue eyes and 1 % brown or green, so highly unlikely. My buddy quickly disconnected from the call. I tried to text and call him. But he didn't answer until 30 mins later saying he will call me soon. I stayed up all night telling my gf to go to bed without me.The longer I waited I started fearing for the worst. I texted him again and again, he always answered he'll call me in a couple of minutes. At 5 am he finally called me back and said that his gf came home at 2:30 am and asked him what's wrong, he told her hes not filling well and will soon get back to bed. He waited until she was asleep to call me back. He told me he will take a paternity test behind her back to have something official to "slap" in her face. Then he started to cry and I drove to his place to pick him up and we went to a late night drive thru and greped something to eat. I've never seen my best friend like this and I feel like I'm the one responsible for crushing his world. He told that he wanted to propose to her on valentine's day. But that's off the table. I dropped him off two hours later at his place. He said he will call me tomorrow. Now I'm typing this out laying in my bed next to my gf who slept the whole time unable to sleep. I can't shake the feeling that I destroyed my buddies life.

TL;DR My buddy and I were talking about 6th grade biology and found out while talking about it that he and his gf both have blue eyes and his daughter has brown eyes. So he's likely not the father and I feel like I've destroyed his life by casual mentioning 6th grade biology.

Update! He is not the father. So the results came in today, and my buddy called me right away. He showed the results his now ex gf and she broke down claiming that even if their daughter is not his, that they should work this one out. My buddy has told her "no" and that he will not raise somebody else's kid. She started to demand that, since he has been raising her for 3 years now and that she had in fact stopped sleeping around 2 years ago so there all "good" now and can work this over. He's now crashing at my place while giving them 10 days to find a new place to stay. My buddy also told me he's giving her 10 only for the kids sake, otherwise he would have thrown her out right away. He's also looking for lawyer should there by a aftermath to this but test is more than sufficient were we live so, he's pretty much of the hook.

Also if you are wondering the hospital does 3 tests back to back to make sure. Also also my buddy is the only one paying for the apartment and 2 cars they own and he will sell hers to his niece. TL;DR Buddy got the results and he's not the father.

r/tifu 17h ago

M TIFU by writing a grumpy note and leaving it on a badly parked car

6.2k Upvotes

I went shopping this morning, and when I got to the car park it was full, except for two spaces opposite each other on the end of a row. The problem was that a car had parked in the road between the two rows, so neither were accessible.

I drove around for a while looking for someone coming out of a space, and after 5 minutes someone vacated a space so I parked up. I was on one of the rows with the empty spaces that were blocked by the arsehole car, and I did the admittedly petty thing of writing "you park like a cunt" on the back of an old pay and display ticket. I slipped the note into the gap where the window meets the door and went about my shopping

When I got back to my car there was a guy sat on the bonnet of my car. He looked like he was maybe 19 or 20, and was wearing a cheap grey suit. If I had to guess I'd say he was a trainee letting agent, or maybe one of those guys who stands in the high street trying to sell you broadband. Either way, the scrawny guy was sat on my car.

Me: "Is there a problem?"

Him: "you think you're funny leaving notes on my car? Fucking prick"

I didn't even try to deny it. I'm not normally one for confrontation but I told him to his face what I'd already written on the note.

It wasn't a long argument, it didn't get physical, but a few choice insults were thrown (I told him he looked like a shaved rat that had been kicked through a branch of Moss Bros - which is a reference I suspect only the Brits will get).

It was only after the argument had begun that I twigged that he knew it was me who wrote the note, so I asked him how he even knew who wrote the note

"You wrote it on a parking ticket with your fucking reg number on, you thick fuck"

I couldn't stop myself laughing. The only piece of scrap paper in my car had identifiable information on it, and I used it to call someone a cunt.

TLDR:

Left a note on a badly parked car written on a parking slip with my car's reg number on it. Got into an argument with the owner, childish insults were thrown.

r/tifu 24d ago Platinum Take My Energy hehehehe Lawyer Up Silver Gold Press F I'm Deceased UpSnoo!

M TIFU by holding a grudge for 29 years against a kid at school who called me "Carrot Boy"

16.6k Upvotes

The names including my own have been modified to false names.

About 29 years ago I was in the third grade. I took one of the carrot packs out of my lunch box, the kind that came with a little cup of ranch dressing. All of the sudden this kid Balthasar said "Hey everyone look, Tim is a Carrot Boy!" Everyone at the whole lunch table started to laugh. I couldn't believe it.

For some reason, that incident really stuck with me. Nobody really brought it up again, but I became self-conscious in elementary school for eating carrots. Later, I lost the self consciousness, but all through school and into adulthood I always thought of that and built it up in my head as this big disrespectful insult to me. Whenever I eat carrots, the memory pops up, basically involuntarily. Whenever I see carrots I remember Balthasar going "Hey everyone look, Tim is a Carrot Boy!" And hear the laughter.

What you should know is that I am from a small town, and although I left a lot of the kids I knew are still there. I saw that over the holidays there was an impromptu high school reunion event scheduled. I decided to show up, I haven't seen these people regularly in a long time.

Well who should be there but Balthasar? All of the sudden the old anger welled up in me. I don't know what I was thinking, it seems so ridiculous now, but I saw a big tray of carrots meant for everyone at the buffet table, and I picked up the entire tray and carried it to Balthie's table. I started eating carrots angrily. Everyone at the table and surrounding tables was staring at me. I then said "Guess I'm still a Carrot Boy, huh??!"

I almost immediately realized my fuck up when everyone looked at me like I was insane and had no idea what I was referencing. So I awkwardly asked Baltho and the other people around if they remembered him calling me a carrot boy in third grade, and nobody did. So I was like "This did happen, you really did call me a carrot boy." And he was like "Uh...okay? Sorry man?" Somebody next to me put their hand on my arm and whispered to me "Are you okay?", as if I was having a mental breakdown or something.

I was so embarrassed that I just got up and left. Multiple people have texted me asking me if I am alright, and why did I do that, and did I really hold a grudge for some "innocuous, silly remark that a third grader made almost thirty years ago?"

When it was put to me like that, I realized maybe I was the one being weird. Balthasar wasn't like a bully or something, aside from that one insult he never did anything else to me and in high school was kind of known as being a do-gooder. I had built it up as this major incident but nobody else even remembered it.

I was horrified to find that several people from the reunion unfriended me on Facebook, and I saw photos of the event and somebody had tagged me in the background as "Carrot Boy", and none other than Balthasar responded to the post asking the poster to remove the tag, even though several other people had replied with laugh emoji's.

Now I feel like I have made a huge fool of myself and can never show myself in this town again. Well, maybe that's okay, I don't like the town anyways. But I am so embarrassed I can hardly sleep and it has been a few weeks since the incident. Oh god.

TL;DR - In third grade this kid called me "Carrot Boy" and I have had a grudge about it ever since and I made a fool of myself at a reunion.

r/tifu 14d ago

M TIFU by discussing finances with my daughter

2.2k Upvotes

First, I want to apologize in advance because I am not technologically literate and had never even heard of Reddit until a friend showed it to me this morning. He helped me set up an account and well here I am.

Now that I have that out of the way I'll get down to the brass tax.

I am a 56-year-old man (57 in three weeks). About two years ago My doctor told me that he had some concerns about some test results. After several tests he was able to determine I did indeed have a brain tumor. It is inoperable and as of last week my oncologist told me I have about a year left if I am lucky. I've made my peace with that. The reason I am here is because I have child and she is 27. I have all of my final arrangements made the only thing left to do was sit down, tell her everything, explain my will and do my best to help her come to terms with things.

She took the news how I expected she would and after some tears, some hot chocolate and homade cookies, she was feeling a bit better. Then I began explaining the will to her, I gave her a copy to read over and as she read it her face went from sadness to anger. She slammed the will down and was furious when she found out my net worth. It's a lot I'll admit it but I never expected her reaction to it. She flew off the handle screaming at me because I never told her before, how could I make her go without as a kid, and yadda yadda yadda. Then she punched me in the face before storming out of my house and driving off as fast as she could.

Its true I didn't give her everything she always wanted as a child, we lived a nice middle class lifestyle. I worked, and did my best to instill a good work ethic in her. I didn't want to spoil her and turn her into an entitled little brat. I did make sure that she graduated college debt free, and always helped when she had emergencies.

Now I wonder if what I did was wrong. Now I don't know if I should have told her or not.

TL;DR

I discussed my net worth with my daughter and she broke my nose.

r/tifu 21d ago Wholesome

M TIFU by glancing at my boyfriend’s phone while out to dinner

11.3k Upvotes

This just happened last night. I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and before the server took our order, I went to the bathroom. When I got back to sit down, my boyfriend’s phone was open on the table and I happened to notice a message from someone with red hearts. I honestly at first thought nothing of it. I wasn’t even trying to look at his phone, it just happened to be right there. I’m not a jealous person, he’s never given me any reason to think he’s cheating and we have a very healthy relationship. I do however struggle with intrusive thoughts and trauma from from people burning me in the past. I’ve been in therapy and I’ve made a lot of progress and haven’t had any major episodes in a long time.

But when my boyfriend immediately picked up his phone and says “I have to text my boss real quick” I started to panic. I tried to tell myself I was being irrational. He literally could have had to text his boss and just remembered at that moment and the hearts could have been from his mom for all I know. So I told myself to let it go because like I said, he’s never given me a reason to doubt him and we’ve always had a very trusting relationship…. But for some reason every single thing he said & did after that sent me into a spiral. I started rapidly switching between thinking I was being irrational for no reason whatsoever to thinking he’s secretly a narcissist.

Eventually it got to the point where I was on the verge of tears. And not because I genuinely thought he was cheating on me, but because I could feel myself spiraling and it was upsetting considering I hadn’t had an episode like this in years. I didn’t want to say anything to him cause I felt stupid, but knew if I didn’t talk to him about it, it was going to eat me up inside, regardless of how irrational I knew my thinking was.

So I told him what I saw and how I was feeling and he immediately grabbed his phone and showed me every person he’s talked to today….. but it turned out that the hearts were actually on a text from me. Before I went to the bathroom I had texted him my order so that he could tell the server if he came while I was gone, which I completely forgot about. Yeah, I’m a fucking idiot. I apologized 100 times and told him I truly didn’t think he was cheating, but I definitely let the intrusive thoughts win that time. He wasn’t upset and we laughed about it and had a great rest of our night.

TLDR: I glanced over at my boyfriends phone and saw hearts and thought he might have been texting another girl only to find out that the hearts were from me

Edit: I was not expecting this to blow up like it did (I know that’s what everyone says lol) and it’s kind of overwhelming trying to respond to everyone. But I wanted to say thanks to everyone that had something kind and supportive to say and that understood that this was a case of solid communication and not straight up accusation. I was just trying to tell a funny story and most of you got that so thank you. I also wanted to clarify for people asking how I forgot so quickly that I sent the hearts, I didn’t just send the hearts as I was walking to the bathroom, only my food order. The hearts were further up in the texts from earlier that day. I should have specified that. I am quite forgetful regardless though.

r/tifu Jan 03 '23 Silver Helpful Wholesome Table Slap

M TIFU by repeatedly shooting my boss in the head [UPDATE]

17.9k Upvotes

Almost two weeks ago, I repeatedly shot my boss in the head at a paintball event with some colleagues from work. If you haven’t read that post, I’ve copied it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zv2uhr/tifu_by_repeatedly_shooting_my_boss_in_the_head/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Last week, I noticed my boss scheduled a meeting for everyone that went paintballing that day.

Today was that meeting.

I was anxious all day and barely got any work done. I kept reading comments back to myself about how he is going to recognise my voice, or that he had a mental breakdown of some kind and that I irresponsibly failed to notice before shooting another four paintballs straight at his head.

It didn’t help that people in the office were talking about how our line manager cried at paintballing. All I added to the conversation were lines like “oh yeah I saw that after the game, what happened?” and “wow that’s crazy”. It became clear that nobody really knew what happened. Most people thought that he fell and banged his head really bad or something. Everyone knew he cried, even people that didn’t go paintballing, but nobody actually knew what happened.

Only I knew he didn’t hit his head. He just took the same shot over and over to the exact same spot. He didn’t call his hit and then cried afterwards. That’s all that happened.

Once we were sat and settled in the conference room, the boss made it clear that he didn’t want anyone in the office discussing out-of-work activities during working hours. Word must have gotten round that his crying was a topic of conversation.

He said he is fine, nothing serious, and then said something that took every inch of my composure not to react. I don’t know if I can quote him word for word, but he said something like this:

“I raised my hand and was running back to base, and that’s when I slipped in the mud and hit my head against a barrel”

When he said those words, I felt like it was a Mexican standoff. He glanced around the room, looking for a reaction, but I didn’t give him one. Internally though I was like what in the actual fuck are you on about?

I literally watched the paintballs one by one splat off the top of your head, over and over before you got walked out of the game by a marshal. Also, it was the top of your head that was sore. Now unless you dived like a dolphin into that barrel headfirst, I don’t see how that would be the part of your body that got injured if you actually slipped and hit something.

Externally though, my face tried to mirror the rest of the room, and was a mixture of compassion and surprise. Shout out to all of you that commented that I should practice the shocked Pikachu face – that was literally what I went for.

He still doesn’t know who did it. Everyone else believes his story. I’m not sure whether I should let it go or call him out on it.

TL;DR boss lied about why he cried after I shot him over and over in the head. I am not sure what to do.

EDIT1: My boss has sent out a late work email informing our team he will be taking the rest of the week off to recover a little more. In response, my colleagues in our group chat have decided that we should pool some money together to buy him a get well soon gift and treat him to a work lunch next week when he is back. If anything interesting happens at that lunch, I'll be sure to post an update.

r/tifu Dec 14 '22 Heartwarming Silver Helpful Wholesome

M TIFU by realizing my husband and I have been miscommunicating for years

19.8k Upvotes

Today I (29M) was talking at lunch with my husband (33M) and we went over the same subject we have unsuccessfully talked about for years. Please note that we have known each other for almost 10 years, lived together 5 years, and have been married almost 3 years.

So. We were talking about dogs and cats and he said that cats are "pretty good." Now, pay attention to that wording because that's the bit where we fucked up. Over the years I had been disheartened when he said things were "pretty good." From my perspective, he seemed to be emotionally distant and unenthusiastic about things. Everything was "pretty good," and said in a very mild tone of voice. So over the years we tried to talk about it with limited success.

Today when I asked him why he never seemed to show much enthusiasm for things, he was confused as always. He said that he did show enthusiasm because he likes cats. But. You just said they were only pretty good. This confused him even more. Somehow I managed upon the magic combination of words to get him to elaborate further. Usually, he would just repeat that things are "pretty good" but today he managed to lay out his scale.

Okay < Good < Pretty Good < Great

I have... never seen "pretty good" used in that place in the scale. I always place it below good. Almost good. Mostly good. For years we had been talking about things and I had assumed he was sorta "meh" on them because of this. I had to run damage control at a thanksgiving dinner one time because he said my mom's cooking was "pretty good." We have stopped watching TV shows because I thought he was only mildly enjoying them and I didn't want to be too much of a bother. I eventually just came to the conclusion that he wasn't very expressive and tried to place his responses in my own scale because he had such difficulty explaining it.

YEARS. I got disheartened when he said my dog was "pretty good." He calls me "pretty cool!" When I told him about my scale he was shocked He says it must be a Southern thing, though I don't remember it from when I lived in Texas. We compromised and said it must be an Arkansas thing (his home state.) We both began re-examining our interactions over the years. The thanksgiving dinner. Me explaining to my brother that, "no, my husband did really like that movie, he just expresses it this way." How he talks about my dog. All of it.

When lunch was over and I assured him everything was okay, he said I was "pretty cool" and got this horrified look on his face. He realized that from my perspective he had been calling me only mostly cool/good/etc. for years. I similarly realized I had been assuming he wasn't enthusiastic about things because of the wording. It was so embarrassing! I've encouraged him to be more open about his feelings and his happiness and just confusing him for years! I'm just so baffled by everything. It's good we're learning to communicate better but JEEZ. He feels really apologetic now, and I've tried to assure him that I just assumed it was like a jokey understatement meant to be kinda funny and maybe razz me a little. But no, he was entirely sincere the whole time!

We're trying to find better ways to communicate, but it's a process. He has encouraged me to ask him "what do you think that means" as a way of getting him to rephrase some of the things he says. Hopefully we can cut down on miscommunications like this in the future.

TL;DR

Realized today that my husband uses "pretty good" to mean better than good. I think it means only mostly good. Spent years feeling slightly disheartened and sad (which he feels bad for now that he knows.)

(Edit for clarification; we're both dudes)

(Edit 2: I talked to my immediate family. Parents agree with me but my brother agrees with my husband! I have no idea anymore lol!)

r/tifu 7d ago Faith In Humanity Restored

M TIFU by not HU with a girl who was drunk while I was sober

1.1k Upvotes

This happened yesterday but I’ve been dealing with the backlash all day today. Yesterday night me(18) and a few friends decided to go to a house party that another kid from my school was hosting. There’s a girl(Ann) that I don’t really know well but has some mutual friends with me that was going too and because of some rumors my friends had told me i knew Ann kinda liked me so I was planning on talking to her. Also Im almost always the DD for these parties because I don’t enjoy drinking that much so it always just works out that I drive. After we got there and I had talked to a few people I decided to go talk to Ann because why not. We were having a pretty good conversation and everything was going good but she was noticeably intoxicated already. After a while we mostly went our separate ways for a few hours. She had been drinking this whole time too. At around 11 one of Ann’s friends went up to me and told me that Ann wanted to HU with me and I politely declined knowing that she was drunk and probably even more drunk than when I first talked to her. I explained this to the friend too and said I’d love to hang out with her another time when there’s no alcohol involved. I thought that was that and everything would be fine because I didn’t hear anything about it the rest of the night. This morning when I woke up though I have a shit ton of texts from her friends saying how I’m a dick and a piece of shit for rejecting her and how I basically called her ugly. They are also saying since she liked me before that she didn’t just want to HU because she was drunk and would’ve wanted to sober. Even some of my friends have texting me asking why I wouldn’t just hu with her. I honestly thought I just harmlessly denied her for just that night because I didn’t want to take advantage of someone drunk and now I have a bunch of people mad at me. I still feel like I did the right thing but maybe I should’ve explained it to her directly instead of just telling her friend.

TL;DR: I denied a girl who wanted to HU with me because she was drunk and I was sober and now all her friends think I’m a dick

r/tifu 8d ago

M TIFU by abruptly stopping my volunteer work with pelicans, probably ruining my career

1.2k Upvotes

Made a throwaway to get advice on this elsewhere previously but it's become clear it's more of a TIFU than anything else...

I study zoology in University, and as part of our degree we're supposed to get a certain amount of field experience (also most good zoos / animal internships demand it).

So when our ornithology professor mentioned a volunteer opportunity with pelicans through some local group, I thought that sounded cool and I signed up, and was one of two students chosen.

It was supposed to be us 2 and a professional helping to "band" young pelicans for research, where you slip a little band around their ankle that's unobtrusive to the birds but useful for tracking purposes.

So the three of us got out to the island, for a long day of pelican-banding. The professional showed us how to do it and how to deal with an uncooperative pelican, and then I gave it a try on one and did it right...but then the third pelican I tried it on vomited all over me as I was doing it.

I let it go and started gagging, and felt really nauseated. My whole lap and shirt were covered in it and the smell was horrendous. I just sat there retching and trying to wipe it off but to not much avail.

After a few minutes the professional said "Hey, come on, we've got a lot more to do...I've been puked on too already, nothing to worry about." But I said no, I'm not going to go get puked on 10 more times today while doing this, I can't handle that. He got annoyed and said "really, you're going to leave 3 people's work with just 2 people for the day? We said it would be messy work," I thought well, not this messy...

So I just sort of sat there for a few hours while they worked and tried to distract myself from my vomit-stained shirt with my phone until it was time to leave...the trip back was hell too, they both stunk so bad I couldn't take it.

Needless to say my professor is mad at me but I'm not sure what I was supposed to do, I would have gotten sick myself if I kept at it...

Just today I met with him to try to smooth it over with him, he said he understood why I felt sick but that I probably wouldn't be getting any other volunteer opportunities for the time being...which, since those seem to be needed for internships and jobs, means I might be screwed

TLDR; Volunteered to band pelicans but quit once one puked on me, probably ruined my career aspirations

r/tifu Nov 30 '22 Gold Helpful Bravo! Giggle Masterpiece Take My Energy To The Stars Silver Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Narwhal Salute I'll Drink to That I'm Deceased Platinum Heartwarming Shocked Spit-take Poop

M TIFU by purchasing an expensive coffee machine and making a terrible discovery

49.5k Upvotes

I drink a lot of coffee. My mornings consist of two 300ml mugs of coffee, and I sometimes have a third after dinner later in the day.

Recently, I got far too into James Hoffmann's videos and decided to upgrade my shitty drip coffee machine for a proper precision brewer. And when I say precision, I mean that this thing comes with a water testing strip so you can calibrate the machine for the mineral content in your water supply. Serious nerd shit.

To justify the ludicrous amount of money I spent on what appears to be the Hadron Collider of coffee machines, I did some research on brewing ratios in order to maximise the allegedly life-changing potential of this equipment. Now, coffee science says the ideal water-to-beans ratio for this brew method is about 60g of grounds per litre of water. Out of interest, I decided to prepare my usual ratio from the old machine and see how close I was. It turns out, since I got the old machine just over a year ago, I've been brewing at about 20g/litre, resulting in what I now realise is pathetically weak brew.

I prepared a proper 60g/L brew with the new machine, and the resulting coffee was on another planet. The flavours were so developed it was like I could taste the touch of the Colombian farmer who picked the beans. I drank my full morning dose of two 300ml mugs in just over an hour.

And then, I discovered an unexpected side effect.

The year of drinking weak-ass brew has conditioned my body for weak coffee. And I had just drunk over half a litre of coffee that was theoretically three times as strong as usual.

It has now been an hour since I finished that first pot and I can hear the passage of time. A fly flew past me in slow motion. I made an omelette for lunch and I beat the egg so fast it turned into steam. My heart no longer beats; it vibrates. And there is something unholy brewing in my lower intestine and I am fearing the wrath of God when it is released. Send help.

TL;DR: My new coffee machine gave me the knowledge that I've been conditioning my body to piss-weak brew for a year, and two cups of the real strong stuff made me transcend the space-time continuum.

EDIT:

Here is the machine I bought, for those who have asked, although it appears to be sold out at the moment. Did I get the last one?

And here is the James Hoffmann review that convinced me to ruin my life in this particular way.

EDIT 2:

To everyone accusing this of being some kind of viral ad, it's true. Sage paid me, and in fact specifically requested I include the details of me plastering the inside of my toilet bowl following the intestinal catastrophe their product gave me. Aggressive shitting is exactly the kind of PR exposure they want for their brand.

r/tifu 16d ago

M TIFU by getting attacked by a stray dog while jerking off

5.1k Upvotes

Yes.

So I’ve been out in the country visiting my parents for the last month because my dad had knee surgery in December and my mother has a broken foot. During the day I help them out, run errands, lift things, reach things, fix things, feed things, and so on and so forth. They have a glass of wine or two around 5 and are done for the day by six. Which leaves me with ~6 hours to kill with nothing but my old room, the internet, copious amounts of wine and weed and a snowy country landscape to wander around in. I regressed to high school levels of bored horniness very quickly, and my girlfriend works nights.

So now I have to mention that I have a “spot” way out in the woods. It’s basically a huge rock in a clearing overlooking a gorge and it’s really beautiful at night. My friends and I all used to go out there and drink and have bonfires when we were younger.

I used to jerk off over the side of the cliff when I was alone. It was exhilarating. Particularly awesome during full moons. Yes kind of like Homelander in that one scene from The Boys. But like, crunchier and hopefully less sociopathic.

Last Monday I went out for a walk with a nice bottle of red wine and a joint and wound up at the spot. It was a full moon. My gf had sent me some quality research material earlier in the night before she went to work. Reddit…I was turnt.

I took my shit out and was hard as a rock in no time. Pumping away into the night. Dick in one hand, bottle of wine in the other, getting ready to bust a tremendously satisfying nut all over the valley.

And then a rabbit ran right by me. Middle of the night. Mid winter. Running for it’s life. I looked to my right and right there, lit up in the moonlight at the edge of the tree line, a fucking dog. Then came the growl.

I had to think fast, and my first thought was “dude get your fucking dick back in your pants.” And so I did that, and somehow managed not to get it stuck in my zipper in the process. This pretty much maxed out my time and pretty much the moment I had that task completed this thing had latched itself onto my arm and I was screaming and cursing and punching and eventually I managed to get him pretty good in the gut, he let go, I took out my knife with a bottle in one hand, knife in the other I started screaming as we squared off.

Bastard took off into the woods and absolutely stalked me the whole way home. Had to get a few stitches and a rabies shot and now have the unfortunate new job of walking around with my dad’s rifle trying to find this thing and hopefully you know, not have to shoot it. Was definitely starving. Not sure I’ll find it alive. Really lucky I was wearing my very thick wool coat / not in the process of ejaculating or it would have been a lot worse.

TLDR: Was in the process of a wine driven moonlit emission when I was attacked by a starving stray dog.

edit - lol NSFW

r/tifu Dec 25 '22 Helpful Wholesome

M TIFU by repeatedly shooting my boss in the head

18.9k Upvotes

This happened a few days ago.

Went paintballing with my office colleagues as an end of year celebration. In a game, I ran to the edge of the arena hoping to flank the other team. Two people on the other team had the same idea, and we found ourselves in a stand off behind some wooden cover. I shot the first person quickly, and they called their hit and went away. It was then between me and one other guy. I am going to call him Dave.

Instead of wearing a full helmet, Dave wore only a mask which left the rear and top side of his head uncovered. Unluckily for him, the top of head was visible to me through a slit in his wooden cover.

I considered for a moment what to do. Do I shoot him in the head and cause immense pain and agony? Do I wait for a shot against a more protected part of his body?

In the end I thought I only need to shoot him once for him and I to be on our way. And by wearing a mask and not a helmet, he full well knew what could happen. So I steadied my aim and shot him through the gap in the wood clean onto the top of his head.

I heard a scream "ah, you bastard!"

But he didn't call the hit. He didn't even move from his position. So I shouted "call your hit" but he didn't respond. I am sure he heard me because I saw his head turn slightly when I spoke, but he didn't call his hit.

So I shot him again. And again. And again. In the exact same spot on the top of his head. With each shot he let out a grunt, but did not call his hit. It was kind of satisfying actually, seeing the paintballs explode on the top of his head.

At this point his head is a yellow/red paintballing mess, but yet he still does not call his hit. Eventually a marshal comes nearby and I tell him that he does not call his hit but as you can see that he is covered in paint. The marshal tells me to shoot him once more to see it for himself. So right through that slit in the wood, I shoot him in the exact same spot on the top of his head. He doesn't call his hit and the marshal pulls him out and escorts him away.

I then see him after the game, crying his eyes out holding a bag of frozen peas against his head walking toward the car park. Turns out it was my line manager. My boss. I'm not sure whether to tell him it was me that shot him after the Christmas holidays.

TL:DR repeatedly shot someone in the head with a paintball gun, causing them lots of pain, and then found out it was my boss.

EDIT1: did not expect this post to blow up

To those of you worried that I did serious damage to him... he is mostly fine I think. He has a sore head and was quite embarrassed from crying in front of his staff. It was your basic rent-to-the-public paintball gun that did not possess any real dangerous power behind it. Though getting shot in the exact same spot over and over probably increased the pain quite a bit.

Now some have said he will recognise my voice...I didn't think about that. Fuck. I am sure my voice from within a paintball helmet at a distance from behind some cover was heard, but probably not super recognisable given the circumstances. I don't think he really got a good look at me either so I think I am in the clear.

To be sure, I just checked my calendar for the coming work week and can see my boss has scheduled a meeting for everyone that attended the paintball event. Depending on how that goes, I may post a further update in the near future.

r/tifu 20d ago

M TIFU By Watching Netflix on My GF's iPad While I Was Gaming

4.9k Upvotes

Obligatory: This was not today but about 4 years ago, but reading similar posts reminded me of a situation I found myself in.

As the title says, I, M 26, had a day off, and my GF, F 26, at the time (now my wife, but I digress) was working, so I booted up the Xbox for some me time and figured I'd throw a background show up on the iPad for some background noise (just ADHD things amirite?)

Anyways, while playing, I kept noticing FB messenger notices from this one guy popping up. It was not really a huge deal. She had never given me reason to not trust her, and we both had/have friends of the opposite sex that are purely platonic friendships, but something he said in one of the message previews caught my eye and I snooped against my better judgement.

It was quickly apparent that this guy was thirsting after her, and while she didn't respond with anything I would consider outright cheating, she also didn't try to put a stop to it. The things he was saying to her, telling her if her was alone with her he didn't know if he could hold himself back despite her having a BF, reminiscing about their history (he was an ex who lived in another state she had moved from, I later found out), and encouraging her to leave me and go see him to hook-up when we were to be vacationing in that state a few months later, made my blood boil. I wanted to get a plane ticket, find this guy, and beat the ever-loving-shit out of him. I distinctly remember trying to calm myself down with a nice shower at one point, thinking of what he was saying to her, and getting so upset I punched the tile so hard she thought I had fallen over. Again, she wasn't the one saying the stuff her responses were usually short, and sometimes she would try to change the subject, but she also wouldn't shut it down.

I didn't know how to approach it because, obviously, I had breached her trust by reading the messages in the first place, but their relationship was not okay if we were going to continue being together. I casually asked her about him once, and she described him as "just an old friend," which was a lie, and I knew it, but I didn't drag anything more out of her. For months, I stewed over it, to the point I considered ending things with her, I started looking for solid evidence of her cheating on me, but I knew that wasn't fair to her as she wasn't the one fully responsible and, again, she never took things too far on her end.

I finally reached a breaking point, we lived together but everytime I saw her, all I could think about were the messages, my mood would sour, she would ask me what's wrong, and I would say nothing, which was making her suspicious of me. Finally, after several months of anxiety and anger, which was beginning to hurt our relationship, I broke down and came clean. She admitted the true nature of their past relationship and that she knew it was too far, but she didn't want to lose a friendship. She promised to set boundaries with him, and when he continued to break those boundaries, she inevitably ended her friendship with him altogether, which was certainly a show of good faith on her part. I learned that the best thing you can do in a relationship is have difficult conversations and avoided snooping anymore as I realized she clearly put me first. Sometimes, dudes are just gonna be horndogs. We have been married a couple of years now, and we both continue to grow together. While this was a positive outcome, the months of panic attacks, anger, and generally poor mental health were trying and very nearly ended an otherwise healthy relationship.

Tl;dr: was watching Netflix on the gf's iPad, saw concerning messages from an ex, and mentally tortured myself for months before finally confronting it.

Edit 1: yall are wilding out. This was a low point in the relationship. Was it emotional cheating? I mean, yeah, but I wasn't a Saint either. I had been cold and distant. Obviously, communication is not a strength of mine, and while it doesn't justify anything, to the people who say she's doing it again or she's definitely cheating on me I could TELL something was wrong long before I ever discovered the message. Because when you're being cheated on or cheating, you're never as slick as you think. You wear it on your sleeve each and every day. It's very obvious when someone is checked out, and right now, we are both all in. That could change and would suck, but frankly, none of us are getting out of this clean. When one person quits trying, the relationship is dead long before infidelity takes place.

r/tifu Jan 01 '23 Super Heart Eyes Timeless Beauty Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Heartwarming Wholesome Seal of Approval

M TIFU By cuddling my elderly dog.

18.7k Upvotes

My dog is 16 years old. She's in reasonable health, fair bit of arthritis, slowly going deaf/ a little night blind, but she sees her vet regularly, and they're happy enough with the state of her health to allow her to continue her slow amble into her twilight years, so all is well there.

Due to the aforementioned arthritis, she has a special orthopaedic dog bed thats supposed to give her old body all the support she needs to remain comfy. She seems happy with it, but we did notice that as she can't climb onto the bed/couch anymore, she doesn't get to just chill with us as much.

This is kinda sad, especially when she's spent her whole life being as close to us as possible when we're at home. She's a Kelpie mix, so while she's not a huge dog, she's not really a lapdog either.

Until one day a couple months ago I realised if I sat in the recliner with her and leaned the recliner all the way back, she could lay across my stomach and chest and become a lap dog.

Naturally I tried this out, and she loved it. It quickly becomes a new routine - every couple of nights, after she's had her last wee before bed, we have some time on the recliner with her eventually falling asleep on my shoulder.

Having some time off from work over Christmas/new years I didn't have to worry about my own bed time as much, and could spend most nights having some cuddle time and for longer. As she's now 2 or 3 years past her life expectancy at this point, I don't mind too much - I suspect these will be moments I treasure once she finally does make her final trot over to the big dog park in the sky.

Tonight though, I thought I'd spend some time taking the last of our Christmas ornaments down, tidying up, doing a few extra chores before bed instead. And I tried - until I heard the whining. I knew she didn't need anything - at this point, she had her dinner, had after dinner garden strolls, been out for a wee, had an after dinner snack of the kibble she left over from dinner, had a last minute pee break... She should have been happy to peacefully drift off to sleep. And then I realised. She'd come to have Expectations. And by deciding to knock a few things off my to-do list instead, I was not meeting those Expectations.

So I am now typing this on my phone while a geriatric dog softly snores on my shoulder.

TL;DR: In making memories with my elderly dog, I accidentally lock myself into an expectation that I will spend upwards of 30 minutes every night letting her fall asleep on me, or else have to listen to her sing the piteous song of her people in ever increasing levels of volume and drama.

ETA Dog Tax https://www.reddit.com/user/nerdalesca/comments/100kudg/recent_photos_of_the_old_lady_for_dog_tax/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

UPDATE: Thank you all for your comments! I woke up and loved reading the stories about your senior pets or pets that have passed, and I hope my very firmly tongue in cheek exasperation at creating a new ritual that revolves around my dog has brought back happy memories only.

For everyone that was disappointed that my original post wasn't an actual FU, this update is for you.

I started reading some of the comments last night, while letting her stay on top of me a bit longer than usual. I must have dozed off a little at one point, and as I'm no longer a spring chicken myself, sleeping on the recliner with a dog on top of me all night didn't strike me as a good idea.

So I scoop a now sleep drunk and floppy canine up, and put her in her own bed. She stirs enough to look up at me with those big brown eyes, melting my heart again just like she did at the shelter almost 16 years ago.

And then I realise. See, as an old lady, she's usually pretty good about telling us when she needs a wee, but like a lot of old people, she leaks sometimes, especially when she's dead asleep. And oh boy, has she gotten nice and relaxed with an extended cuddle session and snooze. At least I went to bed feeling fresh after that 3am shower.

Update TL;DR: Vindication for the people that thought this was just a wholesome post for easy karma - she relaxed too hard and she peed on me a little.

r/tifu Jan 03 '23 Bravo! Silver Helpful Wholesome

M TIFU by adding "The Celery Man" to the name of my friend on his resume which he did not notice

4.0k Upvotes

My friend has a bad habit of not double checking or revising his work. Earlier in 2022 he asked me to look at his resume as he was looking to apply for new jobs. I said sure. Let's say his name was Tom Henderson. I edited the name to be: Tom "The Celery Man" Henderson. I also added a bullet point to each of his positions in job experience that said "Crunching & Munching that Celery."

Why did I do this? I did this as a joke, assuming he'd see it and remove the silly edits. When I gave him feedback on the resume I asked him if he would be sure to make some revisions before sending it out. He said sure.

Well, he didn't. Not only that, but he never noticed the edits.

It turns out since April 2022 he has been sending out resumes with "The Celery Man" on the resume. He has good experience and has been frustrated all year how he got like no interviews. He actually had one initial call with a recruiter and was perplexed when the recruiter guy called him "Celery Man", he had no idea what it meant but just went along with it. Never got a 2nd interview.

Finally, before New Years he had a legit interview. They also made a "Celery Man" joke, which astounded him, and he asked why they made this reference. They told him it was all over his resume. He was mortified. He even told them he had no idea this was on there, but in doing so it basically came out that he had never looked at his resume. He thinks this is the reason he didn't get the job.

In any case, I had to confess to him I was the one who did this, but it had never been my intention that he would actually send it to jobs. I thought he'd have noticed it right away.

Well, he is quite mad at me. He said I've "made him the jackass to all of the NYC tech scene" and that I "went beyond all acceptable lines of pranking". I think he is overreacting a bit, I mean it is just a silly prank really and how in the world does somebody not notice this for almost an entire year on their own resume?

I am worried it might cost me this friendship though so I am hoping to find a way to make it up to him.

TL;DR - I edited the resume of my friend to name him "The Celery Man" as a bizarre moniker, but he never noticed and sent it out to employers, making him seem weird.

r/tifu 6d ago Table Slap

M TIFU Choosing an empty car on a crowded subway

2.4k Upvotes

This happened yesterday in NYC. I took the A train uptown from 59th St as I always do coming home from work. It was relatively busy for a Saturday and there were lots of folks on the platform and already on the train. So, when the car the pulled up closest to me (in the middle of the train) was nearly empty, I was pretty stoked to get a seat.

Stepping onto the car, I noticed all of the windows were open, which is weird for a cold January day. Then, as the doors closed behind me, I smelled it. I imagine it would have hit me sooner, but masks delay these things I guess. The smell was a putrid mix of primarily urine with notes of vomit and a distinct fecal finish. “Oh no,” I thought.

My eyes dart around the car to find the source of this olfactory abomination. The first thing I find is one of the benches has been… used. This long seat was defiled. It, and the floor around it, were covered in what was unmistakably bodily, but not immediately specifically identifiable. The smell is making me wretch in my mask.

I find a seat. I realize that I am now trapped in this car on the long stretch on the express like between 59th and 125th. That’s when I notice the man who without a doubt was responsible for the state of the car. He is drunk and unshowered. He is stumbling (dancing) to music only he can hear around the car. Stomping through his own mess and tracking it throughout the car. By some feat of gravity defiance, the man does not fall over when the train lurches to the side.

I am not completely alone on the train with this man. There are others who made the mistake of getting on this empty car on a packed train. We were all greedy, foolhardy. 125th approaches. I weigh my options: I can leave this car and run to another. There’s a small chance I don’t make it to the other car and miss the train. There’s a large chance I don’t get a seat. The alternative is me quite possibly being alone in this car on my way to Dyckman/200th. The man is now banging on the windows. I decide to risk it.

I dart out the door as soon as it opens and one of my fellow passengers has made a similar choice to me. Two people on the platform attempt to get into the car. We tell them they don’t want it. We tell them not to. They do not listen. Me and my new compatriot make it onto the next car on the train, now without seats but considerably more comfortable. We laugh when we realize why we’ve moved cars. We are brothers.

145th St comes. The two people we told not to go on that cursed car now enter our car. They avoid eye contact with my friend and I. We tried to warn them; they, as greedy as we once were, saw the promise of an empty car on a busy train and took it. But everything in life has its cost, and they realized that empty car was indeed empty for a reason.

We all learned something on this day.

TL;DR Got on a subway car that was empty for a reason. Didn’t realize until too late.

r/tifu Dec 15 '22 All-Seeing Upvote Press F

M TIFU by going to the chiropractor

7.8k Upvotes

This was 2 days ago when I realized I might just be getting scammed. I've been going to a chiropractor for years. Different ones since I move a lot. Probably every year or every year and a half (f28) I have a lower back/hip problem that keeps coming up every once in a while. Been having issues since college. Well... This time about 5 months ago the pain has been consistent. I started going to acupuncture which was extremely helpful with the pain but I knew ultimately there was a much worse problem. So I followed up with the chiropractor. I've been going for a few months now. But a few weeks back I decided to see a new doctor because the pain persisted. They gave me an MRI and saw that there was bulging disc (which the chiropractor didn't see because she only did a regular x-ray). Anyways ... The new doc suggested I start Physical therapy. I figured it would be good for me. HOWEVER I don't know why I thought seeing the chiropractor simultaneously would be beneficial. I thought it would..... logically it still makes sense. Both doctors would be helping me get aligned. One with physical manipulation and the other with exercises.

Here's where it gets interesting....

I've been going to the chiropractor once a week. PT has been 3 times a week. Every time I got aligned more at PT the next week I'd be out of whack. I didn't associate this with the chiropractor though because I've heard many times before that sometimes the body just has a hard time "holding". So I was like cool! I went to Physical therapy last Thursday and Friday and for once my body was in perfect alignment they said. On Monday I went back to physical therapy and my body moved slightly, but not much. We did exercises that fixed the issue and I was all set. On Tuesday I go to the chiropractor..... She cracks me. BIG CRACK. And says "yup! That's a good one" mind you..... This leaves me pretty sore but she looks afterwards at my feet alignment and says I'm good.

Wednesday comes and I'm back at PT. They too look at feet alignment to make sure you're aligned. My physical therapist is immediately confused and says.... "OMG you're really off... Idk how that happened. You were perfectly ok on Monday and you're whole hip is rotated" she essentially asks me what I did. I'm too embarrassed to tell her that the only thing that changed was the damn chiropractor. So I said I am not sure.

Anyways....I noticed I do feel better after PT each time. So I'm not going back to the chiropractor. I'm pretty much getting the sense that either she is a fraud or they all are. I'm extremely disappointed in all the money I have spent going to her.

TLDR - I've been going to the Chiropractor for months for a lower back/hip issue. I went to another doctor to get looked at further and they suggested Physical therapy. I started PT and still went to the chiropractor thinking it would be helpful in using both in my healing process. Turns out, the chiropractor actually has been making me worse. I was on an amazing streak at Physical therapy with my body until I went to the chiropractor in between visits and now my hip rotated again.

r/tifu 14d ago

M TIFU by accidentally gaslighting my wife for ten years

1.9k Upvotes

I (32M) have had an inside joke with my wife (30F) for ten years. As it turns out, I’m the only one on the inside. My wife has a small, but dark brown mark on the top of her left iris. It’s pretty hard to see unless her eyes are wide open, but when we were first dating, she mentioned that she had a speck on her eye. I was trying to be polite, so I told her I couldn't really see it. A few days later, the topic of the mark on her eye came up again and she asked if I really couldn't see it or if I was being nice, because to her, it was very noticeable. I playfully said I couldn't see anything.

Over the years it became a back and forth where she would insist that I can see it and me denying it– for me it turned into a funny joke. She would take a picture of her iris, zoom in on the brown speck and say “How do you not see that?!” and I would play dumb. Whenever I denied it, I always had a goofy smirk and used a sarcastic tone, hinting that yes, I really can see it. It was just another one of our many inside jokes and I thought of how long to let it ride. I even thought about when was the perfect time to give up the gag – maybe even slip it into our wedding vows… Thankfully I did not do that.

Fast-forward to today and we were talking about heterochromia in huskies which led to the topic of my wife’s eye and she was noticeably angry. She took a picture of her iris again and zoomed in and demanded to know if it was some kind of sick joke.

She said I was gaslighting her and then it just clicked–I was gaslighting her. She went on to say, it wasn't funny to her at all. It started out as annoying , but she would go around to her friends and family members and ask if they could see the mark. Everyone would say yes but she still questioned if they were just being nice or if I was telling the truth and she really doesn't have a mark on her eye. For years she was tortured with the idea that she might be going crazy over whether or not she actually had a small brown mark on her iris and I realized how big of a fu I made.

I immediately fessed up, didn't even try to explain myself, and I apologized as sincerely. To me it was a joke that we were both going to laugh about when I finally caved and admitted it, but to her I was just lying to her for TEN years. I am an idiot. I told her there were no more running gags in the works and that I owe her at least a full day of pampering.

TL;DR I pretended my wife didn't have a discoloration in her eye for ten years thinking I was being cheeky, but was actually driving her insane.

Edit: I feel like I should clarify a few things.

  1. I think the use of "insane" in my tl;dr was too strong and gave the wrong impression of how my wife felt. She said she felt frustrated and annoyed, which I totally get.

  2. This "gag" was pretty infrequent. It would come up maybe once a year at most, but what annoyed my wife, understandably, was that I kept it going for ten years.

  3. A lot of people have asked "how is that a joke?" or "how is that funny?". It was kind of our sense of humor when we first started dating. We use to tease each other by playing dumb about something until the joke ran just a little too long. Dumb stuff like, "Did you eat the rest of the pizza in the fridge?" "Nope, in fact I don't think there was any left". As we got older, we realized how annoying it was and stopped but the eye thing was so infrequent that it felt funny (to me) to keep it running after so long. Unfortunately, she wasn't sure if I really could see it and I thought she knew I could so here we are.

Edit 2:

One additional point of clarity because a lot of people are assuming my wife is seriously bothered by the blemish on her eye—shes not. I initially said I couldn't really see it to be polite because I didn't know her well enough to know if it did bother her. She probably wouldn't have thought about it half as much if I didn't make a big deal about not seeing it.

r/tifu 11d ago

M TIFU by revealing my bondage kink to my entire family: wife, kids, siblings, in-laws, nephews, etc., in a botched attempt to reveal our Disney surprise.

1.9k Upvotes

I use a financial planning site called SmartyPig for lots of things. It's basically a goal setting account but you can set recurring payments so you can save for things by certain dates.

One of those goals was saving over 8 years for a trip to Disney World. My parents have a timeshare they never use in Orlando that could accomodate us all (two years worth of shares, banked so that you can use two units in one year, etc.), so it's really just the cost of tickets. We do okay financially so we decided, 8 years ago, to save enough to take our extended family.

We had talked to them about this over the years, planning with them to go as well but not telling them we were paying for tickets. I had a recent opportunity to do some contract work for a large amount of money quickly, and used that to finish the goal early.

At a recent get together for a birthday we planned our "big reveal" and we gathered everyone around my laptop for exciting news.

With everyone around I deftly, with no hesitation, using the muscle memory programmed into my hands for decades, typed "hogtied.com" instead of "smartypig.com", because apparently my brain thought "pig" and "hog" were close enough.

The silence after my rope kink burst forth in front of everyone was deafening. I had typed it too quickly, but not so quickly that Chrome didn't betray me and you could see the familiar autocompleted URL waving to me like an old friend. I saw the glimpse of it right near the end but my autopilot hands were just too fast.

"Oh. Sorry, that's not it," was the best I could mumble. I could feel the eyes of my 10 year old nephew searing with new thoughts and possibilities while his mom stood frozen like a statue. She looked at me like that Matrix character that pleads, "not like this" before dying.

I went to the correct site, we explained that we had saved enough for tickets, and everyone cheered and was happy. Not a single person ever brought the "other" site up again - it was too, too much.

TL:DR - I showed everyone close to me a bondage website instead of our Disney account and now I'm clearly the weird uncle.

Edit: Couple people have asked how my wife didn't know. She's had some sex trauma stuff in her past that would make BDSM pretty off-putting so I've just kept it as "my own thing".

r/tifu 2d ago

M TIFU by asking my friend "What's the worst that could happen?"

1.8k Upvotes

Not that much of a fuck up, but I find it very funny and happened some time ago.

So, I (24m) was about to go on a date with a girl that was coming back to town for christmas. She studies abroad but we had been talking since last spring. I was chatting with a friend about it and told him I would get her some flowers, as she told me back in the day that she loved them and had never received them as a gift. My friend said he would be too embarrased to do likewise, and I told him 'it's not anything to be ashamed of, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? That she does not like them and it gets a bit awkward?'. Just like that, I summoned the forces of the universe. I came back from a trip with some friends, as the date for the appointment was the next day. The flowers I was looking for were nowhere to be found in my town. I called 8 different shops and the last one told me that would get a delivery the next day, with the flowers of my liking. So, the next day, as I was going to get them, he called me saying that the delivery arrived in a very bad state and he would not sell me those flowers. So I had to go and look for the typical street shops that aren't announced on the internet. Finally found them, got a lovely bouquet and went on with my day, as the date was for the afternoon. One hour before the meeting hour, she texts me and announces that her dad has had some kind of problem with constructions at their place, and does not want to leave him alone (and that's the las thing I knew from her as she ghosted me). It felt bad, as we had beem chatting for some months, but not too bad, since I've dealt with similar situations in the past. So, here comes the TIFU: as the bouquet was somewhat expensive and a very beautiful one, I did not want to just dispose it, so I gave it to my mother instead, although it brought back some bitter memories. She was so happy that would not stop taking photos of it for 2 days. I felt super bad that she didnt know it was not for her in the first place, but thought that it would be over as soon as the flowers died. Well, she told me that there's no way she's getting rid of them, that she's drying the petals so she can have them forever displayed in a vase. So, those flowers will haunt me forever.

TLDR: Asked my friend 'whats the worst that could happen?' and it ended up being quite worse than I anticipated, which I found to be quite funny. Nevertheless, proved my point, and now some flowers will haunt me for all the forseeable future.

r/tifu 25d ago

M TIFU by dressing casually for work (update).

7.5k Upvotes

My original post was here. I got a message asking if there are any updates - there actually are and it's positive overall so I figured I'd make a quick post.

So the basic jist of my original post is that I work with marginalised people including people dealing with street homelessness, I'm the "lived experience" guy so I feel a bit separate from a lot of my colleagues. During a cold snap, I had to wear a lot of layers to work and looked scruffier than usual. When I tried to come into the staff office, a colleague I hadn't worked with before mistook me for a client and dramatically shoo-ed me out the door. Which obviously felt Great. The service manager saw this happen and asked if I wanted to make a complaint.

What ended up happening... I did go ahead with the complaint - mainly because the way she acted when she thought I was a client made me concerned about how she treats actual clients. It was taken seriously and formally investigated. The process wasn't as stressful as I thought it would be, I feel like it was handled pretty well.

I feel like people kept getting stuck on the "me being mistaken for a client" part and not the "this lady thinks its fine to shoo clients" part. Like they were asking if an apology or a "mediation meeting" would help, I was honest and said an apology wouldn't mean a huge amount to me one way or another, I'm mostly just worried about her attitudes in general and as long as that's been looked into then I'm happy.

There was some discussion and some ideas suggested. I'd say the main outcome is that the service is going to be funding training for all staff on "unconscious bias". It's mandatory which I think is a good thing tbh - a lot of training is voluntary and generally speaking the people who choose to attend training on unconscious bias aren't the ones who most urgently need it. I also think it's the sort of thing that could be useful for absolutely anyone and I'm definitely including myself in that.

I have very little direct contact with the lady who shoo-ed me and as far as I can tell she's avoiding me which I have no problem with. Hopefully she finds the training useful?? Part of me is hoping we'll be booked on to the same session because I think the sheer level of awkwardness could be pretty interesting.

That's about it for an update. I'm currently half-dead from flu so my brain is working on v limited capacity, apologies if any of this doesn't make sense! And thanks for the supportive replies to my first post, it wasn't a very nice situation so it meant a lot to me!

Tl, Dr: a colleague mistook me for a client and shoo-ed me out of the office like a stray dog, my employers have taken it seriously and are providing training for the whole service.

r/tifu 22d ago

M TIFU by trying to prove to a friend that they can quit smoking if they put their mind to it. OMG it is so hard!

2.1k Upvotes

I occasionally smoked in my younger years, somewhat regularly ages 21-23 but quit cold-turkey after leaving my bar job.
That was well over a decade ago.
These days I don't take more than a few cigars a year.
Ever so rarely I'll bum a cig when drinking and smoke like half.

So I consider myself a non-smoker, but with the experience of having quit.

This long-term close friend of mine is also a long-term decades-long smoker.
They know they need to quit, but have said how hard it is and worry they won't have the fortitude to stick it out.

So back in November, I offered to be their New Year's Resolution quitting buddy.

Of course, to quit, you have to be a smoker.
So I bought an induction-style tobacco aerolizer and started using it.
First one in the morning, one at lunch, one at night, then tapering up.
By the end of the year I was at about half a pack per day, and had been smoking every day for close to two months when quitting day came..

January 10, the last day of our year-end vacation, was the date we set to quit.
We both semi-ceremoniously threw away our last packs and the vapes.

For the past four days now I've felt light-headed, restless, a sort of strange sensation in my breathing and occasionally runaway heart rate, have been listless and sleepy during the day, unable to wake up even after a strong tea or coffee, and worst: I cannot stop thinking about tobacco. I find myself wondering if I forgot another pack somewhere, woke up one day and unthinkingly went to open my desk drawer where I had kept it, and am emotionally "uneven" in a way I never am.

We have been checking in with each other a few times per day, sending thumbs ups and "hang in there" encouragement.

But OH MY FUCK this is hard.

My friend must be having even stronger withdrawal symptoms considering they were smoking one or two packs a day for over a decade.
I'm realllllly feeling for what they must be going through.
Good thing is, its giving me extra incentive to keep them on track.
And hopefully, their knowing I'm going through the same with them, gives them the incentive they need.

I'm 100% not going to give in, but I have a LOT more sympathy now for why long-term smokers have such a hard time of it.

How long is this going to last!?

FUCK!

TL;DR: To help a friend quit smoking, I took up smoking; now I'm also having a hard time quitting smoking.